1992/71m

“It was supposed to be a weekend get-away until the horror began.”

Director/Writer: Michael Mfume / Cast: Michael Mfume, Sandra Pulley, Joe Clair, Racquel Price, Tracy Wiggs, Maria Copper, Kelci Jeter, Greg Jones, Kristine Louisa, Thomas Hunt, Frederick Montgomery, D-Taylor Murphy, Archie Williams.

Body Count: 10 (I think)

Often cited as the worst horror film ever, possibly worst film ever, Ax ‘Em was shot a full ten years before it was finally given a DVD release in 2002. Why this was done is as big a mystery as the events that occur in the film itself. To clue you in to my level, what follows is the title card information at the start – verbatim:

On a cold winter night, in 1990, Mr. Mason, a mean and cruel Towns man, left his job for Home. After arriving home, He took a shotgun And killed his wife and Kids. This is mean man Killed himself. When the police arrived they only Found the bodies of wife, Daughter and younger son. His mentally ill son Harry Was not ever found. Legend has it, he will return In 13 years to revenge his family deaths.

So there you have it, that’s the backstory. It doesn’t seem to matter as whomever the killer is supposed to be, he’s now a middleaged man who grunts a lot. A large group of young African American people go to a house for the weekend. Once there, they eat and find the body of some white guy, then they all run into the forest, some of them run back to the house, some of them die.

It’s futile to try and put into words what watching Ax ‘Em is like. Fortunately, I watched the whole thing on YouTube in 8 segments, all of which presented the film in its grainy, inaudible glory, beginning with some totally unrelated scenes of street dancing and a comic, possibly material that was already on the video cassette supremely untalented director Mfume used to record this film on.

Remembering it is giving me a headache, so here are some funny-slash-unbelievable things that occurred:

• Three people emerge from a broken down car. The two guys walk off for help leaving the girl. The next scene with the main players indicates it’s the next morning. Then we go back to car people, still inconceivably stuck in the previous night. Later, the girl at the car is given a few seconds on screen, inferring she’s been sat there for nearly two days.
• A couple find an abandoned car. The guy says; “Hallelujah it’s a car!” Girl comes back with: “Are you sure it’s a car?’ It’s there, in front of them, on wheels. It’s a car, love.
• This sequence is actually followed by something even more unreal: the girl slaps the guy and he starts saying (repeatedly), “did you just slap me out here in these woods?” finally yelling it loud enough for any prospective psychos to come-a-callin’.
• The killer gently taps a guy on the face with a phone that somehow both kills and leaves a coil attached to his face.
• Other people die seemingly from being too near to the killer, they’re then seen lying on the ground.

Oh God, I’m too depressed to go on. Go to the YouTube link if you must, but heed my words. Someone ax me, please!