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Wish Upon A Bull’s Cock

February 23, 2019 Hud 2 comments

WISHCRAFT

2001/18/98m

“Be careful what you wish for.”

Director: Danny Graves / Writer: Larry Katz / Cast: Michael Weston, Alexandra Holden, A.J. Buckley, Huntley Ritter, Austin Pendleton, Michael Aday, Charlie Talbert, Sara Downing, Evan Jones, Sam McMurray, Zelda Rubinstein.

Body Count: 7

The rare feel-good slasher flick. This whimsical little fantasy presents high school geek Brett Bumpers (Weston) with an enchanted bull’s dick that promises to grant the recipient three wishes, courtesy of an anonymous sender.

Naturally, as any straight teenage boy would, Brett wishes for popular cheerleader Samantha to go to an upcoming school dance with him. Bing! It happens. However, in a world of equals and opposites, classmates of his begin falling victim to a cloaked, skull-masked psycho. Jerk jocks and babes with ‘tude are showing up decapitated, bowled-to-death, and hanged while Meat Loaf’s homicide detective – yes, really – tries to work out who’s doing it.

Brett, meanwhile, ups the ante and wishes Samantha to fall in love with him. Bing! It happens. Although this time, it angers her quarterback boyfriend Cody, and drives a wedge between Brett and his best bud Howie, who informs him that the love isn’t real if Samantha is just under a mystical spell. As Brett tries to ignore all the “she’s with him!?” stares in school, the killings continue.

Eventually, Brett decides to do the right thing and undo his previous wish, but is thwarted when Cody and pals turn up to beat the shit out of him, instead encountering the killer, who has come to finish up and reveal their identity to Brett – and also scold him for wasting his wishes the way he has – in a fun exposition scene. Although by this point their identity is kinda obvious.

Wishcraft is something of an anomaly in the world of teen horror, with a slasher plot playing as the backdrop to standard teen comedy/romance, rather than the other way around. There’s a great scene where Howie appropriates the totem and wishes to become a Tommy Lee-level bad-ass, only for it to fail completely.

In spite of this direction, it stands out thanks to nicely realised characters, and a lightheartedness seldom seen in the vicinity of a bodycount. That the nasty bullies are all boys is a welcome change to the occasionally uncomfortable ‘blame girls’ perspective a significant amount of teen slashers choose.

Slasher addicts may feel shortchanged by the rather low-level horror antics, but after several hundred films, this at least has something to remember it by.

Blurbs-of-interest: Michael Weston was in Cherry Falls; Meat Loaf (Aday) was later in ropey musical slasher movie Stage Fright; Sara Dorwning was in the Toolbox Murders remake; Zelda Rubinstein was in Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon.

Reviews

Hatchet: H10

January 19, 2019 Hud 3 comments

VICTOR CROWLEY

2017/18/80m

A.k.a. Hatchet 4

“Return to his swamp.”

Director/Writer: Adam Green / Cast: Parry Shen, Kane Hodder, Laura Ortiz, Dave Sheridan, Krystal Joy Brown, Felissa Rose, Brian Quinn, Tiffany Shepis, Chase Williamson, Katie Booth, Tyler Mane, Danielle Harris.

Body Count: 16

Laughter Lines: “The guy’s so full of shit, he could open a shit restaurant with… shit.”

The Hatchet series and I aren’t the best of buddies: The first one was so-so, the second one an enjoyable improvement (not least because I was sat just a few feet from the leading cast members and Adam Green where it was screened), and the less said about the third one the better. So, it was with considerable hesitance I approached the ten year anniversary one, a sort of H20 for much-abused Parry Shen, who, with Kane Hodder, is the only cast member to grace all four instalments.

Adam Green always seems to be bursting with enthusiasm whenever I’ve seen him interviewed at various FrightFest thingies, so I’d hate to not like his output. Fortunately, Victor Crowley is quite possibly the best of the series so far. That’s not to say j’adored every single one of the 80 minutes, but it certainly struck the best balance between grue and LOL moments, which give it an endearing appeal. Its three predecessors had it too, but the wit is sharper this time around.

Andrew Yong (Shen) was the only survivor of the Honey Island Swamp massacre of 2007 (his paramedic role in the third one) and has cashed in where possible and written a book about his experiences. Naturally, various conspiracists think he was the killer and that Victor Crowley is just the same old legend it always was. After appearing on the daytime talk show hosted by his bitchy ex-wife Sabrina (Brown), his walking pharmacy publicist Kathleen (the ever-adorbs Felissa Rose) convinces him to say yes to the offer of $1million to fly over the swamp while they film is reaction to returning there.

Anyone who’s seen Jurassic Park III will know what’s going to happen. The plane crashes, killing some of those aboard, and stranding the rest right in the spot where Crowley prowled and, thanks to a young filmmaker, is resurrected after the voodoo curse that brought him back before is inadvertently recited via a YouTube clip on someone’s phone.

The remainder of Victor Crowley is a dilemma flick where those stuck inside the slowly sinking fuselage try to work out their escape route without being on the receiving end of an axe, belt-sander (“somebody actually left a belt-sander out here for ten years!”), or their own hand being inserted up their… well, you’ll see. Each and every contrivance gets its own gag to play off the myriad of convenient turns that most slasher flicks take, showcasing Green’s considerable comic timing as a writer (learned from Holliston, no doubt); the film drips with as many jokes as it does body parts and Green is clearly having a ball attending to each and every facet – though the male nudity to equal out the usual T&A excesses was a choice.

Where to go from here? Given the mid-credits scene, we could well be seeing a fifth film before too long, but how many more horror faces can Green possibly knock off? Here we see Tyler Mane, Tiffany Shepis, and Felissa Rose in peril, joining the ranks of Robert Englund, Tony Todd, Caroline Williams, Zach Galligan, John Carl Buechler, Derek Mears, and Josh Leonard. Coming early to the (probable) wave of reunited scream queens and killers a la Halloween is a smart move – perhaps Tobin Bell, Heather Donahue, and some Saw or Final Destination cast members next time?

Blurbs-of-interest: Parry Shen and Tiffany Shepis were both in Dead Scared; Shepis was also in Basement Jack, Bloody Murder 2, Scarecrow, and Home Sick; Dave Sheridan was in Scary Movie; Felissa Rose was Angela in the original Sleepaway Camp and its third sequel, and also was in Camp Dread (with Danielle Harris); Tyler Mane was Michael Myers in both of Rob Zombie’s Halloween films; Danielle Harris was in Halloween‘s 4 and 5, plus both Rob Zombie films, Blood Night, ChromeSkull: Laid to Rest 2, See No Evil 2, Urban Legend, and was an extra in The Town That Dreaded Sundown; Kane Hodder was Jason in Friday the 13th‘s 7–10, and appears in Children of the Corn V, Behind the Mask, and Hack!; Joe Lynch who directed Wrong Turn 2, cameos as one of the pilots (the other is Adam Green).

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Don’t go near The Black Trees!

November 25, 2018 Hud Leave a comment

SCALPS

1983/18/79m

“They came out of the grave… To get REVENGE!”

Director/Writer: Fred Olen Ray / Cast: Jo Ann Robinson, Roger Maycock, Frank McDonald, Richard Hench, Barbara Magnusson, Carol Sue Flockhart, Kirk Alyn, Carroll Borland, Forrest J. Ackerman.

Body Count: 6

Laughter Lines: “Defiling the graves of the dead will only anger their souls!”

Shot for a measly $15,000, possibly surfing the Native American horror trailblazed by Poltergeist, this early Fred Olen Ray flick was re-tooled by the studio and edited into a bit of a nonsensical mess, which frankly drags along at a snail’s pace before the horror begins.

Six students go ahead of their professor to an archeological dig. Actually, I think it was four students and two bitchy, vacuous girlfriends. They’re warned by an ageing Native American man they encounter at a gas station against digging around The Black Trees, a burial area that’s sacred and dangerous to outsiders. But, being a bunch of entitled white folks, they say fuck it and dig there anyway.

The spirit of Black Crow is soon unleashed and one of the group possessed so that he slowly morphs into a Native American monster (or wears a cheapo rubber mask) and goes after the others: Scalping (only one), bashing the brains out of, and shooting arrows into, while goo-girl DJ squeals that they’ve disturbed forces they shouldn’t have.

Scalps is a bad movie by any standard. Shot via several different cameras that give it a choppy look, with day-for-night scenes and a really fuzzy night-for-night scene that lend to it the feel of a snuff movie (the fact that many of the actors never did another film also giving a kind of credence to that), but really it’s just the cheapness of it all.

However, as Ray comments on the DVD interview, there is something about Scalps that’s unsettling, an uncomfortable factor that makes it… not scary per se, just creepy, which is something of an unintentional byproduct of the low-end production values, most notable during the truck murder and the slightly too real rape. The gore FX is also quite well done, a decapitation that harks back to Mrs Voorhees’ grim end and the solitary scalping is pretty gross.

Things end with the promise of Scalps II, which never came to be. Possibly a good thing. The Ghost Dance did it all better.

Blurb-of-interest: Ray later directed Final Examination.

Reviews

Hellraiser Fundraiser

August 17, 2018 Hud Leave a comment

SCREAM PARK

2012/18/81m

“Death is the new attraction.”

Director/Writer: Cary Hill / Cast: Wendy Wygant, Steve Rudzinski, Alicia Marie Marcucci, Kyle Riordan, Tyler Kale, Kailey Marie Harris, Dean Jacobs, Doug Bradley, Nicole Beattie, Brian McDaniel, Ian Lemmon.

Body Count: 10

Laughter Lines: “Sometimes, when I’m here at work, I just fantasize about being crushed in the gears of a ride.”

Be not fooled by that artwork, this cheapo production is littered with issues that plague low-budget filmmaking, but is at least worth a look at for fans of the early, grainy Friday the 13th instalments, which appear to have influenced a fair whack of its aesthetic. Spoilers ensue.

The youthful employees at Fright Land work their final shift before the closure of the park for good, due to low ticket sales. They decide to stick around and have a party, which is soon crashed by a pair of masked lunatics who waste no time in hanging, slashing, and deep-frying them one by one. This is one of the few films where the black guy literally does die first.

Obvious final girl Jennifer is concerned about where her missing boyfriend might be, while dragging the dead weight of the wimpy park manager around everywhere she goes, eventually finding out that the park owner (Hellraiser‘s Doug Bradley) has decided to try and turn around their bad fortunes by staging ‘an incident’ that will drag in the crowds.

Mucho dialogue of the “quit screwing around” variety ensues, and the rather dilapidated look of the park pleasantly echoes Camp Crystal Lake’s grubby, rundown cabins. However, there are sound and visual problems throughout, debuting with the frankly bizarre pagination-from-hell title card:

I mean… why???

Scream Park isn’t a good film, but beyond the low-end presentation and amateur-night performances (the survivor is interviewed by a cop, who finishes talking with her by saying “Thanks – take it easy.” Dude, she just saw eight people die!) there’s some fun to be had – and it’s great to finally see someone go for the eyes after years of shouting at the screen for them to do it!

Blurb-of-interest: Doug Bradley was in Wrong Turn 5.

Reviews

Express Elevator to Hell… going down

May 12, 2018 Hud One comment

BOTCHED

2007/15/91m

“Russian Mafia, insane hostages, twin serial killers… Ritchie Donovan’s luck has run out.”

Director: Kit Ryan / Writers: Derek Boyle, Eamon Friel, Raymond Friel / Cast: Stephen Dorff, Jaime Murray, Bronagh Gallagher, Geoff Bell, Hugh O’Conor, Jamie Foreman, Russell Smith, Sean Pertwee, Norma Sheahan, Gene Rooney, Edward Duly Baker.

Body Count: 10

Laughter Lines: “You have to get the police – various people are trying to kill me.”

Definitely a first for a slasher movie – a virtuoso mix of gore and slapstick comedy, with Dorff as an American grafter caught up in the theft of a sacred Russian artifact. Things descend into chaos when one of his comrades kills somebody and then the thieves and an elevator full of passengers gets stuck on a secret floor in a Moscow building.

Believing the police are on to them, the trio of crap crooks try to bargain their way to freedom with the release of a hostage, who ends up decapitated by a pair of giant shears. It becomes clear that it’s someone other than the cops keeping them at bay – someone with a cache of weaponry, all of it destined to hack, slash, and skewer through the cast.

If this weren’t bad enough, a group of three seemingly nervous religious women decide to take over the situation and turn the tables on the hostages, a jittery journalist joins forces with a wannabe commando security guard, leaving Dorff with a sexy Junior VP (Murray) to go about things the smart way.

The plot makes a few surprising turns as more above the Ivan the Terrible-lite killer and his purpose is revealed, all of it peppered with some great lines, fart gags, and Three Stooges physical comedy, all the while parodying the likes of Hostel with a very British sense of humour. Botched is like nothing you’ve seen before and definitely not for all tastes, but an entertaining hour and half however you cut, hack, or gut it.

Blurbs-of-interest: Sean Pertwee was in Wilderness; Geoff Bell was also in Tormented and Comedown.

Reviews

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