Permanently offline


2 Stars  2000/18/90m

“The new website everyone’s dying to see.”

A.k.a. The Movie

Director/Writer: Miles Feldman / Cast: Jena Romano, Travis Shakespeare, Adam Weiner, Tawnya Richardson, Keri-Anne Telford, Vanessa Nachtmann, Shannon Hutchinson, Laurie Searle, Ryan Boone, Kevin Pass, Iva Hasperger, Eric Adam Wittgren, Rob O’Malley, Scott Berman.

Body Count: 13

Dire-logue: “You’re killing my buzz, Euroboobs!”

Exploitation horror sometimes requires a bit o’ sleaze. Is there anything that bad about a dash of sleaze? Sleazy-sleazy-bo-beazy, banana-fana-fo-feazy, fee-fi-mo-meazy, Sleazy… OK.

Anyway,, released in the UK under that dog-shit title The Movie (!), was one of the earlier attempts to fuse stalk n’ slash conventions with reality TV, which was arguably at its peak in 2000. So, three horny Californian dorks audition a group of nubile airheads who’ll “try most things once…no animals,” to live in a house rigged with cameras, while virginal nerds max out their debit cards to watch and “beat off” over the internet – although watching a girl on the toilet isn’t my idea of titillation.

Shy narrator and bargain-basement Winona Ryder look-alike Mary is worried because she has no personality and doesn’t sleep around like her housemates but facially-inept mastermind Alex likes her and that’s all that matters! Meanwhile, a masked killer begins knocking off the ancillary characters, including a dim-witted gardener-slash-perv. Aside from he and Mary, the others are the usual pick n’ mix of jocks, potheads, bitches and bimbos whose always-sexual conversations limit their vocab to ‘cool’ and ‘party’ and they are thankfully laid to waste, more often than not during the act.

The most memorable sequence (also known as the only one I didn’t forget ten minutes later) is when the aggressive lesbian goes down on a Pammie Anderson-a-like, who sees the killer approaching but is, y’know, unable to get out of the way! There’s also the obligatory Scream-lite opener that doesn’t remotely connect with anything else that happens.

For all these flaws in credibility, acting talent, photography, lighting, audio and plotting, never became so bad that I wanted to kick the screen in and some of the characters here are still less pretentious, transparent and stabbable than those in Big Brother!

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