Tag Archives: Rule Brittania!

Celtic Chants, Glowing Scarecrows, Haddonfield…

the curse of halloween jack 2019THE CURSE OF HALLOWEEN JACK

2 Stars  2019/15/78m

“He returns… and this time, no one is safe.”

Director/Writer: Andrew Jones / Cast: Derek Nelson, Patrick O’Donnell, Peter Cosgrove, Tiffany Ceri, Jason Medani, David Link, Alastair Armstrong, Phillip Roy, Jessica Michelle Smith.

Body Count: 18+


I only discovered while writing this up that this is actually a sequel to the previous year’s Legend of Halloween Jack, which I guess addresses some of the question marks floating above some of the lore and dialogue you see in this one.

So it goes, two years after a murder spree in the small British town on Dunwich (neighbouring settlement: Haddonfield), a group of face-painted cult members succeed in resurrecting the murderous scarecrow from where his body was buried by randomly American local detective Earl Rockwell. They’re then all shot dead by some cops.

The town has banned Halloween on the back of the tragedy, so some kids, including the mayor’s daughter Danielle, throw their own rager, which is crashed by the smiling scarecrow, who then hunts Danielle to the police station, kills some people there, before being lured to a house by an eye-patched seer-of-doom. Something about Celtic mythology bloodlines, must be killed by member of his own bloodline with a sacred dagger blah blah blah.

curse of halloween jack 2019

The constraints of the budget clearly affect the end product, from some terrible reaction-to-horror acting, apparent death by having an iPhone pushed about two inches into the mouth, and a killer who looks like a plush Halloween toy, but it’s not so bad. The Fog-pretender score is pretty good and it has an endearing cheapness about it which should be encouraged rather than pulverised.

And Jason Medani is very easy on the eye.

Below Duck

wreck 2022

WRECK

3.5 Stars  2022/272m

Director: Chris Baugh / Writers: Ryan J. Brown & Ibrahim Salawu / Cast: Oscar Kennedy, Thaddea Graham, Harriet Webb, Louis Boyer, Peter Claffey, Anthony Rickman, Warren James Dunning, Miya Ocego, Alice Nokes, Amber Grappy, James Phoon, Ali Hardiman, Ramanique Ahluwalia, Donald Sage Mackay.

Body Count: 5

Laughter Lines: “The fraternisation clause – you penis flytraps have blown it.”


A few years back my parents reached the age where they traded in package holidays for cruises, and so I’ve been regaled by many-a-tale of room upgrades, rough seas, singers I assumed had died years ago, and what sounds like a median patron age of 69. Hearing this, I wondered how it would be if a psycho blew a fuse and decided to start hunting victims aboard. And here we are! Steer carefully around some spoilers!

A spectacular opening serves us the usual babe-in-peril scenario, with a young woman chased through a series of corridors by a maniac …dressed as a duck! Girls Nite Out eat your heart out. A rapid chase eventually shows our fleeing victim is aboard a huge floating hotel at sea. When cornered, rather than suffer being stabbed, she flips off the killer and throws herself overboard.

wreck 2022 duck killer

Some time later, her younger brother, Jamie Walsh (a thoughtfully named combo of Ms Curtis and Elm Street 2‘s Jesse) signs up as a sort of all-jobs lackie, taking the identity of lovelorn Cormac who, unknown to Jamie, has also decided to come along, to win back his girlfriend Rosie. While Jamie works shit jobs and befriends sarcastic Vivian, he looks for clues as to Pippa’s disappearance, knowing there’s more to it than the official explanation offered by the cruise line.

When his initial suspect also meets the business end of the duck’s knife and is thrown into a pool, Jamie confides in Vivian his true reason for being there and the two play detective, with some help from cabin-bound Cormac, and fellow crewmember Olly.

wreck 2022 thaddea graham oscar kennedy

After the slasher-heavy first episode (of six), Wreck sets a new course for a while, focusing in on the drug racket aboard the ship, with employees smuggling and dealing to colleagues and guests alike. Jamie suspects one of the officers but keeps getting stonewalled. Meanwhile, Vivian falls into an awkward relationship with first class rich girl, Lily.

Crew disappearances continue, explained away by the no-nonsense chief officer, Karen, who has no problem threatening jobs when the questions get too close to a possible cover up. Come the penultimate episode, the duck has all but been forgotten and Wreck becomes a kind of Hostel-at-sea, as it transpires first class guests have, as part of their package, the ability to pick and choose a low-rung crewmember to hunt in a number of scenarios in hidden parts of the ship – the officers and purser all oversee it, the low-hanging fruit in the crew are purely expendable.

wreck 2022 danny

Despite this swerve from slasher shenanigans, Wreck‘s most appealing elements lie in character and witty dialogue, both of which are top drawer, with a pair of LGBTQ leads, where their sexualities are largely incidental in the grand scheme of things, allowing for Vivian to quip “A lesbian with a powertool – how original!” during a climactic fight scene.

The body count remains low and things end with a find-out-in-the-second-series revelation that, honestly, I saw coming to an extent, but it also saddles the whole thing with a slight sense of incompletion… but I’d love to spend more time in the company of these characters so it’s not worth getting irked by.

Farmville gone wild

the redwood massacre 2014

THE REDWOOD MASSACRE

3 Stars  2014/18/83m

“Evil doesn’t die easily.”

Director/Writer: David Ryan Keith / Cast: Lisa Cameron, Lisa Livingstone, Mark Wood, Rebecca Wilkie, Adam Coutts, Lee Hutcheon.

Body Count: 21-ish

Laughter Lines: “Maybe we took a wrong turn or something?”


It feels like the last ten slasher films I saw all started with a girl stumbling through the woods at night accosted by a hulking killer. Admittedly I roll my eyes, wondering if we’re also heading for some girl-on-girl and asshole characters.

Twenty years ago – never 19, never 21 – a farmer heard a voice from his scarecrow telling him to chop up his family. He listened, then offed himself. We don’t learn his name, but I don’t think it was Marz. Legend has it that his son, one of the victims, still haunts the Scottish woodland around the area. Why? Dunno. How? Shrug. I’m not sure it was ever explained. Either way, each anniversary attracts hordes of teens to the remote area for ‘the party of the year’.

the redwood massacre 2014

This time, gal-pals Pamela and Jessica rock up for a camping weekend with the latter’s ex, Mark, and his high-maintenance girlfriend Kirsty. Their other friend Bruce is supposed to come too but fails to show up. Hmm… After a few other schmucks are sliced and diced by the scarecrow-masked wacko, Pamela and Kirsty awake to find their friends absent, their phones unable to find signal, and so set out to find them, which leads them to the abandoned Redwood Farm, scene of the murders.

the redwood massacre 2014

Campers are axed, hacked, sickled, and have the old hand-pulls-out-insides gag happen to them. The Redwood Massacre revels in its sticky bloodletting a wee bit too much, allowing other considerations to slide somewhat. One character appears with a whole backstory, but is never allotted a name, claiming to be out for a revenge for the death of his daughter, then when the killer arrives tells him he’s not afraid to die and so…just does.

the redwood massacre 2014

Cliched dialogue and characters who pretty much hang around waiting to die (check out the flashback moment where the girl just lies in place despite having several seconds in which she could flee) are at least buoyed by a good score, sharp and impressive photography, and an almost Wolf Creeky sense of being lost beyond help once we’re down to the last respiring individual, all of which gives the film a fair leg-up from its shortfalls. It’s also Scottish, which means it’s full of sexy accents.

A sequel featuring Danielle Harris (!) followed in 2020.

Bear Essentials

pandamonium 2020

PANDAMONIUM

2.5 Stars  2020/18/86m

“This panda means business.”

Director: MJ Dixon / Cast: David Hon Ma Chu, Oriana Crystal Charles, Will Jones, Dani Thompson, James Hamser-Morton, Lee Mark Jones, Charlie Bond, Will Marshall, Chloe Badham, Derek Nelson, Tatiana Ibba, Charlie Clarke, Nad Abdoolakhan.

Body Count: 12

Laughter Lines: “This guy is a professional killer, not a Dairylea Triangle.”


On Arielle’s first day as their office junior, the sleazy solicitors of Killmore & Percival decide to throw themselves an after hours party and invite strippers to entertain them. Yes, it’s Psycho Cop Returns anew!

If this weren’t bad enough, the hootenanny is crashed by a suited, panda-masked killer with a thing for big knives and one-liners, and he begins to eliminate the security guard, employees who stayed too late, and finally the drug-addled Sixth Floor assholes and the strippers, while Arielle – an ex-stripper herself – and fellow newbie Daniel try to find a means of escape.

Panda-killer is played by a friend of mine, multidimensional performance artist David Hon Ma Chu, whose dulcet Mancunian tones give the loon an almost cuddly edge, if you could get close enough without receiving a knife in the gut.

pandamonium 2020

The micro-budget means that a lot of the film is done on the cheap, but it has a decent production polish and some amusing moments, my favourite being two of the strippers discussing cleaning products before they’re interrupted by a client and spring into alluring mode.

Skate n’ stalk n’ slash

schizo 1976

SCHIZO

3 Stars  1976/18/104m

“When the left had doesn’t know what the right hand is doing.”

Director: Pete Walker / Writers: David McGillvray & Murray Smith / Cast: Lynne Frederick, John Leyton, Stephanie Beacham, John Fraser, Jack Watson, Queenie Watts, Trisha Mortimer.

Body Count: 5


British sleaze-merchant Pete Walker directed this pre-Halloween stalker, which borrows more than just its titular connotations from Psycho.

The late Lynne Frederick (last wife of Peter Sellers) is professional skater Samantha, whose marriage gains enough column inches to attract the attention of silent-psycho Watson, who takes a big knife and catches the first train into London ,where he commences a campaign of creepy phone calls and day-to-day stalkage, sending the woman into despair.

But… is he the black gloved maniac who starts killing her nearest and dearest? Long term collaborator McGillivray parted ways with Walker after this film, feeling that the attempts to railroad the viewer down an alley of assumption made the fiend’s actual identity too obvious. However, compared to the avalanche of mystery-slashers that would arrive in the 1980s, Schizo is quite competent in keeping the face of the killer quite uncertain until it chooses to reveal them.

Frederick appears to struggle with some of the material, especially in the presence of the ever-fabulous Stephanie Beacham, consigned to the loyal best friend role again, who turns detective on Samantha’s behalf. There are some good murders peppered throughout: A knitting needle through the head and out of the eye, and a man skewered by machinery he falls on to. Alas, a good minute or more was scissored by the BBFC and wasn’t restored on the cut I saw.

Subtler than Walker’s previous films, Schizo serves as an interesting example of the slow gathering of elements that would be cemented by Carpenter and Cunningham shortly after, even if it’s a slightly crass Hitchcock imitation in isolation, and a reminder of how vile British wallpaper patterns were in the 1970s.

Blurb-of-interest: Jack Watson was also in Tower of Evil.

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