Tag Archives: Rule Brittania!

Dire-logue’s Greatest Hits Volume 9: Sarcastic much?

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Lowest form of wit though it maybe, sarcasm is still clearly the funniest. See?

AMERICAN NIGHTMARE (2002): “That’s the spirit of Halloween – kids in the hospital.”

THE BUTCHER (2005): “Leave her – she’s dead now, she’ll be dead when we get back.”

THE CHOKE (2005): “Why do you have to be obsessed with death? Why can’t you be fascinated with kittens or something?”

DEAD GIRLS (1990): “Please stop embarrassing him and yourself and anyone else forced to watch this revolting spectacle.”

GOODNIGHT, GOD BLESS (1987): “When they put teeth in your mouth they ruined a perfectly good asshole.”

THE GREENSKEEPER (2002): “We pay these people minimum wage… You think they’d try and earn it!”

GUTTERBALLS (2008): “Those balls are shitty and used. Like your underwear.”

HOT FUZZ (2007): “You wanna be a big cop in a small town? Fuck off to the model village!”

HOUSE OF DEATH (1981): “If his brains were T.N.T. he couldn’t muster a good fart!”

JEEPERS CREEPERS II (2003): “You were waving pom-poms at people this morning and now all of a sudden you’re a psychic hotline!?”

LAST DANCE (1992): “Was that your mother I ran over in the parking lot? You should teach her not to chase cars.”

MOVIE HOUSE MASSACRE (1984): “Is it a requirement to have an IQ over 50 to work here?”

Walk this way

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THE HIKE

3 Stars  2011/18/83m

“It’s all about survival.”

Director/Writer: Rupert Bryan / Writer: Ben Loyd-Holmes / Cast: Zara Phythian, Ben Loyd-Holmes, Barbara Nedeljakova, Lisa-Marie Long, Daniel Caren, Jemma Bolt, Stephanie Siadatan, Dominic Lemoignan, Shauna MacDonald, Tamar Hassan.

Body Count: 17

I went to school with cast member Lisa-Marie Long. We had Mrs Perry’s art class together. What’s strange is that she looks almost exactly the same as she did nearly 20 years ago. Freakdom. This made watching her tortured and murdered very bizarre and disturbing.

Anyway, enough of my star connections, The Hike is the offspring of Wilderness, Wolf Creek and most clearly, inspired by The Descent. The bad news is that it’s not as good as any of those.

Army-girl Kate reunites with four gal-pals for a three day sojourn into the woods, somewhere in Britain. They walk, they gossip, they flirt with a trio of rock-climbing guys who (literally) fall in their path. We, however, know something bad is going to happen, because the pre-credits sequence showed us a girl running frantically through the forest, shrieking for help. Those she is with scramble at her command but are quickly subdued by an off-camera something… or somebody.

What makes this type of movie difficult to review as a whole is the ‘big twist’ that’s revealed about half way through. I didn’t see it coming, which is a plus point. It cranks into a different gear and turns into a gritty survivalist flick rather than a straight-down-the-line slasher movie, although the antagonists here are seemingly just as keen on slicing up pretty young women as any Jason or other forest primeval.

So quit reading now if you don’t want to know.

Last chance…

OK, so after one of the girls fails to return from firewood-gathering duties, the others split up to look for her and bump into the men again. They all worry for a bit and then split into groups, some back to the boys camp, some back to the girls, and it’s revealed quite out of the blue that it is the trio of men who are the loonies. They capture, rape and kill women.

The girlier-girls are taken first and it’s up to war-traumatised Kate to save the day, which she does with veritable gusto, chopping, bludgeoning and high-kicking the bad guys until she’s predictably the last woman standing. Of course, to keep the wheels a-turnin’, the last aggressor cannot be felled and he just keeps bouncing back to chase her down.

Fortunately, there’s another interesting twist added on at the end that stretches credibility somewhat, but is good nonetheless and we get the cameo from The Descent‘s Shauna MacDonald.

The UK does grit n’ dirt ordeals very well and The Hike doesn’t hold back on its shadier elements, although it must be pointed out that, for a refreshing change, none of the main female characters get naked. In fact, other than a fleeting glimpse of one of the prelude victims, the only nudity we see is male! Kudos to turning the objectification tables.

This effectively extinguishes some of the accusations of misogyny levelled at the film that I’ve read in a few places. The film is essentially about horrible deeds committed against nubile young women but it’s light on the bloodletting and the audience is certainly on the side of the victims. Once revealed, the male characters are drawn as semi-impotent idiots. We WANT Kate to reap a gruesome revenge on them.

Some of that long awaited reverse sexual objectification in play

Working against the film is a sense of improvised acting. It gets better as it goes but some lines are delivered almost painfully in the first third and, sadly, the leading lady is probably stuck with some of the worst dialogue on offer. Naturalistic it may want to be, but some of the actors over-enunciate to the point of it looking like a drama class camping trip and I’d have thought people would swear a fuck of a lot more if they were in a vicious fight to survive. Or not. Maybe good manners take over?

As a low-bud production, it at least looks great. The photography is top-notch and the camera work makes the most of the remote location, peaking in the scene when Kate runs through the trees brandishing an emergency flare.

I was actually pleasantly surprised by The Hike. The trailer didn’t fill me with anticipatory salivation and for the first half an hour I was wincing every couple of minutes but it crawled from its larva and spread some pretty decent wings. If I ever see Lisa again I’ll be sure to mention her foray into exploitation horror – what actress doesn’t want THAT brought up years after the fact?

Blurbs-of-interest: Tamer Hassan was in Wrong Turn 3; Barbara Nedeljakova was in Hostel: Part II and Children of the Corn: Genesis.

Suicide hurts. But there are worse things.

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DEMONS NEVER DIE

2 Stars  2011/15/90m

“Evil has a new face but whose face is it?”

Director/Writer: Arjun Rose / Cast: Robert Sheehan, Jennie Jacques, Ashley Walters, Jason Maza, Jacob Anderson, Jack Doolan, Shanika Warren-Markland, Femi Oyeniran, Patrick Baladi, Andrew Ellis, Emma Rigby, Reggie Yates, Tulisa Contostavlos.

Body Count: 14

Dire-logue: “Lesbos? That’s not gay – that’s entertainment.”

A few years back, Britain chucked out a little slasher flick called Tormented about nasty school kids being offed by the undead ghost of the boy they all bullied to suicide. I didn’t expect another slasher film from these shores for another few decades but here we are with Demons Never Die, a film that barely registered as being out, let alone was played anywhere for more than a few days…

Now, before we begin, this film was exec produced by Idris Elba (from The Wire, Luther and the wretched Prom Night remake) and also socialite Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. What? I know, right. I saw her on the monorail at Gatwick once. She didn’t look happy. Anyhoo, both of them had the sense not to be in it, although I imagine a cameo by Elba might’ve helped at the box office.

At least with Elba’s name attached, surely there’s going to be something going for it? Well, yes and no. Demons Never Die is without doubt one of the strangest films, let alone slasher films, that I’ve seen in a long, long time. At times I questioned whether my own memory was failing me as things just seemed to happen on screen from nowhere and for no apparent reason.

It begins with a teary Tulisa Constastovalovatolos – she of irredeemably dire ‘urban’ trio N-Dubz and, more recently, the X-Factor judging panel – scribbling the word ‘Murder’ on a refill pad. She makes a call, cries some more, her dad comforts her, goes away, comes back, and finds her dead.

Turns out she was part of a secret club of assorted teens from a London community college who all want to commit suicide for reasons not abundantly clear. They just do. Local cops Reggie Yates (the Radio 1 DJ who always gets chart positions wrong) and ex-So Solid Crewee, Asher D, chalk it up as a suicide and somehow know to start following her friends around.

Crazy cockney Kenny wants to go out with a bang (literally) as a whole group and has a journo-student/lackie following him around with a camera; Archie thinks he loves Jasmine, who questions her own sanity, except when she’s attacked by a knife-toting masked loon. Then there’s stoner Cain, overweight loner James, and two others who don’t seem to have any problems whatsoever.

Another member – and Hollyoaks cast member – of the club is stabbed to death and, somehow, this is also thought to be self-murder. Archie and Jasmine have sex. The other four lesser characters do some drugs and decide life IS worth living after all and everyone drops out of the suicide pact, much to Kenny’s annoyance, who so decides to shoot them all at an upcoming party.

If I was beginning to frown before, at this juncture my entire head was creased in such a mask of disbelief as I scratched my head and pondered if first-timer Rose was also high while writing this. The actions and motivations of everybody in the whole film makes no sense: The group was so candid about their wishes to die and then seemingly object when someone shows up to help them out. Then, in the blink of an eye, they decide to live after all. The cops (all two of them) don’t seem to detect any homicidal elements in the growing pattern of stabbings, even when one of the teachers and his missus are offed in their home.

Fortunately, things pick up a little at the party. Of course, this happens at a big house in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by woodland (in London!?). The loon shows, stabs some people, and cuts the power, sending most of the partygoers home. This whole setup seems to lead to a future Ridiculous Scene O’ the Month:

  • Party hostess leaves group of friends to get a drink.
  • Party hostess finds dead body in kitchen.
  • Party hostess runs away screaming STRAIGHT PAST the group of teenagers and outside to the trees.
  • Party hostess hides behind a tree and watches her friends leave without summoning help.
  • Party hostess eventually decides to call out and is knifed before she can utter a word.

It comes down to Archie and Jasmine. The lights are out but they find some nightvision cameras! Wow! What were the odds? The film turns into The Blair Witch Project for the next five minutes until it seems the killer has struck again and Jasmine hobbles outside for help… Reveal time.

I wouldn’t be lying if I said I hadn’t guessed the killer’s identity. But neither will you. It’s just so… random. But in some strange way I was pleased it turned out to be who it did. Their motive was clear as mud, something to do with “wherever there’s pain there are demons,” and a hint that they were filming the killings to sell on to other sickos.

Demons Never Die is a cliche-fest by its slasher metric, pilfering much from the Scream movies: The knifings are seldom gory and the weapon of choice always makes that ‘shing’ sound whenever it’s moved, regardless of what it’s in contact with. The ‘urban’ flavourings are also riddled with stereotypical dialogue and it renders the characters hollow and unsympathetic. The fact that they WANT to die also vaccuums out all available tension: Why root for them to survive if they don’t want to?

Even worse, the most repugnant of the characters isn’t even afforded an on-camera death! The most squandered opportunity since Wendy’s axe-to-the-head was elided in Prom Night (that’s the superior original, Idris).

The topic of suicide is sloppily handled with no real duty-of-care. At least Heathers had the sense to parody the trend; here it’s nothing more than a plot device to tie together a Breakfast Club-esque cross section of college kids. None of these people would socialise in reality, yet we’re expected to believe they all belong to a serious mini-movement that condones ‘trendy’ suicide? It plays a bit irresponsibly in this regard.

That said, I wasn’t bored watching Demons Never Die, I was mainly confused but nevertheless entertained in the way you are watching an episode of Glee: it’s shite but they might do a genial cover version any second now.

It’s important to note that the film was shot in just 18 days on less than £100,000, so to look as polished as it does is quite the impressive feat. The acting isn’t bad either, though some of the players look a tad confused as to what their role is. Brit-grit just doesn’t translate to the genre very well; Tormented had the sense to poke fun at the ridiculousness of its setup and Wilderness pretty much replicated the American model of stranding the cast of an island beyond help.

I would recommend the film only to fellow genre dorks and perhaps fans of some of the players (or those who wish to see them impaled in some way) but it writes itself out of the equation in almost every other conceivable way.

Blurbs-of-interest: Jacob Anderson later turned up in not-too-disimilar “urban slasha” film Comedown; Patrick Baladi was later in The Windmill Massacre.

Stick to what you know. Or die.

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Some people just want a bigger slice of the pie. Unsatisfied with their singing careers, many artistes appear in a few music videos and suddenly think they’re the next Streep or Caine. So we get Beyoncé in Austin Powers, Justin Timberlake trying to be an action hero in the crappy In Time and Alanis Morissette playing GOD in Dogma!

So it was no surprise to anyone that, during the 90s horror resurgence, a few of these Prima Donnas thought they could kick it with the big boys and headline a slasher flick. Some did alright, agreeably dying in accordance with the audience’s wishes, while others thought their acting talents earned them the lead role. Poor deluded things…

Let’s take a look at who ruined what:

llcooljh20-2

LL Cool J as Ronnie the security guard in Halloween H20

Who hell he? Rapper James Todd Smith started his career way back in 1985 and has since released 11 studio albums, featured as a guest rapper on a gazillion tracks and, surprisingly, carved out quite the respectable screen career, presently starring in NCIS: Los Angeles.

In the midst of horror: LL donned the usually doomed role of security guard at a California prep school where Jamie Lee Curtis was the headmistress. Unusually, he brought a charm to the role few other names on this list could dream of (not least Busta Rhymes who almost single-handedly destroyed the next film in the series).

He later pulled the rug of credibility out from under himself in a naff role in Deep Blue Sea the following year (for which he also contributed a dire theme song) and returned to slasherdom in Mindhunters in 2004.

Eventual Fate: Survives despite being shot.

tatyana-clown2

Tatyana Ali as Monica in The Clown at Midnight

Who hell she? Former Fresh Prince of Bel-Air cast member and short-lived career singer Ali scored a big hit by duetting with series brethren Will Smith before seemingly being sucked into the career ether.

In the midst of horror: Ali cropped up as the sassy best-friend-of-heroine in this Canadian Scream knock-off, where a group of high school theater club kids are tormented by a psychotic but not remotely scary clown.

Eventual Fate: Skewered with a spear that she almost spins 360s around. But doesn’t.

brandy-isk2Brandy as Karla in I Still  Know What You Did Last Summer

Who hell she? Brandy Norwood – who I had confused with Aaliyah for several years – had already headlined her own kids show, Moesha, for a couple of years and scored some gentile RnB chart hits, including this one featuring LL Cool J – hmmm. The only ones I know were Sittin’ Up in my Room from Waiting to Exhale and The Boy is Mine with genre clone Monica.

In the midst of horror: Brandy signed on to play the sassy best-friend-of-heroine in the cliché ridden killer fisherman sequel to the surprise 1997 hit. For the role, Brandy had to lip-sync (something I don’t doubt she was used to) her screams, so’s not to damage that precious voice… To be fair, she does ok with some godawful dialogue and has a cool chase scene.

Eventual Fate: Staggers from the wreckage at the last second after we all hoped believed she was dead.

kylie-cut2aKylie Minogue as Hilary Jacobs in Cut

Who hell she? Pint-sized pop princess and international gay icon Kylie made her screen debut in cult Australian soap Neighbours before becoming one of the most successful artists on the planet, notching up 45 Top 20 hits in the UK between 1988 and 2011.

In the midst of horror: For her Drew Barrymore-esque cameo in Aussie comic-horror Cut, she appeared for all of five minutes as the tyrannical director of a low-budget horror film, Hot Blooded.

Eventual Fate: First to go, probably to the joy of many she gets her tongue cut out.

snoop-bones2Snoop Dogg as Jimmy Bones in Bones

Who hell he? Pot-smoking LA rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg (later dropping the middle name) has been on the rap scene since the early 90s. Look, I know fuck all about rap. It bores me. He appeared on that Katy Perry track and was in some episodes of Weeds. And played Huggy Bear in the crappy Starsky & Hutch reboot.

In the midst of horror: Dogg rolled up as a killer from beyond the grave in this ghetto Elm Street wannabe, in which a murdered 70s big cheese rises from the dead to take revenge on those who killed him after they turned his beloved burg into a grotty ghetto of sleaze.

Eventual Fate: As the supernatural killer, he’s already dead and possesses daughter Bianca Lawson at the end.

kris-dtox2Kris Kristofferson as Dr Mitchell in D-Tox

Who hell he? Texas folk strummer Kristofferson has never had a single UK chart hit but the weird alliteration of his name alone ensures most people have at the very least heard of him. Folk isn’t my thing either so I can’t tell you shit about his career.

In the midst of horror: KK phoned in a one-dimensional performance as the head shrink at a clinic for burned out cops, where Sylvester Stallone thinks there’s a police-hating serial killer on the prowl. In truth, I can’t remember a whole lot about the film now, only that the identity of the loon was evident from the outset and that a cast containing Charles S. Dutton, Courtney B. Vance, Sean Patrick Flanery and Robert Patrick could be so wasted in a film that virtually bypassed big screens everywhere for a dead future on DVD…

Eventual Fate: Dies, but I can’t remember how.

busta-hr2Busta Rhymes as Freddie Harris in Halloween: Resurrection

Who hell he? I know even less about Busta Rhymes than I do about Snoop Dogg. He sang on that really rubbish Half on a Baby with Mariah Carey and did a ‘song’ that sampled the Psycho theme (blaspheme!).

In the midst of horror: Rhymes, evidently spurned on by – or jealous of – LL Cool J and Snoop Dogg’s horror movie outings, somehow bagged the lead role in what is possibly the most hated film in the Halloween canon (though I actually don’t mind it at all) as a small time entertainment entrepreneur who organises a live webcast from the home of Michael Myers on Halloween night, unaware that the psycho has lived in a tunnel beneath the property for several years and objects to any visitors.

From his ridiculous Kung Fu showdown with Michael to his attempt at playing things cooler than a frozen cucumber, Rhymes is possibly the victim of a crap script. This is, after all, a film that tries to sell to us the idea that Michael Myers was not the guy beheaded at the end of H20. It’s more plausible and likely that he just can’t act.

Eventual Fate: Stabbed about three times but survives. Fuck it.

kelly-fvj2Kelly Rowland as Kia in Freddy vs Jason

Who hell she? One of the ‘other’ members of Destiny’s Child who merely existed under the shadow of the great Beyoncé, future X-Factor mentor and singer of a few half-decent solo hits. I can’t even picture the third girl. Hang on, weren’t there four at the start?

In the midst of horror: Rowland turned up as the sassy best-friend-of-heroine (any one else noticing a theme?) in the long-awaited horror series mash-up. Kia says “girl” a lot and gives mouth-to-mouth to Jason Voorhees, for which he thanks her by slamming her against a tree. However, Rowland reportedly ad-libbed “faggot” as an insult against Freddy, which dropped her credibility through the floor in my book.

Eventual Fate: Machete sling into a nearby tree.

paris-wax2Paris Hilton as Paige in House of Wax

Who hell she? Before House of Wax, I was one of approximately six people on the planet who didn’t really know who Paris Hilton was. Everyone seemed to hate her. Apparently, the hotel chain heiress-slash-socialite is one of those famous-for-being-famous dollies who had a few ‘reality’ TV shows and squawked out a heavily auto-tuned album in 2006, which spawned the worldwide hit Stars Are Blind. She sings like she’s stoned.

In the midst of horror: The American marketing for this remake played heavily on Hilton’s character’s fate: See Paris Hilton Die! squawked the trailers. So divisive her star-status that it would have started a riot had she been cast as the final girl. Strangely, this was not Hilton’s first foray into slasher cinema, having already been offed in rubbish British ghost-horror Nine Lives. In Wax, she does okay with the role of best-friend-of-heroine (though for once, white!).

Eventual Fate: After an admittedly impressive chase scene, Paige gets a rusty old pole right through the head.

bonjovi-wolf2Jon Bon Jovi as Rich Walker in Cry_Wolf

Who hell he? “Ohhhh we’re halfway there…!” Leading man of supremo 80s hair metal rockers Bon Jovi, JBJ has enjoyed enormous global success with the band, turning out hits pretty much solidly for a quarter of a century. Everyone loves at least one Bon Jovi song.

In the midst of horror: Would you learn anything if Bon Jovi was YOUR teacher? No? Neither do any of the cast members in this cheat of a film, set at a snobby prep school where the students start a rumour about a campus cruising killer that backfires of them, then doesn’t, then does…

JBJ is the media lecturer and more intertwined with events than it at first seems. He says teacherly things, wears glasses and boring clothes and generally makes no impression whatsoever. But the film’s crap so who cares?

Eventual Fate: Shot dead because he’s the killer. No, wait! He isn’t! Is he? Fuck it, I have no clue what’s going on. Dies.

tulisa-dnd2Tulisa Contostavlos as Amber in Demons Never Die

Who hell she? One third of unspeakably dreadful UK ‘urban’ group N-Dubz, who, despite being a vacuum of talent, scored several substantial chart hits, including a number one single. Tulisa then went on to mentor on The X Factor, her girl group Little Mix eventually winning the show. Entirely thanks to her, of course.

In the midst of horror: Plays ‘the Drew Barrymore role’ in UK ‘urban’ slasher flick Demons Never Die, which I’ve not yet seen because it flopped so hard at the box office it barely played anywhere, drunkenly staggering its way to DVD in February 2011. Equally repugnant Radio 1 DJ Reggie Yates also features.

Eventual Fate: She dies, but I don’t yet know how.

* * *

What does this teach us? If you’re a black female artist, you have no choice than to play the final girl’s best friend.

Who would you like to see bite it on the big screen? I imagine Justin Beiber would top a few lists. Simon Cowell would be forced to listen to Westlife until his brains bleed out his ears. Eminem could scream like a girl. Victoria Beckham could be force-dieted to death…

The list is endless.

Yule be sorry

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THE TOYBOX

2 Stars  2006/15/81m

“It all began so innocently.”

Director / Writer: Paolo Sedazzari / Cast: Claudine Spiteri, Elliott Jordan, Craig Henderson, Suzanne Bertish, Christopher Terry, Heather Chasen, Peter Ellis.

Body Count: 6

Dire-logue: “I want someone to notice my breasts.”

Disclaimer: This is the best I can do for for a festive-themed slasher film this year. And there’s no way I’m sitting through Christmas Evil again.

Ignore the DVD cover, nothing that awesome happens in this regional British trip into the surreal.

As children, siblings Berenice and Brian Usher shared a wild imagination and cherished their alone time in their country cottage so they could act out their adventures and, when things went awry, she would lock him in their toybox (that’s it for title relevance).

Several years later, Berenice brings her boyfriend Conrad home with her from university for an Usher Family Christmas. After meeting her Russ Abbott-fan father, her sex-starved mother and dotty dead-husband-obsessed grandmother, Conrad wishes he had never agreed to come with her. Then there’s Brian, grown up but just as odd as he always was.

What ensues is, for the most part, nonsensical garbage concerning stories of a mythical killer who prowled the Norfolk and Suffolk border, sacred amulets, ghosts, witchcraft and a zombie master disguised as the local vicar. In short, it’s crap.

Again: don’t be fooled, it merely looks good in still form

After nearly an hour of this tedium, in which the family constantly bicker and we take detours into flashbacks of the kids’ childhood imaginary eccentricities, Brian, feeling rejected by Berenice, eventually goes apeshit and starts killing everybody, although it must be stated that nearly all the murders occur off-screen, making it a rather dry kill spree.

Energetic direction and photography attempts to paper over the evident crevices in the plotting and the initially dreadful acting, which somehow becomes less noticeable as the weirdness of the Usher clan unfolds to stunned bystander Conrad, the only likeable character. Suzanne Bertish is, however, fun as the graceless mother, Madeline.

There’s one semi-creepy bit that’ll be lost on anybody not British or under 30, which is Brian’s singy-songy answerphone message, the theme to Russ Abbott’s old clipshow (“Songs of joy and tears of laughter…” etc), sung VERY slowly.

There are so many unanswered questions by the time the credits mercifully roll: Who was the man with the dog? Why was there a clown sat on the toilet? Why did they think the Vicar was a zombie?

Rubbish, but interestingly made rubbish and certainly like no other slasher film you’ll have seen, or indeed will ever see.

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