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Seed of Alexa

child's play 2019

CHILD’S PLAY

3.5 Stars  2019/15/87m

“Time to play.”

Director: Lars Klevberg / Writer: Tyler Burton Smith / Cast: Aubrey Plaza, Gabriel Bateman, Brian Tyree Henry, David Lewis, Ty Consiglio, Beatrice Kitsos, Carlease Burke, Marlon Kazadi, Tim Matheson, Mark Hamill (voice).

Body Count: 8+

Laughter Lines: “Can I just point out that this is how every robot apocalypse scenario begins?”


Despite being about the only major horror franchise that’s stuck neatly to its story arc over seven films, it was only a matter of time before someone remade Child’s Play. It’s Hollywood, nothing is sacred. Jaws is swimming scared.

In defiance of the odds though, the 2019 re-tooling actually launches the series into quite a different direction that the possessed doll that cuts his way through many an adult, cussing merrily as he goes. While not able to necessarily co-exist with its former self in the way, say, the 2009 Star Wars movie did, it’s not like watching somebody overhaul the original and make it all meta n’ shit, it’s a new story with a similar looking doll who goes by the same name and slashes up folks. Thassit.

At a sweatshop factory in Vietnam, a beleaguered worker is fired by his boss, told to complete the Buddi doll he’s working on and GTFO. In a fit of rage, the employee disables the violence and language parameters (curiously all displayed in English on his screen) then throws himself out of a window.

child's lay 2019 buddi chucky

Some time later, the doll is returned to Zed Mart as defective, and young mom Karen decides to gift it to her lonely 13-year-old son Andy, lest it end up in landfill somewhere. Nonplussed by the doll-for-kids, Andy nevertheless plays along and finds that Chucky’s screwy A.I. is quite capable and entertaining: Like a faithful friend, he listens and interacts – his only mission, to ensure Andy’s happiness.

As is the case in all robots-will-destroy-us yarns, Chucky takes everything Andy says literally, starting by trying to choke the family cat after it scratches him. Then when Andy wishes that his mom’s asshole boyfriend Shane would just go away forever, and souped up on the data gathered from witnessing watching Andy and his (human) friends LOL along to Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Chucky deduces violently killing Shane will lead to Andy’s happiness. All the while, Chucky becomes weirder and more attached to Andy, replaying the sounds of the tortured cat at night, and appearing in all sorts of unexpected places, eyes eerily glowing.

child's play 2019 buddi chucky

After a gruesome lawnmower death, Andy and pals are left to try and dispose of some body parts, which inadvertently end up on the shelf of the apartment down the hall where the mother of the requisite cop lives. Chucky is disabled and thrown down the garbage chute, only to be picked up by the building’s perverse custodian, who thinks there’s money to be made from the doll on eBay and so restores it.

More killings occur, and the unveiling of the Buddi 2 range at Zed Mart serves at the battleground for the final showdown, where Chucky’s ability to sync with other devices provides an army of psychotic toys to reap carnage on the midnight shoppers, such as drones with razor sharp propellers and creepy Teddy Ruxpin-like bears that lethally bite patrons.

child's play 2019 chucky buddi

All of the canon films in the Child’s Play series are, to me, decent. The quality is remarkably consistent throughout, with none being awesome nor dogshit. So I’m not too precious about this, though I feared it might’ve been watered down PG-13 stuff given the Stranger Things-stylings chatter that preceded its release. Thus, I was surprised when it turned out to be pretty fucking gory in places, and curiously restrained in others: The lawnmower and table-saw denouements are a gruesome riot, whereas the big finale came across quite dry in comparison.

This would be just fine as a sort of ‘what if’ companion piece to the other films. There’s no real need for a sequel here, I mean, what direction would you even go with? It’s literally a film about a faulty appliance. Return it for an exchange or refund.

We don’t need another hero

brightburn 2019

BRIGHTBURN

3.5 Stars  2019/18/87m

“He’s not here to save the world.”

Director: David Yarovesky / Writers: Brian Gunn & Mark Gunn / Cast: Elizabeth Banks, David Denman, Jackson A. Dunn, Matt Jones, Meredith Hagner, Gregory Alan Williams, Becky Wahlstrom, Emmie Hunter, Annie Humphrey.

Body Count: 6 (+268)


I was over superhero movies about twelve minutes into the first Avengers film. Overwrought FX-dependant three-hour epics; all this DC vs Marvel bollocks; online cry babies whining about liberal agendas every time a female character isn’t a cowering wreck; reboot after reboot after reboot; TV spin-offs; “we’re going darker”; a gazillion heroes nobody outside of the comic book store ever heard of… JUST. FUCK. OFF.

…Except X-Men. You can stay.

The news that Brightburn would be an anti-hero flick barely registered with me (I mean, how many times have various directors declared they’re making ‘more than just another superhero movie’?), until my good pal Ross caught the international cut in Amsterdam and informed me it was pretty much a slasher flick. Yes. Finally.

brightburn 2019 jackson a. dunn

International cut, you say? Why, yes. The BBFC indicated the original version would warrant an 18 certificate, so the distributor pre-cut some of the grue and language to snag a more audience friendly 15. And on DVD? The cut version, unless you have 4K SuperMegaDVD, the only place the original has been made available.

Never fear, it’s still quite grisly as we enter the world of the Breyer family: Dad Kyle, Mom Tori, and 12-year-old Brandon, who fell to earth inside a spaceship a decade earlier and was taken in by the childless couple and raised as any other regular human kid on their farm in the town of Brightburn. Around his birthday, the ship, secured in a locked section of the barn, begins glowing and calling out to Brandon, telling him to do things. Baaaad things.

brightburn 2019 eye glass

And so, as Kyle and Tori mistake his sudden mood changes for the dreaded onset of puberty, Brandon discovers his powers by killing a lawnmower, breaking the hand of the only girl who (up until then) was nice to him, and then going after her mom after he’s suspended from school over the incident. So it goes, anyone who doesn’t fold to Brandon’s will finds themselves on the lethal end of his significant superhero abilities. There’s a particularly effective scene with his uncle in his truck, which results in a sticky lost mandible. Ouch. This scene, and the shard of glass in the eye, were trimmed for the UK cut.

Eventually, Kyle and Tori begin to suspect their lil baby is the one responsible, after all he pretty much leaves his initials at every kill scene. But how do you kill Superman? They know virtually nothing of where he came from and it’s not like Brandon’s been clued in. This question kind of hangs over Brightburn in a difficult way: Whereas the tiresome opus of the standard superhero flick has the gifted one up against a villain until one of them is defeated and the humans saved, here there is no other super to pit Brandon against, it’s one big pre-teen tantrum that a time-out won’t solve.

brightburn 2019 matt jones

Harking back to the not-dissimilar Chronicle, it works fine as an – ugh – ‘origin story’ and had the film done better at the box office, a sequel or two would be guaranteed. As it stands, producer James Gunn has said it’s ‘been discussed’, but this seems like a niche within a juggernaut of a genre where anything less than world dominating success is seen as a failure, so who knows?

As a standalone, it feels a little short, and like a couple of scenes have been missed: Brandon is hinted at as being a victim of bullies in school, but this is never again touched upon. Some more low-level vengeance incidents building his sinister silhouette might well have done the trick, rather than his pretty much overnight transformation from good kid to little super-psycho.

brightburn 2019

A good film, not boring, but maybe just a little lacking in depth in places, and still way better than the prospect of the probable Infinity War reboot we’re getting in 2028.

Jack the Ripper Retelling #357

from hell 2001

FROM HELL

3.5 Stars  2001/18/117m

“Only the legend will survive.”

Directors: Albert Hughes & Allen Hughes / Writers: Alan Moore, Eddie Campbell, Terry Hayes & Rafael Yglesias / Cast: Johnny Depp, Heather Graham, Ian Holm, Robbie Coltrane, Ian Richardson, Jason Flemyng, Katrin Cartlidge, Terence Harvey, Susan Lynch, Paul Rhys, Lesley Sharp.

Body Count: 8


If there is any sort of afterlife where the dead can observe the goings-on on Earth, I imagine whoever Jack the Ripper was, he’s chuckling at the sheer number of books, films, and documentaries about him. This time, the tale is grafted into a bleak slasher-cum-mystery box office hit, courtesy of twin-bro directors Albert and Allen Hughes, from the novel by Moore and Campbell.

Johnny Depp – along way from his humble Elm Street victim beginnings – is Abberline, an East End inspector with psychic abilities, who is assigned to find out who killed a local prostitute. True to the events of 1888, the murders continue and Abberline is drawn into the potentially dangerous possibility that the killer is part of a larger conspiracy that could harm the face of the Monarchy.

With a little help from final victim-to-be Mary Kelly (Graham) and the Queen’s ageing surgeon, Abberline begins piecing together the puzzle against the wishes of his pompous superiors, who frown at the theory that a ‘well-bred’ individual might be responsible. Meanwhile, gruesome slayings continue and the reality of the brutal dissections is rammed home – a ferocious throat-slashing sticks out – and the final notoriously stomach-churning act of evil is mercifully hardly shown.

from hell 2001 heather graham

The outcome is satisfying in terms of the world the film operates in, considering it’s unlikely the identity of the real Ripper will ever be 100% certain. The downbeat conclusion suits the grimy backdrop of Whitechapel and the observations of class differences in the era, but the almost I Know What You Did Last Summer-ness of the secret that the victims share requires some stretching of the imagination, that makes this “not just a slasher movie” movie feel more like a slasher movie.

Written out like this, the plot sounds quite stupid, but high-brow big screen slasher films, no matter how opaque they attempt to be, makes From Hell one of the more interesting variables on the genre conventions. Do not confuse with other JTR-pillaging slasher of 2001 Ripper: Letter from Hell.

Blurbs-of-interest: Depp appeared in another period-set slash-a-like Sleepy Hollow; Heather Graham played Casey in Stab in Scream 2; Jason Flemyng was in Seed of Chucky; Terence Harvey was in the 1989 slasher take on The Phantom of the Opera.

Remember where you came from

mindhunters 2004

MINDHUNTERS

3 Stars  2004/15/102m

“For seven elite profilers, finding a serial killer is a process of elimination. Their own.”

Director: Renny Harlin / Writers: Wayne Kramer & Kevin Brodbin / Cast: Kathryn Morris, LL Cool J [as James Todd Smith], Jonny Lee Miller, Christian Slater, Clifton Collins Jr., Patricia Velasquez, Eion Bailey, Will Kemp, Val Kilmer.

Body Count: 9

Laughter Lines: “Eeny-meeny-miney-mo – who’s the next motherfucker to go?”


Spoilers follow. Senior FBI bod Kilmer wants to sharpen the profiling techniques of a group of his charges, so flies them off to an abandoned island used for military manoeuvres for a weekend, where he has plotted a few tests for them. However, one of their number believes they are a lot smarter than the rest and begins doing them all in with a series of elaborate traps at pre-determined times throughout the day. Can the depleting numbers overcome their paranoia and put their skills to the ultimate test before they become the next casualty?

This comparably high-tech outing thinks way about its station and aspires to rival the likes of Se7en and Kiss the Girls, but cannot escape the trashier prerequisites the stalk n’ slash plot commands in order to sustain itself. Extol the calibre of the cast all you like, but Slater, Kilmer, Miller and the rest are still saddled with rather basic characters, especially Morris’ uninteresting 2D heroine, and the fact they fail to realise they’re in a slasher flick. Thus, it was quite a catastrophic box office failure, failing even to break even.

Despite this notion of thinking it’s better than it is, Mindhunters at least feels like it has a fresh perspective in the days before Saw and its squillion sequels and rip-offs, with over indulgent murder set pieces, talky techno-babble, and the fact that it all collapses into PC-pacifying outcome where we’re forced to choose between the only black guy or the only British guy being the killer. Who d’you think it’s going to be? Mhmm.

Worth a once over.

Blurbs-of-interest: LL Cool J was in Halloween H20; Christian Slater appeared in Hollow Man II and Playback; Renny Harlin directed A Nightmare on Elm Street 4.

Guess Who

Some slasher movies go the Michael Myers route of the audience knowing who the killer is from the off, others opt for a classic cloak and dagger whodunit mystery. Sometimes, these are dead easy to suss out (*cough* Prom Night *cough*), sometimes friends or reviews inadvertently blah (cheers, Ian, for clueing me in on who was the Parka loon from Urban Legend), and sometimes they try to fool us.

Obvious spoilers follow…

All-American Murder (1991)

Downgrade student Charlie Schlatter sees his uptown girlfriend burned alive and becomes the main suspect in a series of murders around campus. But who is doing it? In a twist I never saw coming, it is the ‘dead’ girlfriend, who burned up some poor other girl in order to operate off-radar. Even Christopher Walken didn’t figure that one out.

Difficulty of mystery: 88%

*

D-Tox (1999)

christopher fulford d-tox 2001

Who is killing off the traumatised cops in a remote wilderness rehab center? Will it be the token British guy? Why yes, it will.

Difficulty of mystery: 7% – if there’s a British character, it’ll be the British character.

*

Deadly Blessing (1981)

Sharon Stone and the girl who played Patti Simcox in Grease go to visit their recently widowed gal-pal at her farm on the borders of a sub-Amish community, where somebody is killing off the locals. Is it The Incubus that the Hittite community accuse widow lady of being? Why no, it’s the boy-raised-as-a-girl from the farm next door. Didn’t see that coming.

Difficulty of mystery: 74%

*

Death Bell (2008)

This Korean flick uses the supposition that, as an Asian horror movie, it’ll be the ghost of some long-haired girl killing off students at an academic sit-in for the top performing kids of a Seoul high school. Grades are everything, so it could be anyone.

The Ace here is not who the killer is, but who it’s been all along, which comes out of left field but is awesome nonetheless.

Difficulty of mystery: 89%

*

Fatal Games (1983)

fatal games 1983 sally kirkland

There aren’t a whole lotta seeds planted for you to guess who the mystery javelin-wielding killer after youthful athletes is, but at the same time given that top-billed Sally Kirkland doesn’t have a whole lot of meat to her role, it becomes kinda obvious near the end that she’s going to get to ‘flex some acting muscle’ at some point.

This was actually lost on me though, because I had no idea what she looked like when I first saw it and thought the killer was going to be the lesbian swim coach.

Difficulty of mystery: 53%

*

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)

friday the 13th part v a new beginning 1985 dick wieand

I’d not seen The Final Chapter at the point I slotted this VHS into the machine so assumed it was just going to be a standard Jason venture. BUT NO. There is a mystery killer pretending to be Jason. Who is it? Lordy, they could not make it more obvious if they tried. Still, I was all “WTF is going on??” when this random dude was lying dead on the ground. It’s probably why I don’t hate the movie though.

Difficulty of mystery: 2%

*

Girls Nite Out (1982)

There are so many viable suspects here that the killer, when identified, is pretty out of the blue, but given the big traumatic-past-event story, looking for a character the right age to be involved narrows the field significantly (see also: The Prowler), so it should be no surprise. That the film ends as soon as the fiend is revealed is lame though.

Difficulty of mystery: 66%

*

Happy Death Day (2017)

happy death day 2017

Who is killing Tree over and over and over and over as she’s stuck in a time loop? Only time will tell. And tell again. Actually, it’s fairly obvious given that the film almost deliberately chooses to focus away from the character, the same method used in Broadchurch and I figured that shit out!

Difficulty of mystery: 57%

*

Harper’s Island (2009)

Thirteen episodes sees a wedding party and a few locals burned, skewered, propellered, and crushed to death – but who is behind it all? I had a few guesses throughout, especially the guy who ‘died’ in a random accident rather than a homicide. But it wasn’t him. It was the groom, hidden by a series of deliberate misdirections.

Difficulty of mystery: 91%

*

House of Death (1981)

Less an unmasking than a roulette wheel spin that lands on a random guy, who has no concrete motive provided in the matter of seconds during which we see his face, a flashback that tells us nothing, and then he’s dead.

Difficulty of mystery: Void.

*

I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)

Like the way Mrs Voorhees shows up for the first time at the end of Friday the 13th and just is the killer, Ben Willis doesn’t put in an appearance (unmasked anyway) before Julie figures out he’s the killer, so he never really appeared on the line-up of suspects beforehand.

Difficulty of mystery: 49%

*

The Initiation (1983)

the initiation 1983 daphne zuniga

Daphne Zuniga is a college girl with no memory of anything before age nine who begins experiencing weird occurrences in the run up to her final initiation into the Delta Rho Chi sorority. It’s likely to be the mystery individual who has broken out of an institute. But who is it? WHOOOOO?

The film toys with a lot of Freudian blah, Daphne’s little trances when she looks in a mirror, and ultimately we find out if her EVIL TWIN SISTER, who intends to kill her and take over her life!

Difficulty of mystery: 78%

*

Intruder (1988)

A review I read of Intruder stated that the killer was Jennifer’s ex-boyfriend and saw the film early enough in my genre interest that I didn’t figure it was all a ruse.

Difficulty of mystery: 59%

*

Lovers Lane (1999)

lovers lane 1999 sarah lancaster

The local teens are being hunted by a hooded, hook-handed killer in this Scream / Last Summer cash-in, which tells us it’s the recently escaped guy who killed the final girl’s mom and the final boy’s dad thirteen years earlier, only for it to be a father-daughter killing team instead, using his escape as the perfect patsy for their own revenge for, it seems, a bad break-up.

Difficulty of mystery: 55%

*

Mischief Night (2014)

A babysitter is tormented by a masked killer who is about to stab her and then… stops. He can’t do it, she’s different. They bond. They screw. What the fuck is going on? Is this even a slasher film??

Turns out the handful of victims we attributed to the intruder were in fact the babysitter’s kills, all to get the attention of some guy. She’s a regular bunny boiler. I totally did not see this coming.

Difficulty of mystery: 70%

*

My Bloody Valentine (1981)

my bloody valentine 1981 neil affleck

All write-ups of My Bloody Valentine I scoured before seeing it just went with the escaped-lunatic-returns-to-town explanation, so I thought we were dealing with Harry Warden from the off and was confused when TJ pulls off the miner’s mask and it’s… Axel!?

Difficulty of mystery: 62%

*

The Pool (2001)

There’s little mystery to this cross-European effort shot in Prague with teens from an international high school celebrating their finals by partying after hours at a water park, where a skull-masked dude with a machete chops, skewers, and – in the most memorable scene – sticks his blade through the bottom of a waterslide.

With American, German, Czech, Australian, and British characters in the roster, who do you think it’s going to be? Yes, the British guy. Again.

Difficulty of mystery: 12%

*

The Prowler (1981)

A teen couple are slain after their graduation dance in 1945. The dance is banned forever. Well, 35 years. Come 1980 the nasty soldier-of-doom is back with various sharp things to kill anew.

Seeing as there are only two characters old enough to have been of age at the time of the first killings, it’s really no surprise when the Sheriff is unmasked by the boring final girl at the end.

Difficulty of mystery: 19%

*

Psycho II (1983)

Is Norman Bates up to his old tricks after finally being released from the asylum? Motel managers disappear, sexy teens are attacked by a woman in a long dress with a big knife, Lila Crane is making trouble…

But it turns out the kind little ol’ lady from the diner is the one doing it, convinced she’s Norman’s real mother and defending him from all those intent on making his return to society miserable. Her motive is all undone come Psycho III though, so she wasted everyone’s time.

Difficulty of mystery: 85%

*

The Scream series (1997-2011)

scream killers

I fell for Billy’s little act and never considered a second killer in the first one; In Scream 2 I figured out Mickey quite easily but had ignored Debbie entirely – which is weird as everyone else I’ve ever chatted to about it guessed her and not Mickey; Scream 3 was ruined by a book about the series I flicked through shortly before its UK release; Everyone was supposing Jill was behind the mask in 4 but it passed me by.

Difficulty of mystery: 73%

*

Slaughter Studios (2002)

This so-so budget affair is elevated by some creatively gruesome deaths and the gag that the homeless guy a group of amateur filmmakers scare away when they break into a soon-to-be razed movie studio is the one who knocks them off!

Difficulty of mystery: 96%

*

The Town That Dreaded Sundown (2014)

the town that dreaded sundown 2014 spencer treat clark joshua leonard

Ryan Murphy-produced sort-of sequel, sort-of remake to the 1976 dramatization of the unsolved Texarkana killings of 1946 is a clever concept for the most part. When I recently re-watched it, I’d forgotten who the killer even was, and surprised (again) that the first victim/final girl’s boyfriend wasn’t dead at all, and that he’d faked it all to pretty much move away. Like, rent a U-Haul, dude. There’s another killer too.

Difficulty of mystery: 67%

*

Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000)

urban legends final cut 2000 hart bochner

There are so many suspects in Final Cut that the revelation that Hart Bochner’s Professor is the killer kinda just results in an “Oh, OK, fine,” response, because they’ve left so many potential red herrings alive for the climax that the huge twist promised by the producers way back when it was announced probably just meant “we’ve got 9 possible killers – no one will ever guess!”

Difficulty of mystery: 59%

*

For the record, the academic book Games of Terror gave away the killers in Friday the 13thProm NightHappy Birthday to MeGraduation Day, and the ‘revelations’ in Hell Night and Terror Train (the latter would’ve probably fooled me though). A friend of mine inadvertently gave away whodunit in Urban Legend as well (but that was quite obvious, right?)

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