Tag Archives: who finances this crap!?

Pretty Little Lies

prettykill 1987 tomorrow's a killer


1 Stars 1987/93m

A.k.a. Tomorrow’s a Killer

“Angel, hooker, killer. A night with her is full of surprises.”

Director: George Kaczender / Writer: Sandra K. Bailey / Cast: David Birnley, Season Hubley, Susannah York, Yaphet Kotto, Suzanne Snyder, Germain Houde, Lenore Zann.

Body Count: 6

Laughter Lines: “What kind of girl are you looking for? …well that’s kind of an unusual requirement – not too many people play the harp.”

“Now on videocassette” – as if it was ever going to grace the silver screen.

Terminally dull trash that begins with a guy depositing the body of a murdered hooker into a river and then nothing remotely horror related happens again for eighty minutes. That’s longer than a lot of these things run.

The rest of it is largely about cops trying to bust a drug dealer. Meanwhile, lead cop’s wife/girlfriend/whatever is an uptown madam (Hubley) who rescues girls from the street and pimps them out to various ambassadors n’ shit. She takes in naive southern gal Francie who quickly demonstrates that she’s unhinged, copying her hostess’s style in a creepy proto-Single White Female gesture, talking in her sleep in different voices, and blacking out.

It’s of course a surprise to precisely zero audience members that Francie is the killer of a whopping three people (two of which occur off camera), eventually attacking Season Hubley while skipping between personas.

A colossal waste of Yaphet Kotto and some other semi-knowns. Canuck slasher fixture Lenore Zann makes an appearance and the little blonde girl is a young Sarah Polley, plus singer Belinda Metz is in it somewhere. Unless you’re in search of a cure for insomnia or Suzanne Snyder’s hilariously terrible portrayal of multiple personalities, there is nothing to recommend here. I even have trouble categorising this as a slasher movie, but I want to make the world a better place than I found it, so if this review saves you some time, I’ve done my part.

Blurbs-of-interest: Season Hubley was also in Stepfather III; Yaphet Kotto was in Freddy’s Dead; Lenore Zann was also in Happy Birthday to MeVisiting Hours, and American Nightmare.

Overrated and over-razored

home sick 2007


1 Stars  2007/89m

“Who do you hate?”

Director: Adam Wingard / Writer: E.L. Katz / Cast: Lindley Evans, Tiffany Shepis, Forrest Pitts, Matt Lero, Tom Towles, Will Akers, Brandon Carroll, Bill Moseley, Jeff Dylan Graham.

Body Count: 12

Laughter Lines: “When a psychopath can invade the sanctity of your home and bleed all over your furnishings… we’ve fallen on dark days.”

Appearances by Shepis and Rob Zombie staples Moseley and Towles seemed to push Home Sick into some odd cult following when it appeared in 2007. Gory, squelchy FX notwithstanding, the ‘great slasher film’ that was promised failed to materialise from beneath this surface of grue.

Entirely unlikeable young folks gather at a dead house party thrown by asshole Tim, which is crashed by Moseley’s admittedly creepy Mr Suitcase, who opens said case to reveal it’s full of razor blades. He then asks each of the attendees to name someone they hate, culminating with the host stating that he hates everybody in the room. Stupid dick. Those named – exes, dealers etc – are violently murdered by a masked loon.

Things sound okay but about halfway through, the majority drag the group to Tim’s survivalist dad (Towles), dance around with guns, and then fall victim to the killer, who is now revealed to be some random demon, not hugely dissimilar from the one in Jeepers Creepers.

What does this have to do with Mr Suitcase? Why is it happening? Why do characters start laughing hysterically for no reason? Forget getting any answers. Instead, we’re left with a crap final girl and some hazy ideas that perhaps some sort of Texas Chain Saw homage was attempted here. Who do I hate? This film. Bye.

Blurbs-of-interest: Tiffany Shepis can also be seen in Bloody Murder 2ScarecrowDead ScaredBasement JackDetour, and Victor Crowley; Moseley was also in Blood NightSilent Night Deadly Night IIITexas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Texas Chainsaw 3D, and Natty Knocks; Jeff Dylan Graham was in Bloody Bloody Bible Camp; Adam Wingard later directed the much, much better You’re Next.

The Final Boys

dead dudes in the house 1989


1.5 Stars  1989/18/94m

A.k.a. The House on Tombstone HillThe Dead Come Home

“Where trespassing is a matter of life and death!”

Director/Writer: J. Riffel / Cast: Mark Zobian, Victor Verhaeghe, Sarah Newhouse, Douglas F. Gibson, John Dayton Cerna, Naomi Kooker, Eugene Sautner, Rob Moretti, James Griffith.

Body Count: 9

Filmed as The Dead Come Home and then picked up by Troma and, I guess, re-branded as more of a parody than it actually is and given a whole new title.

Thus, ignore that cover art entirely and strap in for a very slow, very boring yarn of seven college age kids who rock up at an old abandoned house to fix it up and make the fatal error of taking a sledgehammer to a tombstone found in the garden, which unleashes the spirit of a crazy old woman with super strength and looks like Motherface from the ironically similarly titled Dude Bro Party Massacre III.

The house is possessed and locks everyone inside so the old lady can pick them off. But more than that, those who die return for a while as zombies who are also capable of killing the living to the extent where even their heinous wardrobe choices can’t save them.

dead dudes in the house 1989

Within minutes, the film establishes an absolute asshole character who breaks the gravestone, demands beer, unapologetically smokes, and basically complains and yells about everything. Add to him is who I feared would be the final girl: A whiny, moany cow who is first to encounter a zombie, blame the old woman, and suddenly everyone else is happy to kill her without seeing any proof for their own eyes, but later recall events they weren’t even present for to justify the violence.

A couple of decent demises, such as the hands chopped off of a guy hanging from a window, and another chopped in two, there’s a fair bit of grue but the resolution was too dark to see much. It’s also one of the few slasher flicks to elect a final boy (for a while, two), which is always interesting. Too bad the 94 minutes feel more like 194.

Wisconsin Mine Syndrome. With Cher.

trapped alive 1988


1 Stars  1988/92m

A.k.a. Trapped

“There’s evil underground.”

Director/Writer: Leszek Burzynski / Writer: Julian Weaver / Cast: Randolph Powell, Sullivan Hester, Mark Witsken, Laura Kalison, Alex Kubik, Elizabeth Kent, Cameron Mitchell, Michael Nash.

Body Count: 9

Laughter Lines: “Do you realise that just five miles down the road a horde of beautiful and horny young men are panting for our bodies?”

Thank you to @AFinalBoy for making me aware of this… intriguing… product… of film.

Shot in Wisconsin in 1988 and shelved until ’93, the cover image was clearly sought from some adult video store section as the hair styles of the two leading ladies would fool nobody in thinking it was shot anywhere near the 90s.

Three prisoners break out of jail on a snowy night before Christmas and end up car-jacking two poodle-haired party gals on a backroad. Police checkpoints send them careening off the road and literally falling down a shaft at the largely abandoned Forever Mine.

A deputy later shows up to investigate and almost immediately has sex with the clearly desperate wife of the sleeping mine caretaker, who looks like a regional Cher tribute act if ever there was:

"Do you believe in life after Trapped Alive?"

“Do you believe in life after Trapped Alive?”

Down in the mine, the lead prisoner – Face – makes one of the girls do a striptease for him, while locking the other girl in some dark room, and the requisite almost-reformed young inmate tries to get an old generator running. They’ve failed to notice a few human skulls lying around and when the muscle is found with his face chewed off, they grow suspicious. The deputy then enters the cave system and is trapped with them when somebody cuts the rope.

Mucho talking occurs until – almost an hour in – a murder finally happens. A largely goreless, ridiculous slaying, where the victim sounds more like he’s yodelling than shrieking in pain. Deputy guy takes charge, makes almost-reformed bloke continue fixing stuff while he… does something else. Good girl Robin holds a flashlight for the guy and uses the time to fall madly in love with him.

The cannibal mutant thingy returns and grabs the other girl, forcing almost-reformed to shoot her dead before a worse fate can unfold. The remaining three try to escape, Robin strips to her bra and panties to dive through a flooded shaft (it’s snowing above, so how cold is this water likely to be?), kills the monster, then Cher rocks up, back-fills the story that the monster is her papa and blows up the mine with deputy dude inside, allowing Robin and almost-reformed to escape, then kiss loads.

trapped alive 1988

As the countdown on my VLC player refused ever to tell me there was anything less than 17 hours of the movie remaining, I felt trapped alive by Trapped Alive, a film so terminally boring they toss in a scene where Cameron Mitchell talks to a photograph for about nineteen minutes just in case you might still be awake. The monster only kills two people and is defeated at first strike and there’s very little grue. However, my main question at the end was did Cher’s husband actually sleep through all of this??

Blurbs-of-interest: Cameron Mitchell was also in The Demon, Jack-O, Valley of Death, Toolbox Murders, and Silent Scream.

Dark night of the scare– Oh no, wait.

dark harvest 2004


1 Stars  2004/86m

“You reap what you sow.”

Director/Writer: Paul Moore / Cast: Don Digiulio, Jeanie Cheek, Jennifer Leigh, B.W. York, Jessica Dunphy, Amiee Cox, Paul Bugelski, Booty Chewning.

Body Count: 10

Laughter Lines: “This says something about you – you left the black guy and the lesbian to get the bags.”

Yet more college kids versus yet more homicidal scarecrows, but even worse than the usual fare. In the 30s, a sheriff discovers a farmer has been murdering his farmhands and turning them into scarecrows, leading to the only good crop in the region. Seventy years later, farmer’s great-grandson shows up with his fiancé and some other friends, having inherited the place. Grandson learns that the farm is cursed and when the harvest moon (or ‘blood moon’) rises, it wakes three scarecrows each with an axe to grind. Or a scythe.

Crap everything sinks this in a pile of manure from the get-go, with annoying token girl-on-girl scenes, characters who argue non-stop, a questionably-accented “British” girl, and white-bread leads who are more boring than being stuck on a secluded farm with only Keeping Up with the Kardashians to watch.

Unsurprisingly shelved for two years after it was shot, and followed by two sequels that may or may not be related to this one. Avoid please.

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