Crass class

NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CLASS REUNION

2 Stars  1982/18/82m

“No class has less class than this class.”

Director: Michael Miller / Writer: John Hughes / Cast: Gerrit Graham, Michael Lerner, Fred McCarren, Shelley Smith, Miriam Flynn, Stephen Furst, Blackie Dammett, Marla Pennington, Zane Buzby, Marya Small, Art Evans, Barry Diamond, Steve Tracy, Anne Ramsay, Chuck Berry.

Body Count: 4

Dire-logue: “Somebody do something – the reunion’s bombing!”


John Hughes will forever be fondly remembered as the king of teen films in the 80s. He gave us teen-angst in The Breakfast Club, teen romance in Pretty in Pink, and teen-confidence in Ferris Bueller. What did he bring us in National Lampoon’s Class Reunion? Certainly nothing to laugh about.

It’s another bogus reunion, organised by another bogus killer in this bogus comedy from the hit n’ miss caverns of National Lampoon. In this case, the Lizzie Borden High Class of ’72 return to their now abandoned school a decade after graduation. There, they are stalked by a loon masked by a paper bag in revenge for a Terror Train-like prank played on him at their senior prom.

Unfortunately for the viewing audience, he only does away with a measly four victims – all of whom are killed off camera – while ancillary characters are allotted long inconsequential scenes in a wasted attempt to extract some giggles. Although there are a couple of amusing lines, the whole film plays like a waste of time and one might suspect Hughes didn’t actually watch any slasher films to try and make the spoofing accurate, rather than sticking to bland gags about demonic possession, blindness, dope, and cowardice.

A good cast is wasted (not to mention spared). Skip it and go straight to Pandemonium.

Blurbs-of-interest: Gerrit Graham was in Child’s Play 2; Stephen Furst was also in The Unseen and Silent Rage (also directed by Michael Miller); Michael Lerner was in Maniac Cop 2.

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MILO

1.5 Stars  1997/18/89m

“Remember, Jason and Freddy were kids once too.”

Director: Pascal Franchot / Writer: Craig Mitchell / Cast: Jennifer Jostyn, Antonio Fargas, Paula Cale, Maya McLaughlin, Vincent Schiavelli, Asher Metchik, Robert Portnow, Walter Olkewicz.

Body Count: 5


A Sunday-afternoon video rental from the late 90s… The intervening years have jaded the memory of evil-child flick Milo. Mercifully, I should think. I definitely remember it being crap.

Sixteen years earlier a girl is murdered by Milo, a strange kid who wears a yellow rainmack all year round and rides a rusty old bicycle. He later drowns. Or does he?

In the present, three grown up friends of the murdered girl gather back in town for the wedding of a fourth. Only she has just died in a car accident. The heroine, Claire, takes over her dead friend’s job as teacher at a local school and soon finds herself haunted by visions of Milo. Thus, she convinces herself he is apparently still alive, apparently still ten years old, and apparently killing the other women.

Of course, nobody in horror films ever listens and she eventually ends up fighting off the little fucker on her own after all these neigh-sayers have been laid to waste. What are the facts? It’s all got something to do with abortion and children that don’t grow.

Milo is poorly written and produced and the end is a total mindfuck: A young janitor scrubs Milo’s name off a wall and in the next (and last) shot, we see the boy stabbing an unidentified woman who only takes up about a tenth of the screen space. From behind. Rubbish.

Creepy kids dressed in rainmacks should be creepy, but it’s all so amateurishly put together that you’d just kick Milo in the face should you encounter him.

Blurbs-of-shame: Walter Olkewicz was also in The Surgeon; the late Vincent Schiavelli turns up in all manner of films and was also in Playroom.

Hollow by name…

What? A Halloween-set film on Friday the 13th? What am I thinking, you may bleat…? I don’t want to over-do my love for Jason too soon. And there’s another Friday the 13th in July, so we’ll do it then, K?

Till then, enjoy the starstudded tame-fest that is The Hollow:

THE HOLLOW

3 Stars  2004/15/83m

“Terror rides again.”

Director: Kyle Newman / Writer: Hans Rodionoff / Cast: Kevin Zegers, Kaley Cuoco, Nick Carter, Stacy Keach, Judge Reinhold, Lisa Chess, Nicholas Turturro, Eileen Brennan, Joseph Mazzello, Shelley Bennett, Melissa Schuman, Natalija Nogulich, Blake Shields, Ben Scott.

Body Count: 5

Dire-logue: “Teach me the meaning of the word BONEyard…”


Zegers, Cuoco, Carter, Mazzello, Brennan, Keach, Reinhold! You seldom see such a well known cast roster in a slasher film, even less likely one that ended up premiering on TV.

This is a tame little affair concerning The Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow and his return to decapitating glory when ancestors of his move to the origin town. Kevin Zegers is affable enough as Ian, the put-upon great-great-great-something of Ichabod Crane, who is tormented by Stacy Keach’s drunken spouter of olde tales who says ‘ye’ a lot and refers to Ian as ‘Teacher’.

When, as ever, nobody listens to the old man’s blithering and demands that the town calls off its traditional Halloween night festivities (including a hay ride through the haunted woods), the pumpkin-headed horseman turns up wherever horny teens dare to tread and relieves them of their noggin.

Backstreet Boy Nick Carter plays the arrogant jock and love rival of Ian’s for the affection of a pom-pom waving pre-Big Bang Theory Kaley Cuoco. One would think that if an unknown had played the role, he most certainly would’ve joined the legion of the beheaded but his survival is one of the main flaws of the movie.

Reinhold and Brennan have comparatively little to do in their respective roles as Ian’s strict football coach father and a random old woman who owns the land that the hayride tromps through. She appears for all of five minutes and phones in all of three lines that have no bearing on the plot whatsoever. Joseph Mazzello, grown up from his role as “annoying kid” in Jurassic Park is another “name” with next to nothing to do. But at least he, unlike Carter, has the decency to croak early on.

A body count of five means there’s little in the way of imaginative grue, but The Hollow is entertaining insofar as its family-friendly horror status allows it to be but its resistance to pile on the cliches or let itself get too carried away with gothic theatrics make it a fun flick, if not a particularly memorable one.

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Blurbs-of-interest: Zegers was also in Wrong Turn; Cuoco in Killer Movie; Keach was also in Children of the Corn 666; Eileen Brennan has a similarly minimal cameo in Jeepers Creepers; Reinhold made his big screen debut in send-up Pandemonium (Brennan also made a cameo in that); Melissa Schuman was the lead in The Retreat.

Stock Background Characters 101: The Goth

In this feature, we examine the lesser beings of the slasher movie realm, which, if you’re making your own slasher film, could provide a good cast roster for you.

No killer or final girl profiles here, this is a celebration of those underlings who made the most of their fleeting flirtation with stardom. And usually died.

Time to paint your nails and get moody with THE GOTH

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Overview: Who didn’t have dark and dismal moments in their teenage years? Some of us repress, some of us do all we can to fit in, and some of us paint our nails black, die our hair black, and wear lots of black. And talk about vampires n’ shit.

Unlike many of the Stock Background Characters we’ve already covered, Goth’s are fairly commonplace folk. Hell, I dabbled way back when (much to the displeasure of my devout Christian parents). But we’re talking slasher movies here, where character type is stereotype and nothing more.

Linguistic Snapshot: “What’s the point in running – we’re all gonna die sooner or later anyway? Death is beautiful, might as well get stabbed now than succumb to some horrible flesh-eating disease in a few years.”

Styling: Black. Black. Black. And maybe some deep reds. Hair cannot be natural colour. Heavy boots are the preferred footwear; fishnets for girls; dark glasses; silver jewelery galore; black lipstick; piercings; tats.

Hallmarks: Goths are largely depressed/ing backgrounders; outsiders to the main gaggle of teenagers. On the outer rim of the social collective, they’re there usually to make comments about how hopeless the situation/circumstance/life is.

Despite rarely surviving the murder spree of the picture’s loon, The Goth(s) can sometime provide valuable insights into the dilemma. It’s worth noting, however, that they – like Nerds, Geeks & Dorks – are coded almost sexlessly. Sure, they’re usually played by good looking actors but, in terms of the plot, they rarely, if ever, get any.

Downfall: Most slasher flick’s rarely develop the Goth character beyond any sense of be-downbeat-then-die, although there are a few notable exceptions. Take Molly in Ripper: Letter from Hell as a prime example of Goth as heroine: she dresses for the part, has a bad attitude, and is generally pessimistic about the situation (having been the sole survivor of a previous massacre). Under normal circumstances, Molly would be scheduled to die early but emerges as the final girl. Or is she killer? Actually, if anyone categorically knows what the hell goes on at the end of Ripper I’d be obliged!

One of the heroines of See No Evil is also a tattoo-plastered goth chick.

Elsewhere, Goth characters die un-sensational deaths at the hands of the killer. They are usually drawn as pacifists, even enfeebled people, without much pluck. Taryn, the junkie sub-criminal of Elm Street 3 ‘dreams’ herself into a tough goth counterpart and spars with Freddy in a suitably grimy dreamscape but eventually falls foul of her unreconciled drug addiction.

In Urban Legend, Lithium-toking Tosh (genre fixture Danielle Harris) is the final girl’s roommate and the killer manages to pass off her murder as a suicide; wannabe-killer goth Damien (Alexis Arquette) is done in by the reanimated Chucky when co-goth Jennifer Tilly resurrects him. Then there’s goth-duo Ian and Erin of Final Destination 3, who, while not buying into it, have a few decent theories about Death and its proposed plan to eradicate them.

Genesis: It would seem as if the first goth-like character in a slasher film was awkward-inmate Violet from Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning. While not adhering to the later conventions of ‘goth’, which seemingly came into being in the 1990s hand-in-hand with the grunge movement, Violet is a moody, difficult teen (but she’s at a halfway house for such problem youths so she’s working on it) who robot dances to horrendous neo-rock music and has a post-Madonna dye-job.

In Friday VIII we get JJ, guitar-rockin’ cross between punk and goth who bites it way too early. Then there’s Taryn, and Arab from Sleepaway Camp III in the morphing period between 80s spandex rockers (see also Dokken’s hilarious Elm Street 3 music video for ‘Dream Warriors’). It’s also worth chucking in Ally Sheedy’s neigh-vocal Alyson from The Breakfast Club, as important a teen movie as there could be for the 80s. The chick from Detention (pictured (very) top right) is undoubtedly based on her.

Legacy: In the post-Scream movies, female goths started to grow into the frame with regularity. Tatum from Scream (Rose McGowan, who dated and I think maybe even married Marilyn Manson) is adorned with hints of the look, then on to the aforementioned Tosh, Molly in Ripper, and those we see dotted throughout the genre today. Though there’s still some way to go in terms of gender equality: goth girls vastly outnumber their male counterparts in the way that nerd boys have very few female equals

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Laurie, in Halloween II (2009), has turned from bookish schoolgirl to full-fledged goth-chick, so much so that she becomes almost unbearable as a character (let alone the heroine). Rob Zombie packs both films full of such characters, affiliating them with white trash backgrounds.

A trio of ‘comedy-goths’ appear in Brit-slasher Tormented, who crop up around the edges and saying terribly cliched things about death, music nobody understands, and voicing their feelings about how misunderstood they are. With the rise of “Emo” as a sort-of insult on the back of the whole “goth thing”, characters who dress in black and talk about magic and psychic stuff are treated like moronic idiots and made fun of. Curiously, the trio of dim-bulbed goths in Tormented are allowed to survive (though one is deafened by over-loud music forced on him).

Conclusions: To be a goth, or to not be a goth. It’s interesting that there have been a couple of final goth girls in recent years (though neither were particularly likeable or memorable) and that not everybody whose parents disapprove of the clothes they wear, the colour of their hair, and Slipknot, is with certainty doomed.

That said, it’s still safer not to stand out from the crowd. THAT said, it’s safer still not to go to the party at the old cemetery (sucky, if you’re into all that shit) or explore the rundown old school.

Life is full of dark shit, make sure you don’t get so dark that you become full of blades.

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Powersaw killed the radio star

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2

2.5 Stars  1986/18/97m

“After a decade of silence… the buzzz is back.”

Director: Tobe Hooper / Writer: L.M. Kit Carson / Cast: Dennis Hopper, Caroline Williams, Jim Siedow, Bill Johnson, Bill Moseley, Lou Perry.

Body Count: 3

Dire-logue: “You got one choice, boy: Sex or the saw.”


I’m not a fan of the old Texas Chainsaw movies by any measure. The original manages to be both over and under rated simultaneously but I don’t particularly care if I ever see it again.

Keep your pitchforks and torches at bay until I get around to reviewing it. For now, let us focus on the sequel…

The first half of this VERY 80s movie is great stuff. Charismatic Texan DJ Stretch (Williams) overhears the chainsaw-slaying of two snotty frat boys during her radio show and volunteers to assist vengeful ranger ‘Lefty’ Enright (Hopper), uncle of Sally – sole survivor of the original massacre. In Texas. Involving a chainsaw.

Thirteen years on, Lefty is hell bent on tracking down those responsible. Meanwhile, those responsible – Leatherface and kin are hiding out beneath an abandoned amusement park, where they make ‘the best meat in the state’ under the cute name of the Sawyers.

Leatherface and hyper-sibling Chop-Top are dispatched to kill Stretch after she broadcasts the recording of the frat murder over the airwaves. Instead of being sawn to ribbons and served up in a burger shack, Stretch manages to win Leatherface’s affections and he lets her live. She follows them back to their lair, where she is captured and tortured while Lefty begins destroying the place.

Differences between this and the original are sharp: Where the old film traded on its almost documentary-style feel, TCM2 hinges itself on dark humour and visual surrealism, recreating the infamous dinner scene before the climax. Not to mention the Breakfast Club-esque poster artwork.

It’s less of a slasher film – possibly as a reaction to the over-saturation of the genre it helped create – than a bizarre nightmare set to celluloid.

Johnson stands in for Gunnar Hansen as Leatherface and the Tom Savini grue effects work is great, especially the scalping opener. When original submitted to the BBFC for a rating, they came back requesting as much as 25 minutes of cuts! It was eventually released unscissored in 2001.

Hopper and Williams are good, although all characterisation goes out of the window at the halfway point, which swivels from the great first half to an annoyingly indulgent latter section.

About as entertaining as the first one but in a vastly different way and nicely made by its helmsman so worth a look at least once.

Blurbs-of-interest: Caroline Williams was later in Stepfather II and Hatchet III. Bill Moseley can also be found in Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet, Home SickSilent Night Deadly Night III and Natty Knocks; Tobe Hooper also directed The Funhouse, and the 2003 remake of The Toolbox Murders.

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