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Yet more almost but not-quite slasher flicks

Another selection of horror movies that have a bodycount, a loon, and a barrier that stops them being classed as (by me, at least) as slasher flicks.

See the previous lists here and here.

THE WOMAN 2011

Lucky McKee’s sort-of follow up to the film Offspring is a harrowingly brilliant tale of a feral woman captured by a sociopathic family man who tells his oppressed wife (the ever reliable Angela Bettis) and family that the plan is to civilise her. As we learn that the patriarch of the family is a twisted prick who rapes his teenage daughter and doesn’t mind the beginnings of sexually depravity in his son, The Woman, understandably unhappy with being strapped up in a root cellar, is unleashed by said teen daughter to reap a cannibalistically bloody revenge.

Why it’s not really a slasher flick There may be a ‘massacre’ of sorts (three victims), but The Woman is anything but a slasher flick. The accent being on the monsters in plain sight rather than a forest-dwelling neo-zombie. But see it regardless, it’s truly awesome.

ALIEN 1979

Somebody once posited on a message board that “Alien is a standard slasher”. And there were later reviews that dubbed it “Halloween in space”. Whichever way you cut it, Alien is an undisputed masterpiece of modern cinema. When I first saw it as a nipper in the 90s, I couldn’t believe it had been made in the 70s. Long and slow but totally worth the wait for the horror to begin but the characterisations are, like The Woman, well beyond the usual kill-fest. Although we all remember Sigourney Weaver for her pioneering role as uber-heroine Ripley, her six co-stars are equally drawn out as validated and believable people.

Why it’s not really a slasher flick Put simply, the ‘killer’ here is working on instinct, not motive. Otherwise, Jaws and every other creature feature that have a series of attacks would be classed as slasher films.

THE ROCKVILLE SLAYER 2007

Although I only watched this movie about three weeks ago, I’ll be damned if I can remember it. Things definitely began in the usual way with a quartet of parked-up teenagers gettin’ down n’ dirty are attacked by a knife-wielding maniac. Boo-hoo, cries the town. A female detective comes along. Joe Estevez doesn’t go overboard for once. An escaped mental patient who everyone blames for everything. Big-faced Maniac Cop Robert Z’Dar loiters. And the end didn’t make sense but as I hadn’t been paying much attention I can’t really lay the blame at the film’s feet for that.

Why it’s not really a slasher flick The first ten minutes are the stuff every post-Friday the 13th movie is made of, but after that it becomes a really, really boring character study with some mystery stirred in and left to simmer. A watched pot never boils and this film never ignites.

SERIAL KILLING 101 2002

Disenchanted but charismatic high-schooler Justin Urich (curiously also seen in Horror 101) turns in a school report that states he intends to graduate and become a serial killer. Teacher freaks. No one else cares. Except Lisa Loeb. Remember her of 90s international hit Stay (I Missed You)? She agrees to help him prep if he’ll make her his first victim. Meanwhile, a bitchy classmate of theirs is murdered FOR REALZ!!!11!!1! The duo profile the killer, solve it, save the day, fall in love, and Urich decides to be an FBI profiler instead.

Why it’s not really a slasher flick There’s only one murder as I recall and, as the title suggests, it’s committed by a serial killer rather than a loon who offs a string of teens all at once.

THE ZERO BOYS 1986

Bear with me, I saw this yeeeeeears ago. A trio of survivalist types and their girlfriends go into the woods for a weekend and disturb a gaggle of looney toon backwoods types. They might’ve been drug-addled. I can’t recall. Nominal heroine Kelli Maroney had Kiefer Sutherland/Lost Boys-esque hair and Nicole Rio from Sorority House Massacre is in it. The third girl had a cast on her leg, which made hobbling away from any advancing maniacs amusing.

Why it’s not really a slasher flick Of the main characters, only one of them bites it. I think a few other schmucks bought it earlier on but this was more like the dull parts of The Final Terror mixed with sub-A-Team improvised-trap bravado. See it for the hair.

A few thoughts on Piranha 3DD. D. DD.

PIRANHA 3DD

1.5 Stars  2012/18/83m

“Twice the terror. Double the D’s.”

Director: John Gulager / Writers: Marcus Dunstan & Patrick Melton / Cast: Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, David Koechner, Chris Zylka, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames, Paul Scheer, Katrina Bowden, Jean-Luc Bilodeau, Paul James Jordan, Meagan Tandy, David Hasselhoff, Gary Busey, Clu Gulager, Adrian Martinez.

Body Count: I counted 11

Dire-logue: “Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina!”


I wouldn’t normally review this movie here, as fish don’t usually wield blades and have intricate revenge plots to settle (possibly excluding that shark in Jaws: The Revenge). But I hope that a few thoughts on my frankly miserable experience might save somebody else’s sanity, somewhere in the world…

Plus I did that Be careful what you fish for thingy some while ago.

Let us begin by stating that Piranha 3D (2010) was a horror film with a bit of comedy, whereas Piranha 3DD is a comedy with a bit of horror.

My misery began on a rainy Monday, when I drove my VW camper along the cinema to see an afternoon performance. During the ads and trailers, the sound seemed muffled and I hoped by the time the movie began it would work. Lo and behold, it didn’t. Only the music and added sound effects were discernible to the ear: All dialogue sounded like the actors were talking through gas masks. 35 minutes in, the techs couldn’t fix it and the showing was cancelled. We got refunded and home I went.

Having seen (though not heard) the first third of the movie, I thought “oh, it’s not as bad as it was meant to be.” Indeed, Piranha 3DD starts well enough, with a couple of tame fish attacks on a pair of trappers (Busey and director’s dad Gulager) and then ‘the van scene’, which was nicely done, although, again, very light on the bloodletting, something the 2010 movie was super liberal about.

When I went to a different cinema after work the next day, I re-enjoyed the first 35 minutes and then began to slip into a parallel state of being where I literally couldn’t believe that what was appearing on the screen had ever made it past any sort of editing suite. The subtle beginnings give way to an onslaught of ridiculous setups and, given the waterpark finale we were all salivating over the prospects of, a real damp squib of a finale.

The fish make it to the park and ‘the massacre’ scene occurs and is over and done with largely within 2-3 minutes. Shots from the trailer appear but there is no extra meat (‘scuse the pun) to them. The girl we see on the slide being attacked, for instance, there’s no preamble to it. Elsewhere, there’s a decapitation by driving a golf cart into what appears to be string bunting!

The mainstay from the first film is the nudity. If you thought it was crowbarred in before, it’s completely superfluous this time round. A montage of tits and vadge is shown near the start as Koechner’s agreeably slimy waterpark owner introduces Danielle Panabaker to the ‘adult pool’, which includes an underwater ‘Coochie Cam’. It’s entirely without point and weirdly off-putting.

Piranha-3dd-pool-2

Finally, there’s David Hasselhoff. Introduced in a frankly bizarre scene where he composes a crappy my-first-Casio song about “love honey”, then attempts to spoof his Baywatch role, poses a lot, and is utterly unaffected by the carnage going on around him.

In conclusion:

  • The CG-fish look better
  • Too many principal cast members survive (and several of those that don’t aren’t even chomped by the piranha)
  • Nudity beyond requirement. Oddly, in the two sex scenes, there’s none!
  • The Hoff lives
  • Ving Rhames and Paul Scheer (Andrew the camera guy who literally disappeared in the first film) appear for all of five minutes.
  • This should be a horror film, not Porky’s Meets Piranha

A good first act notwithstanding, this is possibly the worst of the five Piranha movies. And that includes Roger Corman’s dodgy 1995 version.

Blurbs-of-interest: Danielle Panabaker was Jenna in the 2009 Friday the 13th redux; David Koechner was recently in Final Destination 5; Chris Zylka can be found in all three My Super Psycho Sweet 16 films; Clu Gulager played the dad in A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2. Writers Dunstan and Melton were the “creative” force behind The Collector.

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I’d rather jack

JACK-O

2 Stars  1995/15/89m

“It’s harvest time.”

A.k.a. Jack-O-Lantern

Director: Steve Latshaw / Writers: Patrick Moran, Fred Olen Ray & Brad Linaweaver / Cast: Linnea Quigley, Rebecca Wicks, Gary Doles, Catherine Walsh, Ryan Latshaw, Rachel Carter, Tom Ferda, Bill Cross, Helen Keeling, George Castells, Kelly Lacy, Michael Walsh, Brinke Stevens, Dawn Wildsmith, John Carradine, Cameron Mitchell.

Body Count: 11


If you can get past another killer with an oversized pumpkin for a head, then there’s a little bit of mileage in this Fred Olen Ray production – which should tell us all we need to know.

We learn from the flashback dreams of a young boy (director’s son Latshaw, with all the charisma of a belly-up fish) of his ancestors’ curse from a nasty warlock, who summoned the title creature 81 years earlier to scythe up his rival’s bloodline.

Beer-fuelled teenagers unearth the demon on Halloween, who picks up where he left off, but notably fails to kill any of the target family members, instead doing away with some annoying ancillary characters, such a right-wing neighbours and stock horror movie workmen.

After a gratuitous shower scene, Linnea emerges as babysitter to the Jack-O’s prime kill and her sister (Wicks) spends most of the film running around, teasing her biker boyfriend.

Frustratingly uneven pacing and a killer who flits all over the place at will gets under your skin more than the sickle appears to – but death by toaster is a high point.

The most interesting factor is the appearances of Carradine and Mitchell, both of whom died before the film was released.

Blurbs-of-interest: Fred Olen Ray directed Scalps and Final Examination; Linnea can also be seen in Graduation Day, Silent Night, Deadly Night, Kolobos, Spring Break Massacre, The Barn, and a background cameo in Fatal Games; Brinke Stevens was also a backgrounder in Fatal Games, and was also in The Slumber Party Massacre, American Nightmare (2000), Bleed, Blood Reaper, The Cheerleader Massacre and Sigma Die!; Cameron Mitchell was in The Toolbox Murders, The Demon, Silent Scream (1980), Trapped Alive, and Valley of Death.

Face off. Literally.

MASK MAKER

4 Stars  2010/18/87m

“Meet your maker.”

A.k.a. Maskerade

Director: G.E. Furst / Writers: Eric Miller, Jake Kennedy, G.E. Furst / Cast: Nikki DeLoach, Stephen Colletti, Terry Kiser, Michael Berryman, Treat Williams, Anabella La Casanova, Ross Britz, Mariah Bonner, A.J. Allegra, Lara Grice, Jonathan Breck, Jason London.

Body Count: 14

Dire-logue: “Are you taking me to a remote location where you plan on murdering me for my birthday?”


I’ve often said that a surefire way to produce a decent slasher film these days is simply to pick n’ mix good parts of other decent slasher films and mold a pastiche together like a giant playdough ball of grue.

Finally, someone’s done that.

Make no mistake, Mask Maker has zilch orginality to it. Almost nothing happens that hasn’t happened before in some forgotten B movie nobody cares to remember. But what the Mask Maker makers have done is stitch together these little motifs and scenarios, set-ups and shots, and create a well above average (in post-millennium terms), none-too-pretentious body count pic – just the kind of thing I needed after what has seemed like a long drought of good horror fare.

Many will say “Dude, this sucks! It’s got nothing going for it,” but in the absence of anything new TO DO with slasher movies, at least what is done here has some competence and logic to it.

How’s this for the story? In what I thought was the 1800s – but was, in fact, 1961 – a madcap woman kidnaps someone’s baby to sacrifice it in order to restore life/immortality/whatnot to a bandaged up figure. She succeeds, but is hanged by the angry townsfolk and bandage dude – her son – is skewered with some sacred Native American stick-thing and buried.

An aerial shot of a college campus accompanied by alt rock tells us we’re now in the present and economically-minded birthday girl Jennifer is taken by her cutesy boy-toy Evan to claim her birthday present: the house where all the 1800s-1961-really shizzle went down. She’s displeased, acts like a bitch about it, and then learns it’s a real fixer upper, only cost $10,000 and has forty acres of land with it. She’s then happy. And apologises.

Friends come down for the weekend to help clean up and one of them totters into the cemetery on the grounds and yanks out the Native American sacred stick-thing, hexing the lot of ’em. Bandage-dude, whom we learn is called Leonard from a series of flashbacks where Treat Williams (!) is screwing around with the boy’s mom, rises again and starts to kill the newcomers.

Mask Maker has a bit of a fractured structure and I wasn’t entirely sure if we’d been clued in on everything that was going on. Bernie himself, Terry Kiser, mumbles through an exposition about what happened in ’61 and tells Jennifer to get out of ‘The Old Tucker Place’ (“He’ll kill you all!” etc) but by then it’s too late for most of her friends, who have been slashed, axed and pitchforked dead by Leonard, who then rips off their facial epidermis (with surprising ease) and wears them to torment the next victim.

Considering how seen-it-all-before things get, director Furst manages to wring a lot of energy and even a fair whack of tension from familiar scenes. There’s a great chase, for once involving a fleeing guy rather than the usual squealing girl, and when Jen finally discovers the carnage, she puts on her final girl shoes and goes for broke, making all the right decisions until thwarted by the hulking maniac.

Eventually, things go by way of Friday the 13th Part 2 (and even Humongous) as she dons mother’s dress to fool Leonard into believing she’s returned from the grave; this is then followed up by a copy of the ‘machete-slide’ climax of Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. The face-peeling schtick throws up reminders of the Texas Chainsaw remakes and low-bud DVD flick Scarred, though mercifully they hold back on extreme close-ups of a slow-rip from the skull here.

So, deformed, mute, son with overbearing love for psychotic, unhinged mother, eh? Chuck in Michael Berryman’s handyman (who works at Pluto’s World of Goods!!!) with a few sage words here and there, Jason London’s rather pointless cameo, Native American burial rituals, an old diary with all the answers, a full moon, T&A, and a requisite ‘twist’ that practically sounds a foghorn to let you know it’s coming, and there’s little else you need in a straight-up slasher movie.

Insignificant though it may be –  and downright laughable to anyone who’s recently watched The Cabin in the Woods – I really enjoyed Mask Maker. It’s like a narrative montage of good bits from great teenie-kill pics and that is certainly not a bad thing by any standards, merely a comfortably predictable one.

It also made me want to sing ‘mask maker’ to the tune of the Kids from Fame’s ‘Starmaker’. Further proof of its evident superiority.

Blurbs-of-interest: Terry Kiser was Dr Crews in Friday the 13th Part VII; Jonathan Breck played The Creeper in both Jeepers Creepers films and was also in The Caretaker; Jason London was in Killer Movie and The Rage: Carrie 2; Michael Berryman was Pluto (you see??) in both of the original Hills Have Eyes movies and was also in Deadly Blessing and Penny Dreadful.

“He’ll kill you aaaaall etc!”

Hollow by name…

What? A Halloween-set film on Friday the 13th? What am I thinking, you may bleat…? I don’t want to over-do my love for Jason too soon. And there’s another Friday the 13th in July, so we’ll do it then, K?

Till then, enjoy the starstudded tame-fest that is The Hollow:

THE HOLLOW

3 Stars  2004/15/83m

“Terror rides again.”

Director: Kyle Newman / Writer: Hans Rodionoff / Cast: Kevin Zegers, Kaley Cuoco, Nick Carter, Stacy Keach, Judge Reinhold, Lisa Chess, Nicholas Turturro, Eileen Brennan, Joseph Mazzello, Shelley Bennett, Melissa Schuman, Natalija Nogulich, Blake Shields, Ben Scott.

Body Count: 5

Dire-logue: “Teach me the meaning of the word BONEyard…”


Zegers, Cuoco, Carter, Mazzello, Brennan, Keach, Reinhold! You seldom see such a well known cast roster in a slasher film, even less likely one that ended up premiering on TV.

This is a tame little affair concerning The Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow and his return to decapitating glory when ancestors of his move to the origin town. Kevin Zegers is affable enough as Ian, the put-upon great-great-great-something of Ichabod Crane, who is tormented by Stacy Keach’s drunken spouter of olde tales who says ‘ye’ a lot and refers to Ian as ‘Teacher’.

When, as ever, nobody listens to the old man’s blithering and demands that the town calls off its traditional Halloween night festivities (including a hay ride through the haunted woods), the pumpkin-headed horseman turns up wherever horny teens dare to tread and relieves them of their noggin.

Backstreet Boy Nick Carter plays the arrogant jock and love rival of Ian’s for the affection of a pom-pom waving pre-Big Bang Theory Kaley Cuoco. One would think that if an unknown had played the role, he most certainly would’ve joined the legion of the beheaded but his survival is one of the main flaws of the movie.

Reinhold and Brennan have comparatively little to do in their respective roles as Ian’s strict football coach father and a random old woman who owns the land that the hayride tromps through. She appears for all of five minutes and phones in all of three lines that have no bearing on the plot whatsoever. Joseph Mazzello, grown up from his role as “annoying kid” in Jurassic Park is another “name” with next to nothing to do. But at least he, unlike Carter, has the decency to croak early on.

A body count of five means there’s little in the way of imaginative grue, but The Hollow is entertaining insofar as its family-friendly horror status allows it to be but its resistance to pile on the cliches or let itself get too carried away with gothic theatrics make it a fun flick, if not a particularly memorable one.

hollow-cast2

Blurbs-of-interest: Zegers was also in Wrong Turn; Cuoco in Killer Movie; Keach was also in Children of the Corn 666; Eileen Brennan has a similarly minimal cameo in Jeepers Creepers; Reinhold made his big screen debut in send-up Pandemonium (Brennan also made a cameo in that); Melissa Schuman was the lead in The Retreat.

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