Tag Archives: what the hell!?

“Please stop this – it’s wrong!”

maniacal 2003

MANIACAL

1.5 Stars  2003/18/79m

“Gilbert Gill has come home to kill!”

Director: Joe Castro / Writer: Eric Spudic / Cast: Perrine Moore, Lee Webb, Carl Darchuk, Heather Ashley, Carol Rosecarver, Brannon Gould, Jon Prutow, David Ortega, Michael Nyman, Deborah Huber.

Body Count: 14

Laughter Lines: “Should we be watching all these slasher movies with my brother on the loose?”


A little extra merit for the sheer passion shown for the genre in this effort, which is about as retarded as its nominal madman, one Gilbert Gill, a ‘slow’ youngster who opens the film by murdering his kindly stepmother and attacking his abusive father and goody-two-shoes sister Janet.

In true Halloween style, a plinky-plonky piano score runs through the credits and we skip forward three years to the day Gilbert is to be allowed home for a day’s visit with dad and sis. Instead, he murders a few of the orderlies at his low security asylum and returns to town where Janet blows off seeing him for a slumber party with slutty bimbo friends DJ and Brooke.

The outcome can be seen rolling over the horizon for miles, but there are some cutesy references to such obscure slashers as Happy Hell Night, Cheerleader Camp and even Camp Blood as well as conversations about the irony of the situation.

Nevertheless, the characters are so stupid that they fail to call off their gathering, even upon learning Janet’s brother is back in town and has murdered several people! Meanwhile, dad and a singular law enforcement officer (also DJ’s father) drive all over the place looking for Gilbert while the local kids chant Freddy-style rhymes in the park.

With the obvious love for the slasher opus, Castro abundantly ladles on the gore on with some deaths so ridiculous it defies belief: A fork in the head is one thing, but heads that collapse into rubbery masses at the thrust of a palm, and the longest strangulation in history push the bar from campy extravagance to low-watt idiocy.

Good laugh: Janet’s reasoning with her brother after thirteen murders: “please stop this – it’s wrong.” Same thing should have been mentioned to the producers.

Blurbs-of-interest: Brannon Gould was in Final Stab; Castro also directed Butchered and The Jackhammer Massacre.

I’d rather go blind

see no evil dvd

SEE NO EVIL

2 Stars  2006/18/81m

“Eight teens, one weekend, one serial killer.”

Director: Gregory Dark / Writer: Dan Madigan / Cast: Glenn Jacobs [as Kane], Christina Vidal, Samantha Noble, Luke Pegler, Steven Vidler, Michael J Pagan, Rachael Taylor, Penny McNamee, Craig Horner, Mikael Wilder, Tiffany Lamb, Cecily Polson.

Body Count: 12


See No Evil came out ten years ago! And ten years after Scream! How time flies. How producers learn nothing from the lessons provided by their forebears.

Things begin with two cops turning up at a house and discovering it’s home to hulking psycho Jacob Goodnight, who is holding a girl captive, whose eyes he has plucked out. He axes one of the cops down and cuts the arm off the other before being shot in the head.

GASP! Four years later – not a multiple of five for once! – the surviving one-armed cop is escorting eight wayward teens from their detention centre to the rundown Blackwell Hotel, where they’ll shorten their sentences by helping fix the place up as some sort of community service thing that appears only to be open to telegenic youths. Nobody here is anything short of a catwalk model.

see no evil

Of course, said venue is now the home to Goodnight, who is soon plucking out the eyes of the horny teens left, right and centre as he believes the eyes are the windows of the soul or some such nonsense. Some squishy eye-gougings and a couple of other quasi-nasty death sequences – including a nasty girl getting her cellular rammed down her throat until she chokes on it – do little to distract from the gaping flaws in passion for the project.

The cop is killed summarily early on without even facing off with the killer, totally erasing what tension there may have been, and the teens are about the most unsympathetic assholes you could ever wish to attempt to root for. Christina Vidal as good-but-tough girl Christine elicits a bit of gusto as the put-upon heroine, while the others have virtually nothing to work with other than filling their mono-dimensional drug-dealer/shoplifter/fraud role to the brim with profane stereotyping.

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WWE wrestler Kane is a good build for such a killer but the script unwisely chooses to try and create sympathy for him in the form of an obvious plot twist. One memorable scene features an animal rights activist being lowered to safety ends up hanging upside down a few inches from the ground only to be ravaged by the group of stray dogs she earlier befriended.

Notes from my original 2007 viewing end with: “At least there’s no sequel-hungry ending to it!” Oh, how wrong I was.

Blurb-of-interest: Michael J. Pagan was in Chain Letter.

Never have I ever…

evertoEVERTO

1 Stars  2016/115m

“It comes with no warning. It needs no reason.”

Director/Writer: Antione McKnight / Writer: Jackie Miller / Cast: Alessandra Spoletini, Allison Schuette, Jonathan Schneider, Dave Madden, Thomas Ouimette, Adam Yoder, Erica Matthews, Sean Demma, Michael Schneider.

Body Count: 6


What a lot of people would think is an upside to writing a blog like this – being asked to review upcoming slasher films and sent a screener – is often a poison chalice… As high-end, well made films don’t often require the assistance of down-and-out, end-of-the-earth horror geek sites, it usually ends up with me thinking how I can break it to the filmmakers that I really didn’t like their movie.

As was the case with Everto, a gruelling almost two-hour endurance test of a project, that features a teen girl tormented by a weird-faced guy with a blade, who can seemingly take on the form of other people and/or do pitch perfect voice imitations, beckoning poor fools into a room where they’ll most certainly be sliced up.

Girl finds her friend dead one night and ends up locked in the house with the body and the killer, who leaves her be. Cops interfere, she and her boyfriend investigate and there’s something about a 40-year-old murder and the fingerprints being the same, blah blah blah.

A film with a body count of six should run about 85 minutes, not 115. It also shouldn’t take 35 minutes for the first horror-related thing to happen. Do we need to listen to people talk about pancakes for seven minutes?

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While there’s an okay score and the remnants of decent cinematography, it’s drowned and stomped facedown into a puddle of crap by tinny sound and horrifically bad acting: One of the guys seems to be reading from off-screen prompts, talking about his murdered sister with all the emotional resonance of somebody pissed that they got a parking ticket.

It’s a shame, because I’d love to be able to tell someone they’re really onto something good. Everto, unless drastically re-cut, is just too dull and random to cut it.

Mourn of the dead

bloodwidowBLOOD WIDOW

1.5 Stars  2014/83m

“Die in silence.”

Director/Writer: Jeremiah Buckhalt / Writers: Chad Coup & Ian H. Davis / Cast: Danielle Lilley, Brandon Kyle Peters, Christopher de Padua, Jose Miguel Vasquez, Kelly Kilgore, Emily Cutting, Gabrielle Ann Henry.

Body Count: 11

Laughter Lines: “Come on your crazy biiiii-aaaaa-eeee-tch!” (it’s all in the delivery)


Many a horror film claims to take something or other to the next level, but Blood Widow is, for a change, telling the truth. Sadly though, what it chooses to intensify is bad acting.

Amateur night performances are part and parcel when your hobby is collecting slasher films, but this makes the actors in The Dorm That Dripped Blood look like Streep and Nicholson.

With a story almost identical to (the far superior) Mask Maker, a young couple – named fucking Hugh and Laurie!? – buy an old farmhouse, which is situated next to an abandoned girls’ school where something bad happened in the late 90s. I’m thinking it was Nu-Metal.

Friends come to party and disturb the masked psychette still living there, who uses an assortment of sharp things to gut, behead, and de-limb the newcomers. Behind the admittedly creepy doll-mask, she also has ninja-lite moves and would give many a hulking loon a run for his buck.

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After a convenient diary turns up to backfill the questions I didn’t have, the surly heroine asks the couple who sold them the place about the incident next door, they’re like “oh yeah, we should’ve told you but didn’t want to devalue the property…”

Fortunately, everyone dies and the audience exhales at the end of the terrible, terrible acting, which borders on the suspicion that the cast were trying to outdo each other in the suck stakes.

Amusingly, special makeup effects were done by a Michael Gore and, joy of joys, there’s a sequel pending.

Blame it on the girls

hashtag-horror#HORROR

2.5 Stars  2015/98m

Director/Writer: Tara Subkoff / Cast: Chloë Sevigny, Timothy Hutton, Sadie Seelert, Bridget McGarry, Hayley Murphy, Mina Sundwall, Emma Adler, Blue Lindberg, Taryn Manning, Natasha Lyonne, Balthazar Getty.

Body Count: 7

Laughter Lines: “If he’s so rich, why does he dress like that? He looks like Hitler.”


I read an article a couple of years ago where psychologists stated that childhood ‘ends’ at age 11. Hence, while all manner of organisations, parents’ groups, and what have you bleat on about protecting the children, up until they’re, say, sixteen, the kids have all but stopped being kids.

#Horror is a weird and difficult film to classify. Creator Subkoff conceived the idea based on a conversation with a friends daughter, who, when asked what horror was to her, filled Subkoff in on her cyberbullying experiences.

In the film, 12-year-old scholarship girl Sam is sort-of invited to a slumber party at rich girl Sofia Cox’s arty house in the middle of nowhere, one snowy December day. Sam’s only friend is Cat, who it seems has become slightly unhinged since the death of her mother, and whose father is ultra-controlling.

The other four girls are, like the hostess, nasty children of equally nasty parents, who spend their time bitching about how their last house was bigger and, uniformally, cannot be without their phones for more than a matter of seconds, with which they video or photograph everything, competing in a social media site that gives them points based on popularity. It’s all that matters.

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The girls communicate via the medium of put-down (their rule is that if anybody laughs, it’s not mean), bubbling over until Cat is thrown out by the others after she goes too far insulting the requisite tubby girl. Sam convinces the others to lock away their phones for an hour while Sofia’s mother (Sevigny) is at an AA meeting. At this point, they’re forced to open up and have a sub-Breakfast Club conversation about parents who ignore them, divorces, first periods, first kisses… But it doesn’t last: “There’s nothing to do without our phones.”

Cat’s father crashes in looking for his daughter, trying to scare some sense into the girls. Sam goes to look for Cat in vain, and discovers the body of Sofia’s father, who was slashed up at the beginning and, eventually, the killer goes after the girls in the last twenty minutes or so.

Unpleasant characters abound, both adult and child, with Sam the only halfway decent one, and even she shies away from doing the right thing at the right time, so desperate to fit in she goes along with the others’ cruelty.

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Mixed to bad reviews are indicative of a problematic film, mainly because it doesn’t adhere to any set genre and only becomes a slasher film at the very end, but the message is clear that social media is the big villain over and above any nut in a mask, that tweens, girls in particular it would seem, are so vulnerable they’re willing to sacrifice any real friendships in favour of ‘likes’.

A cross between Welcome to the Dollhouse and last year’s Facebook-kills flick Unfriended, with a few visual elements of Scott Pilgrim. Just remember it’s an art film before a horror film, title be damned. And fortunately my 12-year-old niece can just about be pried apart from her phone.

Blurbs-of-interest: Timothy Hutton was in The Dark Half; Taryn Manning was also in Groupie; Natasha Lyonne was in Madhouse; Balthazar Getty was in The Tripper.

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