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Scared of boredom?

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PHOBIA

2 Stars   1980/15/87m

“What happens when your psychiatrist goes out of his mind?”

Director: John Huston / Writers: Ronald Shusett, Gary Sherman, Lew Lehman, Jimmy Sangster & Peter Bellwood / Cast: Paul Michael Glaser, Susan Hogan, John Colicos, Patricia Collins, David Bolt, Robert O’Ree, Alexandra Stewart, David Eisner, Lisa Langlois, Marian Waldman, Kenneth Welsh.

Body Count: 6

Thaasophobia is the fear of boredom.

Atychiphobia is the fear of failure.

Thaasophobia + Atychiphobia = 1980 horror movie Phobia.

If you can buy the concept that John Huston – JOHN HUSTON!!! – directed this miserably disappointing Canadian flick that barely got released, then you can buy freakin’ Starsky as a shrink who experiments on a group of ex-cons with varying phobias – two of whom would make up members of the Crawford Top Ten in Happy Birthday to Me the following year.

When the agoraphobic member of the programme is blown up in the doc’s apartment, suspicion falls on her fellow patients that one of them was intending to kill him instead.

Predictably, the other members of the group start dying in increasingly suspect ways, of course relating to their respective fears: One is drowned, another squashed by an elevator, and a third bitten by a snake.

Solving the mystery isn’t hard (‘specially thanks to the tagline), with the most ‘likely’ perps out of the way, there aren’t many other avenues to explore and the climax fizzles out with a boring revelation and a motive, which will leave the audience needing more therapy than any of the patients ever did.

Attempts to make the characters slightly more dimensional than contemporary horror films of the time are never followed through, resulting in a bunch of people we don’t really understand, much less care about. Phobia is one of those above-its-station efforts that thinks its not a slasher film and so contains less blood than your average pebble.

Quite deservedly, it tanked at the movies – even in the big horror year of 1980 – teaching Huston to steer clear for a while.

For a better example of the hoards of “ironic” death-by-phobia films, try Boogeyman 2. That one, at least, knew what it was and had a bit of grue.

Blurbs-of-interest: Langlois and Eisner were two of the teens who DON’T die in Happy Birthday to Me; Marian Waldman was Mrs Mac in the original Black Christmas.

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Walk this way

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THE HIKE

3 Stars  2011/18/83m

“It’s all about survival.”

Director/Writer: Rupert Bryan / Writer: Ben Loyd-Holmes / Cast: Zara Phythian, Ben Loyd-Holmes, Barbara Nedeljakova, Lisa-Marie Long, Daniel Caren, Jemma Bolt, Stephanie Siadatan, Dominic Lemoignan, Shauna MacDonald, Tamar Hassan.

Body Count: 17

I went to school with cast member Lisa-Marie Long. We had Mrs Perry’s art class together. What’s strange is that she looks almost exactly the same as she did nearly 20 years ago. Freakdom. This made watching her tortured and murdered very bizarre and disturbing.

Anyway, enough of my star connections, The Hike is the offspring of Wilderness, Wolf Creek and most clearly, inspired by The Descent. The bad news is that it’s not as good as any of those.

Army-girl Kate reunites with four gal-pals for a three day sojourn into the woods, somewhere in Britain. They walk, they gossip, they flirt with a trio of rock-climbing guys who (literally) fall in their path. We, however, know something bad is going to happen, because the pre-credits sequence showed us a girl running frantically through the forest, shrieking for help. Those she is with scramble at her command but are quickly subdued by an off-camera something… or somebody.

What makes this type of movie difficult to review as a whole is the ‘big twist’ that’s revealed about half way through. I didn’t see it coming, which is a plus point. It cranks into a different gear and turns into a gritty survivalist flick rather than a straight-down-the-line slasher movie, although the antagonists here are seemingly just as keen on slicing up pretty young women as any Jason or other forest primeval.

So quit reading now if you don’t want to know.

Last chance…

OK, so after one of the girls fails to return from firewood-gathering duties, the others split up to look for her and bump into the men again. They all worry for a bit and then split into groups, some back to the boys camp, some back to the girls, and it’s revealed quite out of the blue that it is the trio of men who are the loonies. They capture, rape and kill women.

The girlier-girls are taken first and it’s up to war-traumatised Kate to save the day, which she does with veritable gusto, chopping, bludgeoning and high-kicking the bad guys until she’s predictably the last woman standing. Of course, to keep the wheels a-turnin’, the last aggressor cannot be felled and he just keeps bouncing back to chase her down.

Fortunately, there’s another interesting twist added on at the end that stretches credibility somewhat, but is good nonetheless and we get the cameo from The Descent‘s Shauna MacDonald.

The UK does grit n’ dirt ordeals very well and The Hike doesn’t hold back on its shadier elements, although it must be pointed out that, for a refreshing change, none of the main female characters get naked. In fact, other than a fleeting glimpse of one of the prelude victims, the only nudity we see is male! Kudos to turning the objectification tables.

This effectively extinguishes some of the accusations of misogyny levelled at the film that I’ve read in a few places. The film is essentially about horrible deeds committed against nubile young women but it’s light on the bloodletting and the audience is certainly on the side of the victims. Once revealed, the male characters are drawn as semi-impotent idiots. We WANT Kate to reap a gruesome revenge on them.

Some of that long awaited reverse sexual objectification in play

Working against the film is a sense of improvised acting. It gets better as it goes but some lines are delivered almost painfully in the first third and, sadly, the leading lady is probably stuck with some of the worst dialogue on offer. Naturalistic it may want to be, but some of the actors over-enunciate to the point of it looking like a drama class camping trip and I’d have thought people would swear a fuck of a lot more if they were in a vicious fight to survive. Or not. Maybe good manners take over?

As a low-bud production, it at least looks great. The photography is top-notch and the camera work makes the most of the remote location, peaking in the scene when Kate runs through the trees brandishing an emergency flare.

I was actually pleasantly surprised by The Hike. The trailer didn’t fill me with anticipatory salivation and for the first half an hour I was wincing every couple of minutes but it crawled from its larva and spread some pretty decent wings. If I ever see Lisa again I’ll be sure to mention her foray into exploitation horror – what actress doesn’t want THAT brought up years after the fact?

Blurbs-of-interest: Tamer Hassan was in Wrong Turn 3; Barbara Nedeljakova was in Hostel: Part II and Children of the Corn: Genesis.

Suicide hurts. But there are worse things.

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DEMONS NEVER DIE

2 Stars  2011/15/90m

“Evil has a new face but whose face is it?”

Director/Writer: Arjun Rose / Cast: Robert Sheehan, Jennie Jacques, Ashley Walters, Jason Maza, Jacob Anderson, Jack Doolan, Shanika Warren-Markland, Femi Oyeniran, Patrick Baladi, Andrew Ellis, Emma Rigby, Reggie Yates, Tulisa Contostavlos.

Body Count: 14

Dire-logue: “Lesbos? That’s not gay – that’s entertainment.”

A few years back, Britain chucked out a little slasher flick called Tormented about nasty school kids being offed by the undead ghost of the boy they all bullied to suicide. I didn’t expect another slasher film from these shores for another few decades but here we are with Demons Never Die, a film that barely registered as being out, let alone was played anywhere for more than a few days…

Now, before we begin, this film was exec produced by Idris Elba (from The Wire, Luther and the wretched Prom Night remake) and also socialite Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. What? I know, right. I saw her on the monorail at Gatwick once. She didn’t look happy. Anyhoo, both of them had the sense not to be in it, although I imagine a cameo by Elba might’ve helped at the box office.

At least with Elba’s name attached, surely there’s going to be something going for it? Well, yes and no. Demons Never Die is without doubt one of the strangest films, let alone slasher films, that I’ve seen in a long, long time. At times I questioned whether my own memory was failing me as things just seemed to happen on screen from nowhere and for no apparent reason.

It begins with a teary Tulisa Constastovalovatolos – she of irredeemably dire ‘urban’ trio N-Dubz and, more recently, the X-Factor judging panel – scribbling the word ‘Murder’ on a refill pad. She makes a call, cries some more, her dad comforts her, goes away, comes back, and finds her dead.

Turns out she was part of a secret club of assorted teens from a London community college who all want to commit suicide for reasons not abundantly clear. They just do. Local cops Reggie Yates (the Radio 1 DJ who always gets chart positions wrong) and ex-So Solid Crewee, Asher D, chalk it up as a suicide and somehow know to start following her friends around.

Crazy cockney Kenny wants to go out with a bang (literally) as a whole group and has a journo-student/lackie following him around with a camera; Archie thinks he loves Jasmine, who questions her own sanity, except when she’s attacked by a knife-toting masked loon. Then there’s stoner Cain, overweight loner James, and two others who don’t seem to have any problems whatsoever.

Another member – and Hollyoaks cast member – of the club is stabbed to death and, somehow, this is also thought to be self-murder. Archie and Jasmine have sex. The other four lesser characters do some drugs and decide life IS worth living after all and everyone drops out of the suicide pact, much to Kenny’s annoyance, who so decides to shoot them all at an upcoming party.

If I was beginning to frown before, at this juncture my entire head was creased in such a mask of disbelief as I scratched my head and pondered if first-timer Rose was also high while writing this. The actions and motivations of everybody in the whole film makes no sense: The group was so candid about their wishes to die and then seemingly object when someone shows up to help them out. Then, in the blink of an eye, they decide to live after all. The cops (all two of them) don’t seem to detect any homicidal elements in the growing pattern of stabbings, even when one of the teachers and his missus are offed in their home.

Fortunately, things pick up a little at the party. Of course, this happens at a big house in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by woodland (in London!?). The loon shows, stabs some people, and cuts the power, sending most of the partygoers home. This whole setup seems to lead to a future Ridiculous Scene O’ the Month:

  • Party hostess leaves group of friends to get a drink.
  • Party hostess finds dead body in kitchen.
  • Party hostess runs away screaming STRAIGHT PAST the group of teenagers and outside to the trees.
  • Party hostess hides behind a tree and watches her friends leave without summoning help.
  • Party hostess eventually decides to call out and is knifed before she can utter a word.

It comes down to Archie and Jasmine. The lights are out but they find some nightvision cameras! Wow! What were the odds? The film turns into The Blair Witch Project for the next five minutes until it seems the killer has struck again and Jasmine hobbles outside for help… Reveal time.

I wouldn’t be lying if I said I hadn’t guessed the killer’s identity. But neither will you. It’s just so… random. But in some strange way I was pleased it turned out to be who it did. Their motive was clear as mud, something to do with “wherever there’s pain there are demons,” and a hint that they were filming the killings to sell on to other sickos.

Demons Never Die is a cliche-fest by its slasher metric, pilfering much from the Scream movies: The knifings are seldom gory and the weapon of choice always makes that ‘shing’ sound whenever it’s moved, regardless of what it’s in contact with. The ‘urban’ flavourings are also riddled with stereotypical dialogue and it renders the characters hollow and unsympathetic. The fact that they WANT to die also vaccuums out all available tension: Why root for them to survive if they don’t want to?

Even worse, the most repugnant of the characters isn’t even afforded an on-camera death! The most squandered opportunity since Wendy’s axe-to-the-head was elided in Prom Night (that’s the superior original, Idris).

The topic of suicide is sloppily handled with no real duty-of-care. At least Heathers had the sense to parody the trend; here it’s nothing more than a plot device to tie together a Breakfast Club-esque cross section of college kids. None of these people would socialise in reality, yet we’re expected to believe they all belong to a serious mini-movement that condones ‘trendy’ suicide? It plays a bit irresponsibly in this regard.

That said, I wasn’t bored watching Demons Never Die, I was mainly confused but nevertheless entertained in the way you are watching an episode of Glee: it’s shite but they might do a genial cover version any second now.

It’s important to note that the film was shot in just 18 days on less than £100,000, so to look as polished as it does is quite the impressive feat. The acting isn’t bad either, though some of the players look a tad confused as to what their role is. Brit-grit just doesn’t translate to the genre very well; Tormented had the sense to poke fun at the ridiculousness of its setup and Wilderness pretty much replicated the American model of stranding the cast of an island beyond help.

I would recommend the film only to fellow genre dorks and perhaps fans of some of the players (or those who wish to see them impaled in some way) but it writes itself out of the equation in almost every other conceivable way.

Blurbs-of-interest: Jacob Anderson later turned up in not-too-disimilar “urban slasha” film Comedown; Patrick Baladi was later in The Windmill Massacre.

The Drekfast Club

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DETENTION

2 Stars  2010/15/81m

“Staying after school can be murder!”

Director: James D.R. Hickox / Writers: John Stienfield, Michael Muscal, Stephen L. Johnston & James Hickox / Cast: Alexa Jago, Preston Jones, Maitland McConnell, David Carradine, Zelda Williams, Michael Mitchell, Anthony Chute, Jonathan ‘Lil J’ McDaniel, Katie Condidorio, Thomas Calabro.

Body Count: 9

Dire-logue: “Oh my God, they’re gonna find our skeletons in twenty years and make a cheesy mini-series about us.”

According to the IMDb, the opening weekend gross for this $2.15million budgeted flick was $190. No additional zeroes. One-hundred-and-ninety dollars. I hope for the sake of everyone involved that it played in one tiny movie house for one showing on a rainy Tuesday morning.

Actually, why should I care? It’s not like Detention has anything going for it. Starting in 1976, a group of high schoolers play a prank on dorky Gabriel, which culminates with him being burned alive in a furnace. To death. Burned alive to death.

Thirty-whatever years later, seven archetypal school kids in detention – rich girl, goth girl, nerd, bad boy, stoner and a couple of ‘normal’ ones – encounter the flying ghost of Gabriel, released when lightning strikes the furnace during an unseasonable storm. The teacher disappears, the kids break out, play around, flirt, some get killed by the ghost, others by a teen possessed, then there’s some nonsensical ending about a corporeal ghost blah, blah, blah… Turns out all seven are the children of the pranksters from the prologue but it’s never explained why they and only they end up in detention.

Detention is awfully made: I’d hazard a guess most of the budget was lost on getting the late David Carradine to cameo as the principal. The CGI effects work is genuinely among the worst I’ve ever seen and the never ending storm just looks tacky. Even the rain seems to have been added in post production.

A good turn by Mitchell raises proceedings slightly but nothing else that happens is of any surprise to anyone not starring in the film. The two ‘good kids’ are predictably the only ones left standing at the end and the person with the British accent is, of course, evil. Loads of motifs are lifted from Asian ghost-girl horror and thoughtlessly welded to the slasher opus, leaving the film to slip in the gap between genres.

They might consider playing this movie during high school detention to compound the punishment.

det2a

Blurbs-of-interest: Hickox also directed Children of the Corn III; Carradine starred in Children of the Corn V and Fall Down Dead;  Maitland McConnell was in Killer Movie.

Care bear / Scare bear

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GIRLS NITE OUT

2.5 Stars  1982/18/93m

“The next time you go to a fancy dress party… Check who’s going with you.”

A.k.a. The Scaremaker

Director: Robert Deubel / Writers: Joe Bolster, Anthony N. Gurvis, Kevin Kurgis & Gil Spencer Jr. / Cast: Hal Holbrook, Julie Montgomery, James Carroll, Suzanne Barnes, Rutanya Alda, Lauren-Marie Taylor, Lois Robbins, Matthew Dunn, Laura Summer, Carrick Glenn, Larry Mintz, Susan Pitts, David Holbrook, Matt McChesney.

Body Count: 9

Dire-logue: “My daughter was about your age. Then she met a guy like you. Now she’s dead.”

Every American college campus was apparently once the scene of an awful murder XX years before. Some believe it to be an urban legend (like the one at Pendleton University in, uh, Urban Legend), while others believe that it really, like, TOTALLY happened!

In Girls Nite Out, shot in ’82 as The Scaremaker, shelved for two years and then picked up and rebranded with an emphasis on the film’s more misogynistic undertones, the grisly murder that occurred on Dewitt University campus happened to security guard Hal Holbrook’s daughter.

The institutionalised loon responsible, Dickie Cavanaugh, hangs himself at the beginning of the movie and the two schmucks charged with burying him are smacked to death with a shovel by a shady assailant.

Action shifts to hi-jinks on campus. And by action, I mean a basketball game, lots of talking between the interchangeable teen characters, made up of the guys on the team and their respective girlfriends. There’s a lot of cheating going on. Lynn (Montgomery) is dating Teddy, but he’s actually sleeping with Dawn, who’s supposed to be going out with Bud. Sheila wants to ditch Pryor (David Holbrook, Hal’s junior) and hook up with Benson, the team mascot who prances round in a bear costume.

All of these revelations are quite boring. Get to the killing already.

The cast may be big, but only 3 in this photo get bear-clawed

There’s to be a cheerleader scavenger hunt after the post-game party, with clues being blurted out over the college  radio station. The kids flit about, flirting, talking about their emotions n’ stuff. Hal Holbrook crops up a few times. The perky waitress in the cafeteria comforts all those who are sad about their lives blah blah blah.

All of this is boring too. C’mon… more killing needed.

The party happens. Pryor makes a big scene when he sees Sheila and Benson necking, calls all girls whores and says he won’t forget it. Benson is then killed (yay!!!) but it’s dull and almost bloodless. The hissing killer snatches the bear costume and renders a claw out of some knives taped together around a handle. It’s the proto-Krueger!

See how easy it is to make:

gno-claw3

The killer bear mascot finally starts slashing cheerleaders, tackling them and grunting “bitch! slut! whore!” while they shriek and hemorrhage red paint. These scenes are efficiently creepy in slasher movie terms but it’s difficult to take a loon in a teddybear costume seriously, especially as he growls his misogynistic insults to his dying nubile girlies.

In a strange twist for a slasher flick, the murders are discovered and Girls Nite Out crowbars in a little cops-interview-suspects scene where all the basketball boys say “you don’t think I have anything to do with this, do you?” Then, almost as an afterthought, Dawn re-enters the film and finds herself captured by the killer; Teddy goes to her rescue while Lynn calls for help. Hal Holbrook shows up and confronts the killer, who is nobody we really suspected and the film’s only decent revelation.

Girls Nite Out is a slow, muddled flick with no real conscious direction to it. The slashing part is well done and the bear is, if nothing else, different. But with so much time spent on the dull lives of the students, there’s next to no payoff for most of them. Julie Montgomery, despite getting top billing, is not a final girl. She may not die, but she’s never in any danger either. The basketball team is comprised of a bunch of assholes, most of whom should die but don’t.

Holbrook reportedly only shot for one day, uttering reactive lines to the camera and not featuring in scenes with any other cast members, which explains his entire lack of interest when the killer confesses to murdering his daughter rather than the deceased Dickie Cavanaugh.

The final shot has a creepy sub-Sleepaway Camp vibe to it, negated by the fact that the film just stops abruptly with several issues unresolved. It’s understandable why the movie was shelved for two years; it tries hard and looks good but fizzles out in a confusion of genre priorities.

I wanted to like Girls Nite Out more than when I last saw it twelve (!) years ago. And I did, but only half-a-star more. There’s only so much Yummy, Yummy, Yummy I’ve Got Love in My Tummy I can take.

Blurbs-of-interest: Rutanya Alda was also in When a Stranger Calls (1979) and You Better Watch Out as well as Amityville II and The Dark Half; Lauren-Marie Taylor was Vickie in Friday the 13th Part 2; Carrick Glenn was Sally in The Burning.

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