Author Archives: chimpy

Son, you’ll be a bachelor boy until your dying day… FYI, that’s today.

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bachelorpartymassBACHELOR PARTY MASSACRE

2 Stars  2006/18/85m

“Everyone’s getting cold feet…”

Director: Schumacker Halpern Overdrive / Writer: Brandon Baker / Cast: Michael Capes, Joshua Breeding, Kate Huffman, Bay Bruner, Lisa Sproul, Zoe Taylor, Jamie Marie, Eric Von Doymi, Kyle Powers.

Body Count: 11

Dire-logue: “Are you fucking letting that bitch stab you?”

Make no mistake, any film called Bachelor Party Massacre is going to be naff. But, surprisingly, things aren’t quite as bad as they probably should be…

Four buddy boys gather together to send their friend Addison off in style. In actuality, this means sitting around in a dingy, abandoned bar, drinking and letching over a couple of strippers they called in. Meanwhile, a poncho-clad schizo chick goes about murdering those who stray from the pack.

Why does she do this? No particular reason. She’s your cookie-cutter escaped loon, nothing more. No feminist subtext to her hobby. Boooo…

While the film is dirt cheap and not especially engaging, there’s an appealing undercurrent of enthusiasm that keeps things ticking along okay, although it runs about ten minutes too long and wouldn’t it have been good if there were a few more guys at the party? How unpopular is Addison?

Eventually, the groom’s fiance and nagging sister-in-law turn up to make sure things haven’t gotten out of hand and the real slashin’ begins, accompanied by some almost funny one-liners. Bride-to-be Lisa finally takes charge and manages to find a sword in the bar (!) and dukes it out with history’s least threatening killer, whom three people run away from as she totters drowsily towards them with only a knife…

Bother if you will, maybe we can prompt “Schumacker Halpern Overdrive” to make a sequel: Bachelor Party Massacre II: The Wedding’s Off!

January Joust: Crap Killers

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Despite film boxes stating otherwise, not every psycho killer can be Jason or Michael. In every trade there are crappy workers – fast food joints, education, social work… We hope that these people realise they’re just not cut out to live their dreams, y’know, like when Simon Cowell stamps all over someones ambition on The X Factor / American Idol*. It’s the same in the slasher realm. No matter how they might try, some killers are doomed to fail…

Big ol’ spoilers loiter hereabouts!

thefinalterrorTHE FINAL TERROR 1981

Killer: Eggar’s Mother

Why so crap? In spite of stalking about a dozen people round the forest for a couple of days, this bush-guised, hook-knife-handed mama only manages to off a measly five of them. Now, five isn’t that bad by comparison, but her methods are pretty crud (tin can lids on tree branches!?) and success rate worse: she can’t even slash Daryl Hannah’s throat effectively. And then she dies by walking into one of her own traps. Duh.

Cowell-ism: “At this stage in the competition, this just isn’t good enough. Do you want to be the next Leon Jackson???”

dangerousgame2aDANGEROUS GAME 1989

Killer: Officer Murphy

Why so crap? Oirish-cop-in-Australia Murphy manages to trap five teenagers in a department store for the best part of their Friday night out, even kidnaps two of them and kills a third. But that’s it. After one murder he flakes and starts blurting that he “didn’t mean it” la la la. Save it for the judge, pal! The spoiled rich teens prove more than a match for him and merrily escape while he staggers off all beaten and bruised.

Cowell-ism: “I honestly expected more from the Irish. I don’t see you as any competition for Westlife.”

*

shriek-if-you-know

SHRIEK IF YOU KNOW WHAT I DID LAST FRIDAY THE 13TH 2000

Killer: Doughy

Why so crap? Aided with gusto by the fact that the film is pretty crap on its own, the killer here, “Doughy” (…groan), fares even worse than Murphy by failing to kill anybody. He’s a wannabe. He shows up, mask, weapon, motive all ready to go and then the intended corpse goes and dies by some freak accident, i.e. fatal bee stings, a handy coronary, or more commonly by tripping over things.

Cowell-ism: “I just didn’t get it. Was it supposed to be funny?”

freak

FREAK 1997

Killer: Keller. Killer-Keller-Killer-Keller-Bo-Fella-Banana-Fo-Fannah-Fella-Keller.

Why so crap? Nine years after starting out the same way as most of these guys do, by offing his nasty mom, “catatonic” Keller-Keller-Bo-Fella escapes whilst being transported to a new hospital and cross paths with a couple of recently orphaned sisters who’re driving to their new home. He kills a grand total of two people before kidnapping the younger sister so that big sis and transport-driver-guy have to come to the rescue. Freak‘s budget is about $3.75 so they probably couldn’t afford extra victims, but the film isn’t so bad otherwise.

Cowell-ism: “Look, I can see you’re trying but this just isn’t good enough, we’re looking for a worldwide star here, the bandage look isn’t working for you.”

berserker

BERSERKER 1987

Killer: Pappy Nyquist

Why so crap? Oh just piss off 1987. What did you do for anyone? Nothing. And take your shit misogynistic horror films with you! Yeah, you too George ‘Buck’ Flower as some freakin’ Viking-bear-thing that shreds campers to death but CAN’T KILL ANY OF THE ANNOYING CAST MEMBERS, JUST THE YOUNG, NUBILE ONES AND SOME OLD PEOPLE!!!

Cowell-ism: “1987? Leona was two by then and already better than you.”

*

thewisher

THE WISHER 2002

Killer: Shane

Why so crap? Another half-assed attempt on behalf of the sappy Emo killer to suck up to horror-fixated heroine Mary by granting her wishes. Her dad dies, her mouthy friend gets her tongue cut out and then she wishes the killer slice himself up – which he does. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Cowell-ism: “My only wish is that you had more talent and I was convincingly heterosexual.”

christmas_evil

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT (Christmas Evil) 1980

Killer: Harry Stadling

Why so crap? If… this… film… were… any… slower… it… would… bore… a… can… of… Red Bull… to… death… After the slowest descent into madness ever recorded on film, toy-worker Harry’s obsession with Christmas (spying on the neighbourhood kids to make sure they’re being good) spills over when he kills a work colleague who disses the season and three people outside a church who laugh at his Santa costume. Then he flies away in a van.

Cowell-ism: “All I want for Christmas is for you to go away so only I can ruin it for everyone by forcing one of my boringly inoffensive contest winners to take a cover version of a song everybody once loved to Number One after I adorn it with a children’s choir and some strings and make everyone who ever gave a shit about the sanctity of musical individuality want to kill themselves.”

WINNER LOSER: The crappest killer ‘award’ goes to Eggar’s Ma. Such opportunity, such a big cast…wasted!

Closing Cowell-ism: “Well, I’m not surprised. Leona could do this in her sleep.”

*delete appropriately to whichever one clogs up your viewing schedule.

Pant-Soiling Scenes #5: JAWS

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By rights, nothing is scarier than Jaws. Being that this particular moment has remained so scary for 35 years is a testament to just how amazing the film is. A lot of old films age gracelessly and look cheesy now (Earthquake, I’m looking at you here…) but Spielberg’s creative pinnacle is undoubtedly one of the most important pieces of film and houses the most frightening opening scene known to man. I give you the demise of Chrissie Watkins…

pss-jawsI wasn’t even alive when this film came out and I’m too scared to go back into the water!

The Day the Laughter Failed to Live, Let Alone Die. Miserably.

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stanhelsingSTAN HELSING: A PARODY

1 Stars  2009/18/87m

“The most feared monsters in cinematic history have met their match…”

Director/Writer: Bo Zenga / Cast: Steve Howey, Diora Baird, Kenan Thompson, Desi Lydic, Ben Cotton, Ken Kirzinger, Leslie Nielsen.

Body Count: 1

Dire-logue: “I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.”

When it came out in 2000, Total Film magazine gave Scary Movie four stars! AND they said a sequel would be great. Thanks, TF, look whatcha did!

Stan Helsing is ‘from the brother-in-law’s former roommate’s dog’s previous owner of the executive producer’ of Scary Movie; that alone should be enough to secure an indictment. It stars Howey as your standard issue movie slacker-cum-stoner, Stan, who works in the videostore Schlockbuster. Are you laughing yet? On Halloween, Stan is charged with delivering some “videos” (which are, in fact, DVDs) to his boss’s mother’s house before he can party with his bud Teddy, ex-girlfriend Nadine and Teddy’s dim-witted date Mia (see Dire-logue). After they get lost, get shot at by gas station hippies and pick up a psychotic hitcher, the gang end up at Stormy Night Estates, where a fire raged ten years back, as explained by Leslie Nielsen’s waitress. Waitress. Yes, he’s in drag.

Stormy Night Estates is tormented by ‘monsters’, who are in fact crap parody renderings of famous movie villains, such as Needlehead, Fweddy, Lucky the doll, Pleatherface, Mason, and Michael Crier. Fuck. Off. Several onlookers think Stan is a descendant of Van Helsing and he and his friends spend 80 minutes running from shit joke to shit joke until they’re forced into a karaoke contest against the monsters, who perform a stupid version of YMCA.

OK, questions: why is Michael Jewish? Why is Fweddy done up like some late-80s rapper? Why is there but one murder of a non-important extra? Who green-lit this movie? It really is a train wreck of a film, made only worse when I learned that ‘Mason’ (Jesus wept…) was played by Ken Kirzinger, who played Jason – yes, Jason – in Freddy vs. Jason. Nothing in this film even flirts with being funny. Hell, it doesn’t enter the club where funny is out having a good time. It’s refused entry, kicked in the ass by security and told never to darken their doors again!

Enough with these shitty parodies, Airplane! was 30 years ago.

Blurbs-of-shame: Diora Baird was in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning; Ben Cotton was in Harper’s Island and Scar 3D, and The Tooth Fairy; Leslie Nielsen was, of course, Principal Hammond in Prom Night; Kirzinger was also in Wrong Turn 2. As well as being part to blame for Scary Movie, Zenga was also an exec producer on Turistas.

The Winner Takes It All

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Those totally cool guys at Evil on Two Legs selected VeVo for these awards, here… The Fantastically Frightening Award, Kreativ Blogger Award, One Lovely Blog Award and the Zombie Chicken Award! Yay, someone actually reads this tripe blog!

fantasticallyfrighteningkreativeblogonelovelyblogThis means I can now (kinda) say that Vegan Voorhees is an award winning blog. More yayage!

In accordance with how the Kreativ Blogger system works, the rules are thus:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the Kreativ Blogger Award logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated

So, 1-3 are done, let’s all marvel at 7 bizarro things about meeeeeeee

1. In spite of being a huge slasher movie fan, I can’t watch footage of operations or hospital shows.

2. I was terrified of Freddy Krueger between the ages of 12 and 19 after somebody showed me Elm Street 3.

3. Aside from this blog, I write a lot of fiction and published my first (short) novel The Beaten Track in October 2009.

4. This one time, I worked at a delicatessen in a large supermarket and I dropped a massive cut of slimy ham on the floor, it rolled under a cage and was black with dirt when I retrieved it and my manager made me rinse it off and put it out for sale!

5. I have two thumbs but only seven fingers – ooooh!

6. I share my birthday with Kathleen Turner and Zoe Saldana.

7. I once won a karaoke contest singing Heaven is a Place on Earth.

That’s done, here are my nominees for further Kreativ Blogging awards:-

Anchorwoman in Peril – wonderfully written by a great bloke!

Final Girl – duh.

I Love Horror – and I love your blog.

Kindertrauma – this was already nommed by EO2L but I’m sending additional love.

Slasher Speak – Vince is a very articulate writer, giving a fresh voice to much of what he writes about.

Zombie Cupcake – another unsung blog I like.

Hysteria Lives! – this isn’t really a blog but Justin’s style of updating isn’t far off… Is this allowed??

zombiechicken…and the Zombie Chicken Award!

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