Time on my hands… Last week I opted to watch a Final Destination film a day. Why? Probably dreamt about it. Or talked about it. It’s always fun to notice new things:

Monday: Final Destination (2000)

This viewing’s rating

• I continue to advocate the Flight 180 plane crash as the scariest disaster of all five films.
• The TWA 800 footage was in poor taste, wouldn’t it have been easier to make them bound for Italy? Germany? Spain?
• Who pays Clear’s rent?
• The black shadow-blob thing was cool and creepy.
• Alex says he didn’t switch seats etc. so the order is wrong, but he did. He did!
• I hope Clear’s dog was adopted by a lovely family.

Tuesday: Final Destination 2 (2003)

This viewing’s rating

• If the events of the first film occurred 5-6 weeks after the plane crash, and then Alex, Clear, and Carter went to Paris six months after the others died, Alex apparently didn’t leave his house for three months until he died, so Clear has only been in her padded cell for two months tops.
• Regardless of how good the idea that this group are affected by the deaths from the first film scuppering their own, the dialogue in the scene where they realise it is beyond dire. But question yourself, how could it be anything but!?
• Shouldn’t the ‘outward ripple’ have kept, uh, ‘rippling’?

Wednesday: Final Destination 3 (2006)

This viewing’s rating

• Weird how Jesse Moss’ name appears on the credits but he’s in it for a matter of minutes, but Amanda Crew’s isn’t, despite having a much bigger role.
• Fuck the danger, that rollercoaster looks amazing. And long. Very, very long. I’d ride it.
• This one is badly scripted: Wendy and Kevin talk > Death > Wendy and Kevin talk > Death. Over and over…
• Ian and Erin would’ve made much more interesting protagonists.
• The sister’s friend Perry doesn’t utter a single word in the whole film. Not even a ‘fuck!’ when she gets speared.
• The cops following Wendy and Kevin add nothing. Nothing. They’re 100% useless.
• I don’t like the decision to ‘kill ’em all’ was based on some lame feedback. It renders the series a bit void if there’s absolutely no hope for anybody.

Thursday: The Final Destination (2009)

This viewing’s rating

• In true ‘this is the last one’ style, they lied.
• Devour by Shinedown is the best thing in the entire film.
• ‘Character’ names include: ‘Racist’ (and ‘Racist’s Wife’!), ‘Mechanic’, ‘Cowboy’, and ‘MILF’.
• Who are these leads? What do they do? Where are their families?
• Why are they hardly interested in the fact their friend had a premonition? They’re just like “on with life!”
• The woman playing MILF/Samantha was Emmanuelle in the 90s porn series.
• Nobody mentioned Hunt once after he bites it. Or seemed sad.
• Death-by-carwash would’ve been awesome? It still happens in Thai FD rip-off 999-9999.
• I’m still staggered this one is the most successful of the series.

Friday: Final Destination 5 (2011)

This viewing’s rating

• The extra behind Sam and Molly climbs around or over the concrete divider thingy three times in different shots.
• CGI water splashes still have a long way to go.
• Yay! It’s Tony Todd.
• The massage scene is actually really funny.
• But I never want acupuncture.
• There are no black women in any of these movies.
• Flight 180 – still terrifying!
• The ‘Greatest Hits’ megamix of grue at the end! Amazing.

Conclusions:

• Still nobody visits a spiritualist, medium, or shaman.
• Still nobody questions where the premonitions came from.
• But the series is still 80% awesome. Fuck The Final Destination. Even the title sucks.
• Make another one please New Line! A proper dark, broody, eerie one.
• I’m way suspicious that almost every item I own is capable of eviscerating me now.