Category Archives: Dire-logue’s Greatest Hits

Dire-logue’s Greatest Hits Volume 12: All you ever think about is sex

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Sex and slasher films… They in love! Must be, all they ever do is talk about it…

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BACK SLASH (2005): “I’m a double major: computer science and history… My virginity is not a choice.”

BLOODY MURDER (1999): “If it comes down to it I’m willing to be with you carnally.”

CHEERLEADER CAMP (1987): “I’ll drop dead if you’ve ever tried head.”

CLUB DREAD  (2004): “People please – is it too much to ask? Have sex with the guests!”

DETOUR  (2003): “Mm, tastes like micro-phallus.”

THE FEAR: RESURRECTION (1999): “Everything is about getting laid.”

HARD TO DIE (1990) “I just wanna get my clothes on and get the hell out of here.”

iMURDERS (2008): “It’s difficult to put the milk back in the carton when you’ve already had the cereal.”

MIDNIGHT MOVIE (2008): “They say scary movies are an aphrodisiac…” / “If you get turned on by this we’re breaking up!”

SAVAGE WEEKEND (1976): “Sweet talk won’t do it fellas, I’m into rough trade.”

THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE MASSACRE (2005): “Do you think she’s hot with her big tits and no panties?”

TORMENTED (2009): “Just because she’s head girl doesn’t mean she gives good head.”

WACKO (1982): “I can’t help it if I sound like a lawnmower every time I get excited.”

Dire-logue’s Greatest Hits Volume 11: Showdowns, killer wisdom, & piss-poor excuses to kill

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Who doesn’t love a good exposition? Well, Jason and Michael for two, but in a mystery-slasher, everybody always wants to know why. Why? Why? Why?

Well, the answer you want is not always the answer you get… And conversely, anybody present at the climactic showdown scene is capable of talking utter, utter crap. Beware thy spoilers…

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BLOOD HOOK (1985): “I will now proceed to blow the motherfucker away.”

BLOOD TRACKS (1985): “Look at their women – evil! They deserve to die.”

CLASS REUNION MASSACRE (1976): “You mustn’t make me chase you… I could die of a heart attack.”

GIRLS NITE OUT (1982): “My daughter was about your age. Then she met a guy like you. Now she’s dead.”

HEARTSTOPPER (2006): “Get back here, you Christ-infected bitch! When I’m inside you I’ll make you hell’s slut!”

ICE CREAM MAN (1994): “You little turds are gonna learn you can’t run from the ice cream man!”

THE LANDLADY (1997): “You can’t even be quiet when you’re dead!”

LEATHERFACE: TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE III (1990): “What the hell is wrong with you?” / “We’re hungry.” / “Never heard of pizza!?”

THE MAJORETTES (1987): “Sluts, teases… Flaunting their bodies. They had to be purified.”

MINDHUNTERS (2004) : “Eenie, meenie, miney, mo – who’s the next motherfucker to go?”

SEED OF CHUCKY (2004): “You killed my mommy and daddy – and now you’re pissing your pants!”

STEEL TRAP (2007): “Living well is pretty good, but I’d say killing people is the best revenge, really.”

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT (1980): “You’re blaming me for all the horrible things you’ve done because of something I said when I was six years old?”

Dire-logue’s Greatest Hits Volume 10: Stay calm, now…

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“We all go a little mad sometimes,” so said one Norman Bates many, many moons ago. He wasn’t necessarily just speaking for “those of us” (but not me) who flip and start killing people, far more common is that many of us (this time including me) just flip and yell a lot…

THE DRILLER KILLER (1979): “I’ll tell you what you know about… You know to BITCH, and how to eat, and how to BITCH, and how to shit, and how to BITCH!”

FINAL STAB (2001): “Why don’t you go find a phone, some help at a nearby farmhouse, or a fucking tampon! I don’t care.”

HARPOON: REYKJAVIK WHALE WATCHING MASSACRE (2009): “I might be disgusting to you, but this fag here is the only hope your Bible-belt ripped church ass has of getting out of this alive!”

HAVE A NICE WEEKEND (1975): “You do exactly what I tell you! Mother – make sandwiches for everyone.”

HOLLOW GATE (1988): “Just a few Halloween nuts – is that all you old bitches want? Happy Halloween you filthy old HAG!”

KOLOBOS (1999): “How about a nice, hot cup of shut the fuck up!?”

MR HALLOWEEN (2006): “Why does everybody in this GODDAMN town gotta tell me my GODDAMN job? Got no GODDAMN  respect!”

OFFICE KILLER (1996): “Kim: go home… go to unemployment… just leave!”

SCARECROW GONE WILD (2004): “If I hear the worlds “let’s split up” I will bitch-slap the both of you.”

TENEBRAE (1982): “Male heroes… with their hairy, macho bullshit.”

TOOLBOX MURDERS (1977): “Come here, you dirty fornicator!”

VOYEUR.COM (2000): “Hey, you’re killing my buzz, Euroboobs!”

Dire-logue’s Greatest Hits Volume 9: Sarcastic much?

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Lowest form of wit though it maybe, sarcasm is still clearly the funniest. See?

AMERICAN NIGHTMARE (2002): “That’s the spirit of Halloween – kids in the hospital.”

THE BUTCHER (2005): “Leave her – she’s dead now, she’ll be dead when we get back.”

THE CHOKE (2005): “Why do you have to be obsessed with death? Why can’t you be fascinated with kittens or something?”

DEAD GIRLS (1990): “Please stop embarrassing him and yourself and anyone else forced to watch this revolting spectacle.”

GOODNIGHT, GOD BLESS (1987): “When they put teeth in your mouth they ruined a perfectly good asshole.”

THE GREENSKEEPER (2002): “We pay these people minimum wage… You think they’d try and earn it!”

GUTTERBALLS (2008): “Those balls are shitty and used. Like your underwear.”

HOT FUZZ (2007): “You wanna be a big cop in a small town? Fuck off to the model village!”

HOUSE OF DEATH (1981): “If his brains were T.N.T. he couldn’t muster a good fart!”

JEEPERS CREEPERS II (2003): “You were waving pom-poms at people this morning and now all of a sudden you’re a psychic hotline!?”

LAST DANCE (1992): “Was that your mother I ran over in the parking lot? You should teach her not to chase cars.”

MOVIE HOUSE MASSACRE (1984): “Is it a requirement to have an IQ over 50 to work here?”

Dire-logue’s Greatest Hits Volume 8: Nudge, wink

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Oh, aren’t we sometimes just so clever with our little in-jokes and gags that you only get if you’re in on it?

Because so many horror films have been written to cater for people with double-digit IQs, many of these little pokes and winks at the audience are bloody obvious, and some of them are just crap. As always, regardé…

ALONE (2000): “So… you’ve got Freddy Krueger as an admirer?”

BRIDE OF CHUCKY (1998): “I knew you were obsessed, but Chucky? He’s so… eighties.”

CAMP DAZE (2005): “Backwoods, scary noises – haven’t you heard of Jason?”

CHILDREN OF THE CORN IV (1996): “I don’t want to be the one in charge when their heads are doing 360s and they’re hurling pea soup.”

DARK RIDE (2006): “Why [do their names] always have to be Jonah, or Jason, or Jedidiah? I mean why can’t it be Bob, or Gus or even Chris?”

EVIL BREED (2003): “If you leave you’ll disappear – just like every other B-movie character does!”

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI (1986): “I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that any weirdo wearing a mask is never friendly.”

THE HILLS RUN RED (2009): “The characters always head out to the middle of nowhere, right? Suddenly their cars, their cell phones, their technology can’t save them and nobody ever brings a fucking gun!”

ICED (1988): “It was one of those flicks where you only watch if someone’s naked or getting killed. Or both.”

THE NUN (2005): “so let me get this straight: Are you trying to tell me that all this is some sort of I Know What You Did 18 Summers Ago or something?”

OFFERINGS (1988): “How come people in these horror movies do such stupid things?”

SKELETON CREW (2009): “Somehow we’re inside a film – a horror film! That’s why things have gone like they have.”

TO BECOME ONE (2000): “We’re playing this out like some B-grade movie. Five kids locked away in some isolated shack. When the killer finds us he’s going to pick us off one by one.”

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What does this teach us? Sometimes, witty observations are funny. And that Kevin Williamson has a lot to answer for.

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