NO PLACE LIKE HOME

  2008/15/85m

Director/Writer: Steven James Creazzo / Cast: Vincent J. Mazella, Denise Filosa, Steven James Creazzo, Ronnie Petricevich, Jaimi Williams, Bob Fletcher.

Body Count: 9

Dire-logue: “Just because he’s your husband doesn’t mean you know him.”

An experience akin to watching someone’s vacation footage where they got bored and decided to make a little film for laughs. If only I could’ve clicked my heels together to teleport out of this nightmare…

A man returns to his hometown several years after his parents were murdered. The killer was never found. Everyone thinks he did it. Some of the locals have knowledge of the facts and they find themselves eliminated by a loon in a rubber skull mask.

As if the camcorder footage isn’t painful enough, the acting, gore effects and even wardrobe all serve to magnify how horrible watching No Place Like Home is: one of the two cops in town wears a variety of sleeveless tops in pastel colours and with a huge pirate-style earring and Seagal-themed mini-ponytail.

There’s a great scene where one poor idiot gets his arm lopped off with your everyday saw (in one motion, no less) and just looks at it with absolutely no expression on his face. Later, once the true identity of the killer has been unveiled, he apologises for a previous crime like he’d reversed into the person’s car: “yeah sorry about that, killed your parents, didn’t mean to…”

And where the hell did the two children disappear to?

While credits outtakes show just how low budget this film was, it’s only worth watching if you like horrendously slow fist fights, girl fights, and the pinnacle of stunts is a guy jumping over the bonnet of a car.