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Captain Jack Shallow

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DEADTIME

1 Stars  2012/18/97m

“Heads will rock & roll.”

Director: Tony Jopia / Writer: Stephen Bishop / Cast: Laurence Saunders, Carl Coleman, Elisabeth Shahlavi, Alex Hanly, Adam Fray, Leslie Grantham, Terry Christian, Julian Boote, Joe Egan, Stephen Spencer, Matt Gibbons, Louis Murrall, Elle Wood, Emily Welch.

Body Count: 11

Love Meets Murder, once hailed as “Birmingham’s hottest band” but now struggling after a flop album, are given one final chance to succeed by being packed off to a skanky old warehouse and locked in to make a video.

There, they and their entourage are stalked by killed by a sack-headed loon for some Satanic reasons I was too bored to remember minutes after the unmasked killer ‘fesses up. Despite not previously visiting the place, the killer also manages to erect a secret satanic tableau upstairs…

While Britain may be famous for gritty drama, we haven’t produced that many great slasher films and Deadtime is no exception. Like the fictional band, it’s riddled with almost every cliche in the book: Rock bands and psychos. When will there be a boy band done in by a maniac? Or a classical orchestra?

People wander off for sex in the middle of a rampage, nobody can hear high-pitched shrieking coming from a few feet away, they over-react when nothing happens and under-react when somebody dies in front of them. They also elect NOT to call the police after the first murder as it will “shut down the last chance for the band”… About the only surprise on the cards is that the black couple are cast as the heroes. What few other interesting characters there are are sidelined and summarily murdered.

The skinny killer, once revealed earlier than usual, minces around in a sort of half-assed but strangely entertaining Johnny Depp Pirates of the Caribbean impersonation, and is hardly a musclebound psychopath you’d run from in his leather trousers and receding hairline: This band already looks twenty years past their hey-day.

Horrendous cheap CGI only compounds the manure that this movie seems determined to bury itself in. A machete up the arse, decapitation by frisbee’d cymbal, pool cue through the head, exploding noggin… none of it looks as good as it may sound.

deadtime2

Things might have been better had the film something to say about the music industry, but it’s just so by the by; a slasher movie strictly going through the motions. Rock band slasher flicks aren’t a rarity, Groupie, Blood Tracks, Terror on Tour, Rocktober Blood, Dead Girls, Slash… There’s nothing here that’s not in any of those, save for a few Brummie accents.

Watch out for the corpse that closes its eyes before being touched by the fingers of the person laying them to rest. And Leslie Grantham and Terry Christian’s phoned-in cameos (literally in one case). And the bassist from Judas Priest.

Death in service benefits

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SEVERANCE

3.5 Stars  2006/15/92m

“Heads will roll.”

Director/Writer: Christopher Smith / Writer: James Moran / Cast: Danny Dyer, Laura Harris, Tom McInnerny, Toby Stephens, Claudie Blakley, Andy Nyman, Babou Ceesay, David Gilliam, Juli Drajko, Kaite Johns.

Body Count: 15

Dire-logue: “There are about five seriously sick fuckers on their way to kill us. So you can either help us… or fuck off.”

If you’ve ever worked for a large corporation, you’ll know just how brain-meltingly laborious it can be with a multitude of targets, objectives, appraisals, measurements, and general profit-bef0re-people manifesto. It can suck.

Occasionally you get a freebie, good dental or days out of the office for “team building” exercises (this has happened thrice in the twelve years I’ve been enslaved to my faceless employer). These normally sound good in theory, but are often capped with an array of caveats. You can have this fun, but you’ll have to return the favour by doing X-amount of work afterwards.

In Severance, seven employees of Pallisade, a weapons contractor, are touring Eastern Europe for promotional purposes. Nobody really wants to be there besides useless manager Richard, and the every-perky Gordon, whose unrelenting enthusiasm would probably prompt Ghandi to wrap his fingers around his neck.

Somewhere in the woodlands of Hungary/Serbia/Romania (nobody is sure where), the group are abandoned by their jittery coach driver on route to the “luxury lodge” a senior manager has provided for them. Instead, they find themselves hauled up at a rundown chalet and soon hunted by a large squad of insane militants, who harbour a deadly grudge against Pallisade.

A game of paintball turns grisly and the group are soon set upon by the maniacs, with one icky demise following another, until only office slacker Steve (professional geezer Dyer) and American spank-bank feature Maggie fight back with a frenzied gusto. Smith dreams up some interesting scenarios and it’s really good to see characters NOT develop super powers when fighting back, which lends nicely to Steve’s fight with one of the loons, that culminates in a memorable – and painful – knife up the ass.

Elements of any number of slasher/survival films creep into the mix and there’s the definite presence of Office-style observational humour, reflected largely in the acid wit and obvious dislike several characters have for one another. Everybody detests Richard (“I can’t spell success…without u, and u, and u, and u…”), high-flier Harris continually attempts to exert his authority, shy Billy ponders his feelings towards Maggie, and bored Jill tries to keep her eyes open and her mouth shut.

Severance certainly LOOKS good, with some nostalgic POV camera work from behind overhanging branches harking back to Jason in the woods. The dialogue and comic relief is on point, but occasionally thwarts the horror, which seems lacking in substance once the slaughter begins. That said, the whole mundaneness of corporate employment is captured in the dull attitude most of the group have towards everything: they’re jaded, unlike the busloads of campers who rolled into Camp Crystal Lake summer after summer…

Dyer’s layabout is effective though its his standard schtick, but he at least makes for an interesting central character, and the fate of some of the more marginalised characters was certainly a refreshing change, not to mention the sight of a half-naked stripper machine-gunning her way through a pack of insurgents. It’s even a little bit sad in parts, most notably when Billy uses his last gasp to stop Maggie from giving herself away.

A definite improvement on Smith’s earlier film, Creep, and also a damn sight better than the subsequent Triangle, hopefully a future bodycount opus he’s involved with will be more in line with this.

Angels with bloody faces

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FALLEN ANGELS

2.5 Stars  2002/18/97m

Director: Ian David Diaz / Writers: Julian Boote, Michael Derbas & Diaz / Cast: Esme Elliot, Dallas Campbell, Cassandra Bell, Melissa Simonetti, Elly Fairman, Emma Willis, Michael Ironside, Jeff Fahey, Kai Wiesinger, Max Brown, Emily Booth, Tony Abbey, Mara Derwent, Shawn Graham.

Body Count: 11

Dire-logue: “Cutting the power, cutting the phone lines – he’s planned ahead!”

Nell Fisher was the nominal outcast at the Holy Angels Girls School in upstate New York. Ever since she accused her history teacher of making inappropriate advances towards her, her social life flatlined. Nobody believed her, not even after he returned to attack her, resulting in a fire that killed thirty girls and closed the school forever.

Five years later, Nell and three of her former tormentors are called back to participate in a documentary about the tragedy. Before long, it’s clear that a cloaked and hooded figure wearing night-vision goggles is hell bent on putting a stop to the production by knifing the crew members and the graduates.

This handsome looking film works up a good enough momentum in the first instance, with regular killing to punctuate the less interesting goings-on inside the school, including ghost hunting with a paranormal investigating nerd and some backbiting between the once-popular girls and their victim of harassment.

However, it soon gets its wheels stuck in the muddy rut of chases down long corridors after most of the male characters have been done away with, leaving half a dozen shrieking women to panic and make bad horror movie decisions. Eventually the killer is unmasked and everything collapses in cliché central, with the prerequisite open ending for a sequel nobody would be interested in.

The cast is made up mostly of British actors but also a grizzled, underused bad-movie-fixture Michael Ironside, who appears as the local sheriff, while Jeff Fahey plays the sleazy professor in recurrent flashbacks scenes, but Melissa Simonetti makes the best impression as the catty, says-what-she-wants producer/agent, livening up tedious sequences of breathless dialogue between the bland startlets.

Definitely a notch above most straight-to-DVD fare, Fallen Angels is worthy a once over, if for nothing else than just to pick up on the references to other horror films, with familiar character names, nods to Ghostbusters and even a throwaway line stolen right out of Alien!

With a little more logic and bloodletting, this could’ve been a great little sleeper.

Blurbs-of-interest: Jeff Fahey was in Psycho III; Michael Ironside was also in American Nightmare (1981), Children of the Corn: Revelation, Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II, Reeker, and Visiting Hours.

Morning gory

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KILL KEITH

2 Stars  2011/15/90m

“Saw meets Richard & Judy.”

Director: Andy Thompson / Writers: Thompson, Tim Major & Pete Benson / Cast: Marc Pickering, Susannah Fielding, David Easter, Keith Chegwin, Joe Pasquale, Tony Blackburn, Russell Grant, Simon Phillips, Joe Tracini, Stephen Chance.

Body Count: 5

Dire-logue: “I shall be introducing a new man into the Crack of Dawn – it’s a big hole to fill.”

Put simply, if you’re not British, you won’t understand a damn thing that’s going on in this comic slasher film that starts off as a funny send-up of the TV:AM scene but soon descends into weirdness before it becomes simply annoying. And has nothing to do with Kill Bill.

Breakfast TV show Crack of Dawn – presented by pretty Dawn (Fielding) and her slimy co-host Cliff (Easter) – is kissing goodbye to the male half of the presenting team and the shortlist of ‘celebrity’ replacements (due to be announced on Halloween) is being hunted down and killed by a psycho called the Breakfast Cereal Killer by the press.

Studio runner Danny aspires to be a presenter but is thwarted every time by Cliff, his own stupidity, or the presence of the mystery loon who begins by doing away with the producer before targeting the prospective replacements: ancient radio DJ Tony Blackburn, squeaky-voiced comedian Joe Pasquale, camp astrologer Russell Grant, and titular on-the-road co-host Keith ‘Cheggers’ Chegwin. All want the job, all are under threat. …Or are they?

Despite having the presence of the real Blackburn on set, he is curiously referenced to as a lookalike for a much younger actor in a dizzyingly extraneous tangent, which is never fully explained (this is one of the annoying factors). Elsewhere, post-Shaun of the Dead style comedy is at the core of things, though much of it sadly misfires.

A few lip-curling jokes at the expense of the morning television industry (and its IQ-challenged audience) provide some laughs; the multiple choice questions that nobody can get right (“What would you find on a bookshelf?”) and an ongoing series of pokes at the name of the show/hostess. But the superfluous avenues, dream and fantasy sequences only serve to highlight how little is actually going on.

Chegwin himself happily pokes fun at himself but he’s underused and the conclusion is a real flatliner that leaves several questions unanswered. A few more bodies needed to drop and some more explanations added could’ve made a real difference. Or if Richard and Judy actually HAD met Saw.

Blurb-of-interest: Pickering was in Sleepy Hollow.

English Countrycide

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THE-SHADOW-OF-DEATH-VHSTHE SHADOW OF DEATH

3 Stars  2012/81m

Director/Writer: Gav Chuckie Steel / Cast: Corinna Jane, Sophia Disgrace, Jane West, Dan Carter Hope, Dan Bone, Charlie Bore, John Brown, Martin Penrose.

Body Count: 10

Dire-logue: “I don’t wanna panic you girls, but I think something really dodgy is going on in these woods – maybe even devil worshipping doggers!”

The English countryside: green rolling hills, trees older than Lionel Blair, robed-psychotics swinging blades at hapless hikers, buggered bikers (not literally), and annihilated nature lovers.

The words “shot”, “on”, and “video” together in a sentence usually result in my soul crying. In fact, not so long ago I decided to give up on any camcorder bloodfests as there weren’t any good ones. Ever. Such might’ve been the case of The Shadow of Death, Gav Steel’s micro-budgeted ode to all things slashy but transplanted from the usual back roads of America to the delightful woods of England. Farnham, to be precise.

First and foremost, it needs to be pointed out and then triple-underscored that this film is edited properly. I mean, like, properly. There’s none of the slapdash I-used-Windows-Movie-Maker quality to the cut. Were this shot on film, it would look big-screen worthy. Composition of photography is also energetic and interesting.

It’s also been decked out with decent sound and a thought-out score, which, again circumvents the usual production pitfalls that so many of these productions fall into and die miserably into.

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To the story then… Over-pierced stoner Nancy wants some weed and contacts her ex, Dan, to hook her up. As he’s also out, he calls a dealer, who has tottered off to Devil’s Jump in the local woods with a bong. Nancy convinces her roommates, peacekeeper Debra and computer-nerd and plausible lesbian Jamie, to go along with them.

Meanwhile, a Rolodex of randoms who have also ventured into the woods are meeting grisly ends at the hands of the mystery loon, who has no qualms about slicing eyeballs, chopping off limbs, or knocking binoculars through eyes.

The quartet of hash-hunters soon lose their way and settle inside an old shack until the rain passes, telling scary stories until they start to venture out for various reasons and robe-man finds them. Elsewhere, a partially-sane, wannabe policeman, calling himself Supercop Craven of the Special Police, is investigating an abandoned car and happens upon the severed head of an early victim.

cop

What’s evident from watching the film is that the people who made it genuinely cared about not creating another lazy slasher title. The budget may hamper efforts to go all out and the midriff in the shack begins to drag but the effects work is especially well done, with some neat ideas for offing the pick n’ mix of victims.

One guy suffers death-by-bong while a wouldbe good Samaritan finds cycling a particular difficulty after one arm is hacked off, and there’s a cool machete in the face. None of this sounds particularly amazing on the page, but none of it looks crap either. It’s bloody – but not stupid.

The film is infused with references to horror films a-plenty; Dan wears an Evil Dead t-shirt and names of pubs and locales have a brain-teasing familiarity to them – and is it a coincidence the girls are called Nancy and Jamie?

cabin

No film is without its flaws and The Shadow of Death is certainly no exception. In a similar way to The Sleeper (which, coincidentally also featured retro “VHS” artwork), which I reviewed the other week, there’s a flatness to some of the characterisations, which prevents any real bonding between viewer and threatened girl/boy/supercop. While Debra is evidently going to be the one to watch from early on, the styling of the film and its orbit of Planet Parody kept me at arms length with rooting for her survival the way that Amy Steel or Jamie Lee Curtis evoked.

It’s a minor complaint in a first effort and not one that should put anybody off, least of all the people who produced it from graduating to the next project, which, if as carefully constructed as this was, can only be better. Therefore, while you’ll never see me dolling out 3.5 stars to any old shot on video crap, I get the feeling people could be looking back on this in a decade or so as the beginnings of something…

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