Tag Archives: accents from hell

Shoot first, work out plot later

paintballPAINTBALL

3 Stars  2009/15/86m

“There’s nothing like a brush with death to make you feel alive.”

Director: Daniel Benmayor / Writer: Mario Schoendorff / Cast: Jennifer Matter, Brendan Mackey, Patrick Regis, Iaione Perez, Neil Maskell, Anna Casas, Peter Vives Newey, Claudia Bassols, Felix Pring.

Body Count: 11

Dire-logue: “Look man, we might’ve just met, but right now we need to stick together!”


If you’ve ever been paintballing it’s likely you’ve encountered some the archetypes commonly associated with shooting-things-for-fun. I went a couple of years ago and we beheld the stag-do lads (the groom was made to wear a dress) and the militia wannabes who like to take such things a tad seriously… Needless to say, I was crap as it, succeeding only in eliminating trees from the competition.

In the grand tradition of doing-what-it-says-on-the-box, Paintball is a film about paintball – an obvious development for death-in-the-woods film, but not one that hasn’t been explored before. Jason took out some dorky execs in Friday the 13th Part VI and bachelor-party-boneheads were hunted by a Templar Knight in StagKnight just a couple of years back.

This Spanish film (in English) puts eight international paintball fanatics – four of each gender – into Redball Woods, “Europe’s largest paintball sanctuary” where they’re given 24 hours to capture four flags and annihilate the opposing team. Names are bandied around but with everyone in masks it’s impossible to work out who’s who and all dialogue for now is yelled commands from nominated leader David.

Before long, the team are attacked by someone who has better weapons than they do – including real bullets it seems as one lagging schmuck is quickly killed off. So begins their plight as a largely off-camera hunter picks them off one after the other, watching through night-vision goggles so all the violence is polarised and spurts of blood appear bright white.

At around the halfway point, Paintball does the opposite to what most modern horror flicks do – it gets better instead of worse, escalating steadily towards the interesting climax. The first third was crowded with annoying characters (we had the token fat American guy, the brash sub-Vasquez chick, and the black guy) and had frenetic, near impossible to watch camera work.

However, it soon becomes apparent that we’re not dealing with just another I-hate-people psycho; the killer is under instruction from a group of people with a vested interest in watching people die. Echoes of Battle Royale, Wilderness and now Hostel come together as the final numbers dwindle and the killer rebels and decides to kill his way, leaving last survivor – female, natch – to be ‘adopted’ by the controllers, who shepherd both her and the killer together for a final theatrical confrontation. The winner will be granted freedom…right?

In spite of some nice accents, there’s little European flavour in Paintball: none of the lush photography that made The Orphanage so nice and sod all tension a la Cold Prey and Haute Tension. But there is something good about it, something that might have worked out better if the film were in more experienced hands. As it is, the first third is so dismal that the temptation to turn off was overwhelming. If you can make it to the midway twist, you might enjoy it.

Say It With Pick-Axes

simonSIMON SAYS

2.5 Stars  2006/15/84m

“Time to have some fun.”

Director/Writer: Bill Dear / Cast: Crispin Glover, Margo Harshman, Greg Cipes, Kelly Vitz, Artie Baxter, Carrie Finklea, Bruce Glover, Lori Lynn Lively, Blake Lively, Kelly Blatz.

Body Count: 13

Dire-logue: “You gotta die sometime. May as well be high!”


Familiarity is the mojo of the slasher genre, there’s a certain comfort in consistency, a feeling like you’ve been to these woods before, camped with these campers and all will turn out just as you expect it to. In Simon Says, a quintet of all-American high schoolers drive their VW camper into the woods to pan for gold, have sex, get stoned et cetera. So far, so familiar. It’s very Texas Chainsaw, only this time they don’t pick up the hitcher who, instead, gets slaughtered by a flying pick-axe no sooner than their van disappears around the corner.

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The group stop off for gas n’ eats at the neglected station run by ‘retarded’ Simon and his sharper identical twin bro, Stanley, both of whom are played by professional weirdo Crispin Glover – Young George McFly. He adequately weirds them out and sends them on their way to a local campsite “where the murders took place…” Well, disappearances actually, although we know better thanks to some handy flashbacking.

Before long a new set of murders begins as teens split off from the group, some paint-ballers run afoul of Simon…or Stanley? Dressed as a bush! The pick-axe flavoured kills make use of hundreds of the damn things and, at one point, the number of them flying through the air must go into triple figures as Simon/Stanley unleashes his deadly contraptions that fire them at fleeing teens.

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Numbers dwindle until only the twins’ “dream girl” Kate remains and must unfurl Stanley’s expo of bizarre lines to figure out what the hell has been going on… You’ll fare no better as Simon Says appears to only have the goal of head-fucking the viewer until you’d happily smash your own face into a cannon of pick-axes.

Glover is his dependable strange self, hamming it up with a deep-south ‘I do declare’ accent but the rest of the cast are left with scraps of their identikit characters to work with; Harshman makes for a functional final girl if not one we’re that bothered about, while Cipes is appealing as the stoner with a big heart. Their other friends fill the roles of meathead jock, I-hate-camping valley girl and slutty chick with no complaints, being killed off in a nice and neat order.

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That’s the problem at the core of the film; while it hands us conventionally anodyne characters with one hand, it repeatedly smacks its own forehead with the other at the same time as it puffs pot fumes into our face. It’s that weird. Who’s the bird on the horse? Why is Blake Lively’s name on the cover when she’s in the film for less than three minutes? Is the comedy intentional? Were they stoned? Geez, McFly, straighten this out!!

OK, watch it: try to enjoy the sticky CGI gore effects and Glover’s demented drawl but don’t ask me for an explanation!

Blurbs-of-interest: Glover played Jimmy in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter; Margo Harshman was Chugs in Sorority Row; Carrie Finklea was in both Harvest of Fear and its sequel The Path of Evil; Bruce Glover (Crispin’s dad) was in Night of the Scarecrow.

Ranty Monday: I watched TWILIGHT

Maybe this should be under ‘Today I HATE…’

twilight

Rarely, will you find me taking such a vitriolic stand about a bad film – hey, I liked Jason X – but this… Jesus wept, why has this franchise become so inexplicably popular!? I wouldn’t normally waste precious bandwidth on a non-slasher film but I was kinda angry!

The “story” concerns a girl called Bella, who moves to a new town. Bella is moodiness personified: sullen, glum, dull as the weather in her new town and yet a vegetarian vampire falls in love with her…because he cannot eat her. Other vampires want to eat her, so her love-vamp, Edward, hides her to protect her (God knows why, she’s so damn boring), kills bad vampire. The end.

Vegetarian Vampires? Someone call Buffy… NOW!

So, not only does the “story” in fact feature no story, indeed in a two hour film rarely has so little actually happened, but it’s just so insultingly inoffensive, tip-toeing around issues of sex and violence, raping vampire lore by having them freely wander around in the daylight and observe their own reflections – it’s an absolute affront to be included in the horror genre at all.

A bland, banal, upsettingly sub-mediocre story that has somehow struck gold on the book front, now it’s set to poison the box office too… Pass me a razor, I’m going to need to self-harm if I want to see any excitement.

EDGE OF THE AXE

edgeoftheaxe2.5 Stars  1988/18/87m

“There is nothing silent about nights in Paddock County.”

Director: Joseph Braunstein [Jose Larraz] / Writers: Joaquin Amichatis, Javier Elorrieta & Jose Frade / Cast: Barton Faulks, Christina Marie Lane, Page Moseley, Fred Holliday, Patty Shepard, Alicia Moro, Jack Taylor, May Heatherly, Elmer Modlin, Joy Blackburn, Mark Schmidtke, Allan Larson.

Body Count: 9


A Spanglomerican slasher filled with heavily-accented actors pretending to be small town Americans. As if fitting in isn’t hard enough, there’s an axe-swingin’ madman offing the womenfolk. With the murders given about as much serious attention as localised flu epidemic, the local law enforcement attempt to pass off the obvious slayings as accidents before eventually admitting there’s a psycho on the loose. (“She must have repeatedly fallen on the axe!!”)

Meanwhile, a computer geek called Gerald falls in love with moody Lillian, who thinks the killer is her cuz Charlie, whom she accidentally injured years before. Other useless subplots revolve around Gerald’s gold-digging bud Richard, who wants rid of his wealthy, older wife and cheats on her with another chick – and leaves the story totally unscathed!!!

Several primary victims don’t even get any lines apart from “aaaaarrrggghhh!!!” as the white-masked loon busts through doors at them. They are coded as hookers, gossips and cheats, while the menfolk are nowhere to be seen when the killer puts in another appearance.

Larraz manages to create some tension from time to time but the film peaks with the opening axe ’em up at a car wash and its climax appears slightly skewered once all of the red herrings are eliminated, with a motive so contrived and unlikely – how convenient was it that all the intended victims were so local? It’s better than his sophomore slasher, Savage Lust, though.

Blurbs-of-interest: Page Moseley was in Open House; Jack Taylor was in Pieces.

THE UNDERTOW

undertow1.5 Stars  2003/18/77m

“He’s an unstoppable killing machine!”

Director/Writer: Jeremy Wallace / Cast: Jason Christ, Julie Farrar, Trudy Bequette, Chris Grega, Emily Haack, Robin Garrels, Todd Tevlin, Doc Brown, Joseph Palermo.

Body Count: 12

Dire-logue: “That’s it! Nobody’s ever seeing us again.”


Junky shot-on-video fodder with what appears to be an am-dram group choosing to go camping in the wrong town and ending up on the receiving end of a mongoloid retard’s tantrum.

After the usual stop-and-search scene from an arsey deputy, who pours away all their beer, the “teenagers” begin a river canoe trip and learn from a sympathetic local that the Mayor of Old Mines has convinced the townsfolk that all outsiders are evil and therefore unleashes his son – known only as The Boy – on anyone who lingers too long. On this particular outing, The Boy has had enough of doing what Daddy says and turns on the town as well, offing some irritatingly backward extras before starting on the “teenagers”.

There’s gore-a-plenty in The Undertow, but it’s all a bit sloppy: one guy’s head is squeezed to the point where is brain begins leaking out in mushy chunks and another “teenager” has her innards ripped out and tossed aside like salad. But there’s a good head-on-a-spike that pleasantly echoes the Friday the 13th-wannabes of yore.

Easier to take than a lot of other SOV releases, there’s still a nasty case of crappus dialogus, possibly improvised by the “teenagers” themselves, who favour yelling profanities at each other, gunning down any important information in the verbal crossfire. A couple of nods to better slasher flicks can’t save this at the end of it. Just cross your fingers and hope that open ending doesn’t prompt a change in the tide…

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