The old adage goes, “Never just a book by its cover”. We already know that any cheap-ass slasher movie can be glossed over with some expensive looking artwork for the DVD. Or someone who is better with Photoshop than most.

However, most of these good-box-shame-about-the-movie ploys can be quickly spotted when the title card zaps on to screen. Or can they…?

A good example of this film’s “quirky” cheapness. Did anybody get this far and seriously think: “Wow, this is going to be some high-quality, tension-fueled horror film!”? [Review]

Elsewhere:

I couldn’t consciously tell these two apart when I added the screencaps here. Titular similarities aside, both were evidently disappointing to the point where their combined memory has blurred into one repressed blob of also-ran slasher shite. [Dark Fields review]

All are equally naff looking, suiting the ensuing ocular-molesting 90 or so minutes down to the ground. These films may have minimal camp appeal here and there but none of them are ever going to be hailed as unsung classics. The Blood Sisters one even ‘quivers’ as the camera pans over the leaves. Scary.

However, proving that we should never groan too early in a film…

The UK DVD release of Bloody Murder 2 was retitled for unknown reasons (considering it bears no obvious connection to the first one, which, itself was renamed Scream Bloody Murder). While everything about this film is cheap and unoriginal, BM2 is surprisingly pretty decent: It’s bloody and nostalgic for us fans of the summer camp slasher sub-sub-sub-genre.

Another vile font adorns the cheery no-budget throwback, Bikini Girls on Ice, which may perhaps over-promise to audiences who think they’re going to be served topless chicks getting cut to pieces for 90 minutes, but is still a lot of fun for the less discriminating body count fan. Like the above example, it packs a Friday the 13th-tinted stroll down memory lane.

Blood-spatter elevates this crud-looking title card a little from dull old white-on-black. While not as good as its predecessor, Sleepaway 3 should not be written off before it gets going just because of this minor faux pas.

And neither should Happy Hell Night, the title card of which seems to support my unproven theory that the film was simply titled Hell Night until somebody realised there was already a collegiate prank-based slasher film of that title. In the UK, the rental VHS was issued as just Hell Night, confusing me way back in the 90s when I picked it up and wondered when Linda Blair was going to show up…

A bona fide minor classic with a crappy title card making it look cheap and nasty. Again, it’s possible multiple re-titlings foiled a perfectly presentable opening. While the font is nice and straightforward enough, the placement and scene make it look dull. [Review]

Now, this looks ultra-crap. And the film probably is crap to every other set of eyes, but I kinda dug what was going on in it.

Same here: Boring. Boring. Boring. Film – starring Leah Pipes from Sorority Row – is pretty decent fare.

The UL fontage is nice and ‘serious’, then cartoon lettering for the suffix. One might think Bloody Mary is going to be some backgrounder from Count Duckula.

And finally, proving the big franchises sometime screw up too:

Christ on a bike. This and Busta Rhymes. [Review]

What does all of this teach us? Nothing. Sorry.