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Absurdsworth

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AbsurdVHS-2ABSURD

3 Stars  1981/X/90m

A.k.a. Anthropophagous II; The Grim Reaper 2; Horrible; Monster Hunter

Director: Joe D’Amato [as Peter Newton] / Writer: George Eastman [as John Cart] / Cast: George Eastman, Katya Berger, Annie Belle, Charles Borromel, Edmund Purdom, Hanja Kochansky, Ian Danby, Kasimir Berger.

Body Count: 7

Dire-logue: “I’m no doctor, but that doesn’t look good.”

An as-yet un-re-submitted (!) resident of the infamous Video Nasties List of the early 80s, this sort-of sequel to the crappy Grim Reaper takes a lot of cues from Halloween, stirs in lashings of gore, and is therefore about 642% better than its predecessor.

Eastman is the beardy-loon on the run from Purdom’s priest Pleasence-clone when he is injured atop a spiked gate at the home of the “all-American” Bennett family: mom, dad, aggressively punchable brat-of-a-son Willy, and paralysed teenage sister Katya, who is confined to a cot-contraption upstairs until she can summon the strength to walk again. You can guess what’s coming later.

Beardy-loon is rushed to hospital where the doctors working on him comment that it’s “absurd” how his body repairs itself against the laws of science. He later wakes up and thanks the staff by driving a drill through the temple of a nurse and then feeding some other poor idiot’s bald head into a saw.

Naturally, he gravitates back to the Bennett house and does away with the stand-in babysitter before going after poor Katya and the replacement babysitter. All the while, Willy stands around like a tool and whines about things as everybody watching hopes that the reason this film found its way on to the Video Nasties List is because it did away with the insufferable little prick with extreme prejudice.

Alas, it doesn’t come to be. But Absurd is full of gratuitous violence all the same: the first two kills are the most splatterific, and things DO get tense towards the end as Katya – as we suspected – finds that inner strength to hobble around and takes on the maniac with a compass of all things and a game of hide and seek ensues.

Of all the Halloween Xeroxes out there, it’s certainly one of the most obvious, full of “I’ll go look, you stay here” dialogue, but it does pack some interesting moments, including a funny final shot, rendering it a fair retread through familiar surroundings and a mini Holy Grail for gorehounds and masochists who like to endure the presence of bad child actors who won’t fucking die.

Look out for Stagefright director Michele Soavi as the young biker victim.

Blurbs-of-interest: Purdom was also in Pieces and Don’t Open Til Christmas (which he also directed some of); Soavi also acted in A Blade in the Dark.

The Horror Calendar of Doooooom

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It’s February 29th. It comes but once every four years. And nobody’s written a horror movie about it. It could be about a killer who returns every fourth year to kill teenagers. For some reason.

But if that was so, would it be safe on any day of the year? Ever? No. Any road trip or camping vacation can end in gruesome death by sharp things. Other days are, thankfully, easily avoidable.

See?

(I must say I’m proud of that turkey)

January is usually death-free by proxy, unless you go skiing, like in Cold Prey, Iced, or Shredder. It’s a Certain-Death free month.

But February… Ugh.

There’s the HELL of Valentine’s Day, heavy contributing factor to any number of senseless massacres. There are the spurned suitors whose romantic gestures should be taken seriously indeed: There’s Jeremy Melton in Valentine, who waited years to wreak his stabby revenge on the quartet of girls who refused to dance with him. Oooh.

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Then little Harold from X-Ray (a.k.a. Be My Valentine… Or Else) whose card to Susan was laughed at, prompting him to hang her brother and then go on a killing spree at a hospital twenty-odd years later when she happens to check in.

It’s advisable not to party too hard either, as it could easily be crashed by a pick-axe toting miner whose homicidal predilection is kick-started by candy boxes, paper hearts and happy youngsters. This happens in My Bloody Valentine. And My Bloody Valentine 3D as well.

March is another chancey month but no sooner is it over than you reach April 1st – a day of pranks and jokes, some of which can upset people to the point of murderous vengeance…

Do not arrange upscale, multi-level, humiliation-based pranks on smart nerds. They WILL formulate an intricate revenge plot and kill you all in gruesome ways. Hey, it happened in Slaughter High.

Even getting away from it all for your Spring Break could end badly. Rich friends with island homes might not be as safe as you once thought. Muffy St. John made that untakebackable error in April Fool’s Day.

Or you might vacation in the wrong place. If you’re not stalked by a psychotic motorcyclist at the beach in Welcome to Spring Break or a loony friend in Do You Wanna Know a Secret?, or a reanimated voodoo scarecrow, you’ll get devoured by crummy looking 3D Piranha‘s in Nevada or be run off the road driving home a là Jeepers Creepers.

A lot of American high school hold their senior proms around May, which means that there’s a heightened chance of somebody from the past coming back to take revenge for some years-old incident that probably left a good few people dead. It’s happened twice in history: Prom Night and, uh, Prom Night. A supernatural variant of this may involve the ghost of a dead prom queen returning to kill people. This happened in Prom Night‘s II and III. Skipping your prom for a private party is also inadvisable, see Prom Night IV: Deliver Us From Evil.

Come June, seniors will celebrate Graduation Day; their step from adolescence into adulthood. Take care, this joyous day could be thwarted by another killer with a grudge to settle. Finishing college can also be murder, evidenced by the girls who live at The House on Sorority Row and its redux, Sorority Row.

June is also dangerous if the 13th day happens to fall on a Friday. This being the birth date of a scary super-killer means that a Friday the 13th in June – or indeed any of the summer months – is a good time to stay at home while your friends go camping. Don’t go to camp if there’s a Friday the 13th either.

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Independence Day falls on the 4th of July. Remain patriotic or Uncle Sam might get you. Additionally, any accidents you have should be duly reported and the accountable parties before you ruin your year and receive a threatening note the following annum that says I Know What You Did Last Summer, because that’ll ruin the next few July 4th’s as well.

It’s back to school or college in September, which means pledge week, Rush Week, or whatever it’s called regionally. There’ll be all manner of initiations and hazings. For hell week, particularly Hell Night, avoid creepy old houses. Shopping malls too, as seen in The Initiation, can be dangerous places when there’s a loon on the loose. Sororities seem to be more dangerous than frat houses; Pledge Night and Happy Hell Night are small exceptions to this rule. Blood Sisters made the error of hazing in an old whorehouse and the girls of Sorority House Massacre didn’t even get the chance to take on any new pledges.

October might well begin with the as-yet un-blood-drenched homecoming (that is, until, Jake Helgren’s Bloody Homecoming is unleashed sometime this year) but soon brings forth all manner of ghoulish wrongdoings in the run up to Halloween, as shown in all the sequels as well as Hack-O-Lantern, The Hollow, Jack-O, Dark Walker, Halloween Night and various other time-stamped horror fests.

November brings Thanksgiving and with it mucho meat-carvery, as seen in Home Sweet Home.

Finally, the year rounds out with the festive season, but that features a tide of Killer Santas and Yuletide-hating psychos who punish anyone who’s naughty: You’ve made it through Halloween – now try to survive Christmas!

True words. See Silent Night, Deadly Night (all parts), Silent Night, Bloody Night, You Better Watch Out! (Christmas Evil), Santa’s Slay, Santa Claws, Christmas Season Massacre, Black Christmas and its remake, Don’t Open ‘Til Christmas, A Deadly Little Christmas and oodles of others all gift-wrapped in entrails.

The final night of the year, the stepping stone into the next year, it’s time to celebrate but watch out for New Year’s Evil, in which a psycho offs a broad for every midnight in the time zones of the US.

So, there you have it – the year is rife with deadly threats and even outside of those easily-avoidable dates, there are plenty of birthdays, parties, pranks and faux pas’ that can end in Death! Death! Death! for teens everywhere!

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Stick to what you know. Or die.

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Some people just want a bigger slice of the pie. Unsatisfied with their singing careers, many artistes appear in a few music videos and suddenly think they’re the next Streep or Caine. So we get Beyoncé in Austin Powers, Justin Timberlake trying to be an action hero in the crappy In Time and Alanis Morissette playing GOD in Dogma!

So it was no surprise to anyone that, during the 90s horror resurgence, a few of these Prima Donnas thought they could kick it with the big boys and headline a slasher flick. Some did alright, agreeably dying in accordance with the audience’s wishes, while others thought their acting talents earned them the lead role. Poor deluded things…

Let’s take a look at who ruined what:

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LL Cool J as Ronnie the security guard in Halloween H20

Who hell he? Rapper James Todd Smith started his career way back in 1985 and has since released 11 studio albums, featured as a guest rapper on a gazillion tracks and, surprisingly, carved out quite the respectable screen career, presently starring in NCIS: Los Angeles.

In the midst of horror: LL donned the usually doomed role of security guard at a California prep school where Jamie Lee Curtis was the headmistress. Unusually, he brought a charm to the role few other names on this list could dream of (not least Busta Rhymes who almost single-handedly destroyed the next film in the series).

He later pulled the rug of credibility out from under himself in a naff role in Deep Blue Sea the following year (for which he also contributed a dire theme song) and returned to slasherdom in Mindhunters in 2004.

Eventual Fate: Survives despite being shot.

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Tatyana Ali as Monica in The Clown at Midnight

Who hell she? Former Fresh Prince of Bel-Air cast member and short-lived career singer Ali scored a big hit by duetting with series brethren Will Smith before seemingly being sucked into the career ether.

In the midst of horror: Ali cropped up as the sassy best-friend-of-heroine in this Canadian Scream knock-off, where a group of high school theater club kids are tormented by a psychotic but not remotely scary clown.

Eventual Fate: Skewered with a spear that she almost spins 360s around. But doesn’t.

brandy-isk2Brandy as Karla in I Still  Know What You Did Last Summer

Who hell she? Brandy Norwood – who I had confused with Aaliyah for several years – had already headlined her own kids show, Moesha, for a couple of years and scored some gentile RnB chart hits, including this one featuring LL Cool J – hmmm. The only ones I know were Sittin’ Up in my Room from Waiting to Exhale and The Boy is Mine with genre clone Monica.

In the midst of horror: Brandy signed on to play the sassy best-friend-of-heroine in the cliché ridden killer fisherman sequel to the surprise 1997 hit. For the role, Brandy had to lip-sync (something I don’t doubt she was used to) her screams, so’s not to damage that precious voice… To be fair, she does ok with some godawful dialogue and has a cool chase scene.

Eventual Fate: Staggers from the wreckage at the last second after we all hoped believed she was dead.

kylie-cut2aKylie Minogue as Hilary Jacobs in Cut

Who hell she? Pint-sized pop princess and international gay icon Kylie made her screen debut in cult Australian soap Neighbours before becoming one of the most successful artists on the planet, notching up 45 Top 20 hits in the UK between 1988 and 2011.

In the midst of horror: For her Drew Barrymore-esque cameo in Aussie comic-horror Cut, she appeared for all of five minutes as the tyrannical director of a low-budget horror film, Hot Blooded.

Eventual Fate: First to go, probably to the joy of many she gets her tongue cut out.

snoop-bones2Snoop Dogg as Jimmy Bones in Bones

Who hell he? Pot-smoking LA rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg (later dropping the middle name) has been on the rap scene since the early 90s. Look, I know fuck all about rap. It bores me. He appeared on that Katy Perry track and was in some episodes of Weeds. And played Huggy Bear in the crappy Starsky & Hutch reboot.

In the midst of horror: Dogg rolled up as a killer from beyond the grave in this ghetto Elm Street wannabe, in which a murdered 70s big cheese rises from the dead to take revenge on those who killed him after they turned his beloved burg into a grotty ghetto of sleaze.

Eventual Fate: As the supernatural killer, he’s already dead and possesses daughter Bianca Lawson at the end.

kris-dtox2Kris Kristofferson as Dr Mitchell in D-Tox

Who hell he? Texas folk strummer Kristofferson has never had a single UK chart hit but the weird alliteration of his name alone ensures most people have at the very least heard of him. Folk isn’t my thing either so I can’t tell you shit about his career.

In the midst of horror: KK phoned in a one-dimensional performance as the head shrink at a clinic for burned out cops, where Sylvester Stallone thinks there’s a police-hating serial killer on the prowl. In truth, I can’t remember a whole lot about the film now, only that the identity of the loon was evident from the outset and that a cast containing Charles S. Dutton, Courtney B. Vance, Sean Patrick Flanery and Robert Patrick could be so wasted in a film that virtually bypassed big screens everywhere for a dead future on DVD…

Eventual Fate: Dies, but I can’t remember how.

busta-hr2Busta Rhymes as Freddie Harris in Halloween: Resurrection

Who hell he? I know even less about Busta Rhymes than I do about Snoop Dogg. He sang on that really rubbish Half on a Baby with Mariah Carey and did a ‘song’ that sampled the Psycho theme (blaspheme!).

In the midst of horror: Rhymes, evidently spurned on by – or jealous of – LL Cool J and Snoop Dogg’s horror movie outings, somehow bagged the lead role in what is possibly the most hated film in the Halloween canon (though I actually don’t mind it at all) as a small time entertainment entrepreneur who organises a live webcast from the home of Michael Myers on Halloween night, unaware that the psycho has lived in a tunnel beneath the property for several years and objects to any visitors.

From his ridiculous Kung Fu showdown with Michael to his attempt at playing things cooler than a frozen cucumber, Rhymes is possibly the victim of a crap script. This is, after all, a film that tries to sell to us the idea that Michael Myers was not the guy beheaded at the end of H20. It’s more plausible and likely that he just can’t act.

Eventual Fate: Stabbed about three times but survives. Fuck it.

kelly-fvj2Kelly Rowland as Kia in Freddy vs Jason

Who hell she? One of the ‘other’ members of Destiny’s Child who merely existed under the shadow of the great Beyoncé, future X-Factor mentor and singer of a few half-decent solo hits. I can’t even picture the third girl. Hang on, weren’t there four at the start?

In the midst of horror: Rowland turned up as the sassy best-friend-of-heroine (any one else noticing a theme?) in the long-awaited horror series mash-up. Kia says “girl” a lot and gives mouth-to-mouth to Jason Voorhees, for which he thanks her by slamming her against a tree. However, Rowland reportedly ad-libbed “faggot” as an insult against Freddy, which dropped her credibility through the floor in my book.

Eventual Fate: Machete sling into a nearby tree.

paris-wax2Paris Hilton as Paige in House of Wax

Who hell she? Before House of Wax, I was one of approximately six people on the planet who didn’t really know who Paris Hilton was. Everyone seemed to hate her. Apparently, the hotel chain heiress-slash-socialite is one of those famous-for-being-famous dollies who had a few ‘reality’ TV shows and squawked out a heavily auto-tuned album in 2006, which spawned the worldwide hit Stars Are Blind. She sings like she’s stoned.

In the midst of horror: The American marketing for this remake played heavily on Hilton’s character’s fate: See Paris Hilton Die! squawked the trailers. So divisive her star-status that it would have started a riot had she been cast as the final girl. Strangely, this was not Hilton’s first foray into slasher cinema, having already been offed in rubbish British ghost-horror Nine Lives. In Wax, she does okay with the role of best-friend-of-heroine (though for once, white!).

Eventual Fate: After an admittedly impressive chase scene, Paige gets a rusty old pole right through the head.

bonjovi-wolf2Jon Bon Jovi as Rich Walker in Cry_Wolf

Who hell he? “Ohhhh we’re halfway there…!” Leading man of supremo 80s hair metal rockers Bon Jovi, JBJ has enjoyed enormous global success with the band, turning out hits pretty much solidly for a quarter of a century. Everyone loves at least one Bon Jovi song.

In the midst of horror: Would you learn anything if Bon Jovi was YOUR teacher? No? Neither do any of the cast members in this cheat of a film, set at a snobby prep school where the students start a rumour about a campus cruising killer that backfires of them, then doesn’t, then does…

JBJ is the media lecturer and more intertwined with events than it at first seems. He says teacherly things, wears glasses and boring clothes and generally makes no impression whatsoever. But the film’s crap so who cares?

Eventual Fate: Shot dead because he’s the killer. No, wait! He isn’t! Is he? Fuck it, I have no clue what’s going on. Dies.

tulisa-dnd2Tulisa Contostavlos as Amber in Demons Never Die

Who hell she? One third of unspeakably dreadful UK ‘urban’ group N-Dubz, who, despite being a vacuum of talent, scored several substantial chart hits, including a number one single. Tulisa then went on to mentor on The X Factor, her girl group Little Mix eventually winning the show. Entirely thanks to her, of course.

In the midst of horror: Plays ‘the Drew Barrymore role’ in UK ‘urban’ slasher flick Demons Never Die, which I’ve not yet seen because it flopped so hard at the box office it barely played anywhere, drunkenly staggering its way to DVD in February 2011. Equally repugnant Radio 1 DJ Reggie Yates also features.

Eventual Fate: She dies, but I don’t yet know how.

* * *

What does this teach us? If you’re a black female artist, you have no choice than to play the final girl’s best friend.

Who would you like to see bite it on the big screen? I imagine Justin Beiber would top a few lists. Simon Cowell would be forced to listen to Westlife until his brains bleed out his ears. Eminem could scream like a girl. Victoria Beckham could be force-dieted to death…

The list is endless.

Dire-logue’s Greatest Hits Volume 7: Psycho Babble

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Psycho’s have problems too! They might’ve seen a counsellor who asked them “How does that make you feeeeel?” in two dozen different ways before they flipped and decided the best form of therapy was homicide…

If not, there’s bound to be someone about with some valuable insight into the killer’s problems, the final girl’s repressed issues, or what things are responsible for driving someone insane…

Behold the pop-psychological insights of the slasher realm:

CARVER (2008): “Sometimes we’ve gotta cut ourselves just to make sure we still bleed.”

FINGERPRINTS (2006): “A hair test is the only way to be sure that you’re drug-free!”

HALLOWEEN II (2009): “Bad taste is the petrol that drives the American dream.”

HATCHETMAN (2003): “Mommy taking her clothes off isn’t as bad as hurting people.”

HOME SICK (2007): “When a psychopath can invade the sanctity of your home and bleed all over your furnishings… we’ve fallen on dark days.”

THE HORROR SHOW (1989): “I was working on a theory of pure evil as a form of electromagnetic energy…”

THE LAST HORROR FILM (1983): “Many people believe that repeated viewings of these films is warping the minds of you young people.”

LIGHTHOUSE (1999): “Two words can sum that up: sick fuck.”

MADHOUSE (2003): “Funny that you’d ask a madman if he’s seen anything unusual.”

NINE LIVES (2002): “Tim wouldn’t turn into a psycho killer over a bobble hat!”

PSYCHO BEACH PARTY (2000): “In the past I’ve had little use for you head shrinks: Ink blot tests, ‘I hate my mother’ and all that crap.”

SCREAM (1996): “She realises that teen suicide is out this year and that homicide is a much healthier therepeutic expression.”

SHRIEK IF YOU KNOW WHAT I DID LAST FRIDAY THE 13TH (2000): “I killed my cousin, my heart’s broken and my sister’s dead.”

SHROOMS (2006): “You can’t fuck up what’s already fucked.”

Home is where the horror is

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HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS

4 Stars  1988/18/85m

“Ten years ago HE changed the face of Halloween. Tonight, HE’S BACK.”

Director: Dwight H. Little / Writer: Alan B. McElroy / Cast: Donald Pleasence, Ellie Cornell, Danielle Harris, Beau Starr, Kathleen Kinmont, Sasha Jenson, Michael Pataki, George P. Wilbur.

Body Count: at least 16

Dire-logue: “Jesus ain’t got nothin’ to do with this place!”

If you deduct Halloween III from the equation, Michael Myers’ franchise plays quite beautifully through parts one to six before Dimension pretended half of it had never happened and then the remakes took over. Despite all this meddling, Halloween 4 remains the best film of the series after the original.

Nicely occurring on the tenth anniversary of Michael’s kill-a-thon through Haddonfield, both he and Dr Loomis (again played by Pleasence as a part of his presumed pension plan) survived the explosion at the end of Halloween II and there’s some garb about Myers being a federal patient so his comatose body is carted off somewhere else.

Of course, Michael’s sense of Halloweeny-ness kicks into play and he wakes up, offing the paramedic crew and going on the run. This begs the question – does Michael just ‘deactivate’ on November 1st each year for 364 days? Dr Loomis, ever with the Evil on Two Legs similes, totters off in the direction of Haddonfield to stop the inevitable, whilst everyone else says he’s deranged.

In Haddonfield, Laurie’s orphaned daughter Jamie (Danielle Harris), lives with the Carruthers, her adopted family, and suffers the nasty torment of cruel classmates who like nothing more than to remind her she’s A). an orphan and B). niece of The Boogeyman, despite none of them being old enough to remember “ten years ago.”

Jamie is also tormented by The Nightmare Man. In Halloween 5 it’s established that she has a psychic connection to Michael. Her half-sister Rachel (Cornell) is having boy trouble and reluctantly has to babysit Jamie on Halloween Night, thwarting her plans with all-American jock Brady, who instead calls on the Sheriff’s slutty daughter Kelly for his happies.

Meanwhile, Loomis crashes into the cop shop shrieking that Michael is coming back after encountering him at a rundown gas station on route. The police don’t take any chances and begin to search for Jamie, hoping to get to her before her uncle does.

In spite of appearing as a reaction to the success of the Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street franchises, Halloween 4 is a remarkably restrained, almost mature affair. Bloodletting is minimal in favour of creating a similar tension to the ’78 original, with many of the 16 plus kills occurring off screen.

While that can never be recreated, Halloween 4 succeeds in coughing up some excellent scenarios, most notably the rooftop chase, where Rachel and Jamie escape from Michael for the 43rd time by climbing on to the roof of a two storey townhouse. It’s a simple yet effective scene, keying on the dangers of scrambling away from a psychotic maniac and not falling to their deaths simultaneously.

Tossing in a group of gun-toting rednecks anxious to avoid a repeat of “ten years ago” (the number of times they say this evades me, but it’s fair to say the residents go on about it a fair bit, as you would), Michael has apparently achieved the ability of teleportation in his decade off, appearing right where he needs to be at the right time, from the power station to cause a town-wide blackout to the underside of the very truck Jamie and Rachel escape in.

So it’s stupid at times, but what slasher franchise isn’t? Halloween 4 is still better than most just in terms of its production and reluctance to resort to cheap thrills to resurrect the series. Its shock ending grinds uncomfortably with how the next film begins, concerning the link between uncle and niece and they never really state why Michael is so hellbent on killing his entire family… What’s that about?

A solid production, arguably the thinking man’s alternative to the really cheap end of the market, recapturing as best possible the spirit of the flawless original. It’s just a shame that they got greedy as the series went on, because a few more sequels like this would’ve been awesome.

Blurbs-of-interest: Pleasence, Cornell, Harris and Starr all returned for Halloween 5; George P. Wilbur returned to play Michael again in Halloween 6; Danielle Harris was also Annie in the 2007 remake and it’s 2009 sequel and featured in Urban Legend, Blood Night, ChromeSkull: Laid to Rest 2, Hatchet‘s II and III; and Natty Knocks; Kathleen Kinmont was in Rush Week; Michael Pataki was in Graduation Day and Sweet Sixteen; Pleasence was also in Alone in the Dark and Phenomena; the wacky priest who gives Loomis a ride (Carmen Filpi) was also in 10 to Midnight; the female nurse at the start was one of the doomed toy store employees in Silent Night Deadly Night. Dwight H. Little directed Robert Englund and Jill Schoelen in the slashy version of The Phantom of the Opera in 1989; writer McElroy also wrote Wrong Turn and its 2021 reboot.

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