Here we go again on our oooown… Going down the only road we’ve ever knoooown… To movie hell.

Last time we took a look at some of the crappiest sequels. This time, well it wouldn’t be a sequel to a thing about sequels if it wasn’t just more of the same old same old. Enjoyomento!

Children of the Corn: Genesis (2011)

After the horrible, horrible, horrible 2009 TV version of the original Stephen King yarn, I was glad to hear that Dimension were planning to re-ignite their largely “debuting on DVD” franchise. Until I watched it.

Genesis could be, in an ideal world, just the necessary evil to reboot things. A young city couple find themselves stranded in the Californian desert and end up bunking with a freaky couple who lock their kid in an outhouse.

The cover has Dimension Extreme on it. The only extremity is how freakin’ BORING this film is. Almost nothing happens for the whole run time; there’s a drawn out dream sequence and re-used footage from Bad Boys II of all things. Far and away the worst COTC movie.

Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (1987)

Freddy Krueger has a lot to answer for. Not least of all this ambitious but frankly lame in-name-only video sequel to the death n’ disco Jamie Lee Curtis Halloween knock-off in 1980.

Still set at Hamilton High (which looks entirely different), bitchy unfaithful prom queen Mary Lou Maloney is burnt to death after being crowned at her 1957 formal. Thirty years later, her spirit is released by the heroine who is subsequently possessed and a few people die: bitchy rivals, suicidal punk chicks, horny jocks and the men responsible for Mary Lou’s death. Most memorable bit is when a girl hides in a locker that literally squishes her.

Prom Night III is, however, vastly more entertaining.

Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)

Freddy is also to blame for this bizarre headfuck of a sequel, in which a girl rock band vacation at a condo where they are haunted and hunted by the ghost of a 50s rock star-cum-driller killer.

Sod all happens for the scant 77 minute running time and when it does, it’s fractured by stupid attempts at comedy and even a couple of musical numbers. This couldn’t look more 80s if it tried: the hair, the clothes, the (non-50s) music… Even the photography has that grainy Saturday afternoon chop show feel to it.

A good cast with a few familiar genre faces is wasted.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)

I’ve never been much of a fan of the Chainsaw series – I’m even pretty indifferent the original. So watching the first attempt at ‘rebooting’ the series (by original writer Kim Henkel) in the 90s after the pretty dismal original two sequels, I naively hoped the presence of both Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey might be some sign of a quality boost.

It’s not. Instead, Leatherface spends his screen time in drag whilst McConaughey’s performance borders on camp and the whole thing is riddles with continuity issues. Word is the 2012 3D movie is yet another attempt to reignite the series.

Perhaps take the hint people…

AND THE SHITTY SEQUEL I LOVE:

The Hills Have Eyes Part II (1983)

Wes Craven claims he ‘needed the money’ when he agreed to make a sequel to his 1977 balls-to-the-wall siege flick. Evidently uninspired, he pretty much churned out a third-generation Xerox of Friday the 13th, with a literal bus full of teenagers stranded at an old ranch where they fall victim to the last surviving cannibals from the first movie.

This is a movie so rubbish that it’s padded by a flashback that a DOG has! The blind and psychic heroine delivers hilarious lines a-plenty and Kevin Blair (later to be a Friday final boy) hams it as the male lead.

Not that any of it matters, it’s not remotely boring and is much more fun than both the 2006 remake and its sequel (which Craven also had a hand in) and ranks as one of my real guilty pleasures.