Scared of boredom?

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PHOBIA

2 Stars   1980/15/87m

“What happens when your psychiatrist goes out of his mind?”

Director: John Huston / Writers: Ronald Shusett, Gary Sherman, Lew Lehman, Jimmy Sangster & Peter Bellwood / Cast: Paul Michael Glaser, Susan Hogan, John Colicos, Patricia Collins, David Bolt, Robert O’Ree, Alexandra Stewart, David Eisner, Lisa Langlois, Marian Waldman, Kenneth Welsh.

Body Count: 6

Thaasophobia is the fear of boredom.

Atychiphobia is the fear of failure.

Thaasophobia + Atychiphobia = 1980 horror movie Phobia.

If you can buy the concept that John Huston – JOHN HUSTON!!! – directed this miserably disappointing Canadian flick that barely got released, then you can buy freakin’ Starsky as a shrink who experiments on a group of ex-cons with varying phobias – two of whom would make up members of the Crawford Top Ten in Happy Birthday to Me the following year.

When the agoraphobic member of the programme is blown up in the doc’s apartment, suspicion falls on her fellow patients that one of them was intending to kill him instead.

Predictably, the other members of the group start dying in increasingly suspect ways, of course relating to their respective fears: One is drowned, another squashed by an elevator, and a third bitten by a snake.

Solving the mystery isn’t hard (‘specially thanks to the tagline), with the most ‘likely’ perps out of the way, there aren’t many other avenues to explore and the climax fizzles out with a boring revelation and a motive, which will leave the audience needing more therapy than any of the patients ever did.

Attempts to make the characters slightly more dimensional than contemporary horror films of the time are never followed through, resulting in a bunch of people we don’t really understand, much less care about. Phobia is one of those above-its-station efforts that thinks its not a slasher film and so contains less blood than your average pebble.

Quite deservedly, it tanked at the movies – even in the big horror year of 1980 – teaching Huston to steer clear for a while.

For a better example of the hoards of “ironic” death-by-phobia films, try Boogeyman 2. That one, at least, knew what it was and had a bit of grue.

Blurbs-of-interest: Langlois and Eisner were two of the teens who DON’T die in Happy Birthday to Me; Marian Waldman was Mrs Mac in the original Black Christmas.

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Pant-Soiling Scenes #21: SOLE SURVIVOR

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This was a logistically difficult Pant-Soiling Scene. I only have a clunky old VHS copy of spooky 1982 proto-Final Destination film Sole Survivor so could not use software to grab stills. Instead, I had to hover before the screen with my camera and do my best to capture the creepy.

If you’ve not seen this low-key, slow-burn, rare little gem, it’s definitely one to source. Anita Skinner is the – duh – sole survivor of a plane crash and in the weeks after her recovery, she encounters various people who just sort of… stare at her from afar.

First is this little girl on a landing dock. Actually, the actress in reported to be none other than Susan Jennifer Sullivan: Melissa from Friday the 13th Part VII.

As the film goes on and more of these silent, unmoving (actually dead!) folk appear in parks, on the road, even on her front porch. Always… fixedly STARING.

In recent years, Asian horror has really done this to death but Sole Survivor is genuinely unsettling. From the kooky has-been actress who keeps receiving messages from the other side to the dim photography and zombie-like movements of the stary-squad.

Second choice of eerieness goes to man-atop-escalator when Anita finds herself alone in a car park.

This has the kind of horizon-of-dread tone that the powers behind Final Destination would kill for (in a wild and gruesome way, no doubt); it’s a stark, cold and lonely affair that deserves a hell of a lot more credit than it gets.

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Walk this way

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THE HIKE

3 Stars  2011/18/83m

“It’s all about survival.”

Director/Writer: Rupert Bryan / Writer: Ben Loyd-Holmes / Cast: Zara Phythian, Ben Loyd-Holmes, Barbara Nedeljakova, Lisa-Marie Long, Daniel Caren, Jemma Bolt, Stephanie Siadatan, Dominic Lemoignan, Shauna MacDonald, Tamar Hassan.

Body Count: 17

I went to school with cast member Lisa-Marie Long. We had Mrs Perry’s art class together. What’s strange is that she looks almost exactly the same as she did nearly 20 years ago. Freakdom. This made watching her tortured and murdered very bizarre and disturbing.

Anyway, enough of my star connections, The Hike is the offspring of Wilderness, Wolf Creek and most clearly, inspired by The Descent. The bad news is that it’s not as good as any of those.

Army-girl Kate reunites with four gal-pals for a three day sojourn into the woods, somewhere in Britain. They walk, they gossip, they flirt with a trio of rock-climbing guys who (literally) fall in their path. We, however, know something bad is going to happen, because the pre-credits sequence showed us a girl running frantically through the forest, shrieking for help. Those she is with scramble at her command but are quickly subdued by an off-camera something… or somebody.

What makes this type of movie difficult to review as a whole is the ‘big twist’ that’s revealed about half way through. I didn’t see it coming, which is a plus point. It cranks into a different gear and turns into a gritty survivalist flick rather than a straight-down-the-line slasher movie, although the antagonists here are seemingly just as keen on slicing up pretty young women as any Jason or other forest primeval.

So quit reading now if you don’t want to know.

Last chance…

OK, so after one of the girls fails to return from firewood-gathering duties, the others split up to look for her and bump into the men again. They all worry for a bit and then split into groups, some back to the boys camp, some back to the girls, and it’s revealed quite out of the blue that it is the trio of men who are the loonies. They capture, rape and kill women.

The girlier-girls are taken first and it’s up to war-traumatised Kate to save the day, which she does with veritable gusto, chopping, bludgeoning and high-kicking the bad guys until she’s predictably the last woman standing. Of course, to keep the wheels a-turnin’, the last aggressor cannot be felled and he just keeps bouncing back to chase her down.

Fortunately, there’s another interesting twist added on at the end that stretches credibility somewhat, but is good nonetheless and we get the cameo from The Descent‘s Shauna MacDonald.

The UK does grit n’ dirt ordeals very well and The Hike doesn’t hold back on its shadier elements, although it must be pointed out that, for a refreshing change, none of the main female characters get naked. In fact, other than a fleeting glimpse of one of the prelude victims, the only nudity we see is male! Kudos to turning the objectification tables.

This effectively extinguishes some of the accusations of misogyny levelled at the film that I’ve read in a few places. The film is essentially about horrible deeds committed against nubile young women but it’s light on the bloodletting and the audience is certainly on the side of the victims. Once revealed, the male characters are drawn as semi-impotent idiots. We WANT Kate to reap a gruesome revenge on them.

Some of that long awaited reverse sexual objectification in play

Working against the film is a sense of improvised acting. It gets better as it goes but some lines are delivered almost painfully in the first third and, sadly, the leading lady is probably stuck with some of the worst dialogue on offer. Naturalistic it may want to be, but some of the actors over-enunciate to the point of it looking like a drama class camping trip and I’d have thought people would swear a fuck of a lot more if they were in a vicious fight to survive. Or not. Maybe good manners take over?

As a low-bud production, it at least looks great. The photography is top-notch and the camera work makes the most of the remote location, peaking in the scene when Kate runs through the trees brandishing an emergency flare.

I was actually pleasantly surprised by The Hike. The trailer didn’t fill me with anticipatory salivation and for the first half an hour I was wincing every couple of minutes but it crawled from its larva and spread some pretty decent wings. If I ever see Lisa again I’ll be sure to mention her foray into exploitation horror – what actress doesn’t want THAT brought up years after the fact?

Blurbs-of-interest: Tamer Hassan was in Wrong Turn 3; Barbara Nedeljakova was in Hostel: Part II and Children of the Corn: Genesis.

The Horror Calendar of Doooooom

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It’s February 29th. It comes but once every four years. And nobody’s written a horror movie about it. It could be about a killer who returns every fourth year to kill teenagers. For some reason.

But if that was so, would it be safe on any day of the year? Ever? No. Any road trip or camping vacation can end in gruesome death by sharp things. Other days are, thankfully, easily avoidable.

See?

(I must say I’m proud of that turkey)

January is usually death-free by proxy, unless you go skiing, like in Cold Prey, Iced, or Shredder. It’s a Certain-Death free month.

But February… Ugh.

There’s the HELL of Valentine’s Day, heavy contributing factor to any number of senseless massacres. There are the spurned suitors whose romantic gestures should be taken seriously indeed: There’s Jeremy Melton in Valentine, who waited years to wreak his stabby revenge on the quartet of girls who refused to dance with him. Oooh.

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Then little Harold from X-Ray (a.k.a. Be My Valentine… Or Else) whose card to Susan was laughed at, prompting him to hang her brother and then go on a killing spree at a hospital twenty-odd years later when she happens to check in.

It’s advisable not to party too hard either, as it could easily be crashed by a pick-axe toting miner whose homicidal predilection is kick-started by candy boxes, paper hearts and happy youngsters. This happens in My Bloody Valentine. And My Bloody Valentine 3D as well.

March is another chancey month but no sooner is it over than you reach April 1st – a day of pranks and jokes, some of which can upset people to the point of murderous vengeance…

Do not arrange upscale, multi-level, humiliation-based pranks on smart nerds. They WILL formulate an intricate revenge plot and kill you all in gruesome ways. Hey, it happened in Slaughter High.

Even getting away from it all for your Spring Break could end badly. Rich friends with island homes might not be as safe as you once thought. Muffy St. John made that untakebackable error in April Fool’s Day.

Or you might vacation in the wrong place. If you’re not stalked by a psychotic motorcyclist at the beach in Welcome to Spring Break or a loony friend in Do You Wanna Know a Secret?, or a reanimated voodoo scarecrow, you’ll get devoured by crummy looking 3D Piranha‘s in Nevada or be run off the road driving home a là Jeepers Creepers.

A lot of American high school hold their senior proms around May, which means that there’s a heightened chance of somebody from the past coming back to take revenge for some years-old incident that probably left a good few people dead. It’s happened twice in history: Prom Night and, uh, Prom Night. A supernatural variant of this may involve the ghost of a dead prom queen returning to kill people. This happened in Prom Night‘s II and III. Skipping your prom for a private party is also inadvisable, see Prom Night IV: Deliver Us From Evil.

Come June, seniors will celebrate Graduation Day; their step from adolescence into adulthood. Take care, this joyous day could be thwarted by another killer with a grudge to settle. Finishing college can also be murder, evidenced by the girls who live at The House on Sorority Row and its redux, Sorority Row.

June is also dangerous if the 13th day happens to fall on a Friday. This being the birth date of a scary super-killer means that a Friday the 13th in June – or indeed any of the summer months – is a good time to stay at home while your friends go camping. Don’t go to camp if there’s a Friday the 13th either.

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Independence Day falls on the 4th of July. Remain patriotic or Uncle Sam might get you. Additionally, any accidents you have should be duly reported and the accountable parties before you ruin your year and receive a threatening note the following annum that says I Know What You Did Last Summer, because that’ll ruin the next few July 4th’s as well.

It’s back to school or college in September, which means pledge week, Rush Week, or whatever it’s called regionally. There’ll be all manner of initiations and hazings. For hell week, particularly Hell Night, avoid creepy old houses. Shopping malls too, as seen in The Initiation, can be dangerous places when there’s a loon on the loose. Sororities seem to be more dangerous than frat houses; Pledge Night and Happy Hell Night are small exceptions to this rule. Blood Sisters made the error of hazing in an old whorehouse and the girls of Sorority House Massacre didn’t even get the chance to take on any new pledges.

October might well begin with the as-yet un-blood-drenched homecoming (that is, until, Jake Helgren’s Bloody Homecoming is unleashed sometime this year) but soon brings forth all manner of ghoulish wrongdoings in the run up to Halloween, as shown in all the sequels as well as Hack-O-Lantern, The Hollow, Jack-O, Dark Walker, Halloween Night and various other time-stamped horror fests.

November brings Thanksgiving and with it mucho meat-carvery, as seen in Home Sweet Home.

Finally, the year rounds out with the festive season, but that features a tide of Killer Santas and Yuletide-hating psychos who punish anyone who’s naughty: You’ve made it through Halloween – now try to survive Christmas!

True words. See Silent Night, Deadly Night (all parts), Silent Night, Bloody Night, You Better Watch Out! (Christmas Evil), Santa’s Slay, Santa Claws, Christmas Season Massacre, Black Christmas and its remake, Don’t Open ‘Til Christmas, A Deadly Little Christmas and oodles of others all gift-wrapped in entrails.

The final night of the year, the stepping stone into the next year, it’s time to celebrate but watch out for New Year’s Evil, in which a psycho offs a broad for every midnight in the time zones of the US.

So, there you have it – the year is rife with deadly threats and even outside of those easily-avoidable dates, there are plenty of birthdays, parties, pranks and faux pas’ that can end in Death! Death! Death! for teens everywhere!

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Suicide hurts. But there are worse things.

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DEMONS NEVER DIE

2 Stars  2011/15/90m

“Evil has a new face but whose face is it?”

Director/Writer: Arjun Rose / Cast: Robert Sheehan, Jennie Jacques, Ashley Walters, Jason Maza, Jacob Anderson, Jack Doolan, Shanika Warren-Markland, Femi Oyeniran, Patrick Baladi, Andrew Ellis, Emma Rigby, Reggie Yates, Tulisa Contostavlos.

Body Count: 14

Dire-logue: “Lesbos? That’s not gay – that’s entertainment.”

A few years back, Britain chucked out a little slasher flick called Tormented about nasty school kids being offed by the undead ghost of the boy they all bullied to suicide. I didn’t expect another slasher film from these shores for another few decades but here we are with Demons Never Die, a film that barely registered as being out, let alone was played anywhere for more than a few days…

Now, before we begin, this film was exec produced by Idris Elba (from The Wire, Luther and the wretched Prom Night remake) and also socialite Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. What? I know, right. I saw her on the monorail at Gatwick once. She didn’t look happy. Anyhoo, both of them had the sense not to be in it, although I imagine a cameo by Elba might’ve helped at the box office.

At least with Elba’s name attached, surely there’s going to be something going for it? Well, yes and no. Demons Never Die is without doubt one of the strangest films, let alone slasher films, that I’ve seen in a long, long time. At times I questioned whether my own memory was failing me as things just seemed to happen on screen from nowhere and for no apparent reason.

It begins with a teary Tulisa Constastovalovatolos – she of irredeemably dire ‘urban’ trio N-Dubz and, more recently, the X-Factor judging panel – scribbling the word ‘Murder’ on a refill pad. She makes a call, cries some more, her dad comforts her, goes away, comes back, and finds her dead.

Turns out she was part of a secret club of assorted teens from a London community college who all want to commit suicide for reasons not abundantly clear. They just do. Local cops Reggie Yates (the Radio 1 DJ who always gets chart positions wrong) and ex-So Solid Crewee, Asher D, chalk it up as a suicide and somehow know to start following her friends around.

Crazy cockney Kenny wants to go out with a bang (literally) as a whole group and has a journo-student/lackie following him around with a camera; Archie thinks he loves Jasmine, who questions her own sanity, except when she’s attacked by a knife-toting masked loon. Then there’s stoner Cain, overweight loner James, and two others who don’t seem to have any problems whatsoever.

Another member – and Hollyoaks cast member – of the club is stabbed to death and, somehow, this is also thought to be self-murder. Archie and Jasmine have sex. The other four lesser characters do some drugs and decide life IS worth living after all and everyone drops out of the suicide pact, much to Kenny’s annoyance, who so decides to shoot them all at an upcoming party.

If I was beginning to frown before, at this juncture my entire head was creased in such a mask of disbelief as I scratched my head and pondered if first-timer Rose was also high while writing this. The actions and motivations of everybody in the whole film makes no sense: The group was so candid about their wishes to die and then seemingly object when someone shows up to help them out. Then, in the blink of an eye, they decide to live after all. The cops (all two of them) don’t seem to detect any homicidal elements in the growing pattern of stabbings, even when one of the teachers and his missus are offed in their home.

Fortunately, things pick up a little at the party. Of course, this happens at a big house in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by woodland (in London!?). The loon shows, stabs some people, and cuts the power, sending most of the partygoers home. This whole setup seems to lead to a future Ridiculous Scene O’ the Month:

  • Party hostess leaves group of friends to get a drink.
  • Party hostess finds dead body in kitchen.
  • Party hostess runs away screaming STRAIGHT PAST the group of teenagers and outside to the trees.
  • Party hostess hides behind a tree and watches her friends leave without summoning help.
  • Party hostess eventually decides to call out and is knifed before she can utter a word.

It comes down to Archie and Jasmine. The lights are out but they find some nightvision cameras! Wow! What were the odds? The film turns into The Blair Witch Project for the next five minutes until it seems the killer has struck again and Jasmine hobbles outside for help… Reveal time.

I wouldn’t be lying if I said I hadn’t guessed the killer’s identity. But neither will you. It’s just so… random. But in some strange way I was pleased it turned out to be who it did. Their motive was clear as mud, something to do with “wherever there’s pain there are demons,” and a hint that they were filming the killings to sell on to other sickos.

Demons Never Die is a cliche-fest by its slasher metric, pilfering much from the Scream movies: The knifings are seldom gory and the weapon of choice always makes that ‘shing’ sound whenever it’s moved, regardless of what it’s in contact with. The ‘urban’ flavourings are also riddled with stereotypical dialogue and it renders the characters hollow and unsympathetic. The fact that they WANT to die also vaccuums out all available tension: Why root for them to survive if they don’t want to?

Even worse, the most repugnant of the characters isn’t even afforded an on-camera death! The most squandered opportunity since Wendy’s axe-to-the-head was elided in Prom Night (that’s the superior original, Idris).

The topic of suicide is sloppily handled with no real duty-of-care. At least Heathers had the sense to parody the trend; here it’s nothing more than a plot device to tie together a Breakfast Club-esque cross section of college kids. None of these people would socialise in reality, yet we’re expected to believe they all belong to a serious mini-movement that condones ‘trendy’ suicide? It plays a bit irresponsibly in this regard.

That said, I wasn’t bored watching Demons Never Die, I was mainly confused but nevertheless entertained in the way you are watching an episode of Glee: it’s shite but they might do a genial cover version any second now.

It’s important to note that the film was shot in just 18 days on less than £100,000, so to look as polished as it does is quite the impressive feat. The acting isn’t bad either, though some of the players look a tad confused as to what their role is. Brit-grit just doesn’t translate to the genre very well; Tormented had the sense to poke fun at the ridiculousness of its setup and Wilderness pretty much replicated the American model of stranding the cast of an island beyond help.

I would recommend the film only to fellow genre dorks and perhaps fans of some of the players (or those who wish to see them impaled in some way) but it writes itself out of the equation in almost every other conceivable way.

Blurbs-of-interest: Jacob Anderson later turned up in not-too-disimilar “urban slasha” film Comedown; Patrick Baladi was later in The Windmill Massacre.

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