Tag Archives: hair don’ts

When she was bad

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silent-scream-media-vhs-front2SILENT SCREAM

3.5 Stars  1980/18/83m

“Terror so sudden there’s no time to scream.”

Director: Denny Harris / Writers: Ken Wheat, Jim Wheat & Wallace C. Bennett / Cast: Rebecca Balding, Cameron Mitchell, Avery Schreiber, Barbara Steele, Steve Doubet, Brad Rearden, Juli Andelman, John Widelock, Yvonne de Carlo.

Body Count: 5

A movie like Silent Scream wouldn’t get made today. If it did, it’d be one of those skid row budget things that was released by the smallest DVD distributor around, everyone would hate it, and it would sink into the nether realm of lost films.

Thankfully, this was not the case back in the late 70s, when it was produced as a speculative reaction to the (at the time) modest success of Halloween. Spelling it out, the ADHD generation of today will probably hate the fuck out of it.

Transfer student Scotty (Balding – rocking great hair and sunnies) arrives at her college too late to find on-campus accommodation and ends up taking a room in a picturesque but eerie ocean front mansion, owned by recluse Mrs Engels (de Carlo), and run by her son.

Things get weird when Scotty keeps hearing the same 50s love song playing somewhere in the house. Turns out that Engels’ daughter and ex-prom queen Victoria (the eternally marvellous Steele) is living in the attic, where she stares blankly at a picture of her younger self stuck over a mirror.

In her more desperate moments, Victoria stabs to death the other boarders, who remind of her disappearing, pre-lobotomy youth – until Scotty stumbles into her room.

Good characters played by a rather exceptional cast distinguish this slow-burn affair, which features creepy murders (albeit very few of them) and a surprising finale in which Victoria isn’t the only one to lose her shit.

A higher body count would’ve helped but as it is, Silent Scream does it’s job well with more class than most of the post-Carpenter efforts.

This is one I’ve regrettably not seen in a long, long time.

Blurbs-of-interest: Juli Andelman was the lead in Blood Cult; Yvonne De Carlo was also in American Gothic; Cameron Mitchell was in The Demon, Jack-O, The Toolbox Murders, Trapped Alive, and Valley of Death.

To the devil… bad hair

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bloodspell2BLOODSPELL

2 Stars  1988/18/88m

A.k.a. The Boy from Hell; To the Devil a Son

“Daniel has just become eighteen. Time to meet his real father.”

Director: Deryn Warren / Writer: Gerry Daly / Cast: Anthony Jenkins, Aaron Teich, Theodora Louise, Edward Dloughy, Alexandra Kennedy, Douglas Vale, John Reno, Susan Buchanan, Arthur Alexander, Christopher G. Venuti, Kimble Jemison, Heather Green, Jacque J. Coon, Tia Lachelle.

Body Count: 5

Laughter Lines: “Everybody is gonna be dead around here before you guys wanna do something about it!”

One of those demonic-child-cum-slasher things that has Jenkins as Daniel, a recently come-of-age teenager who is dropped off by his distraught mother at the St Boniface ‘Evaluation Center’ for troubled kids.

This is because his satanic dad turned up out of the blue and wants to convert sonny boy into a vessel of evil, primed to create the antichrist with a girl of his choice. He chooses suicidal Debbie, whose Chrissie Hynde-look-a-like boyfriend Charlie is suspicious of the newcomer, especially when others at the center begin dropping dead.

First to go are the nasty kids, who meet grisly accidents that include being sucked into a woodchipper; the drop-in therapist is provided with a portion of heart attack-to-go.

Having noticed that Daniel is present at every one of these incidents, Charlie attempts to convince the live-in counsellors and Debbie – in overwrought Pleasence fashion – that Daniel is evil incarnate. Daniel then makes off with Debbie for The Sexening – unless Charlie can lumber to the rescue.

Although not as predictable as the set-up might have you believe, there’s not a whole lot more than sub-par anxious shouting for dialogue and one of the most vulgar wardrobes in movie history. Attach a sappy group-hug ending and the last chance for an inventive shock all but drains away.

Passable and entertaining for lovers of bad 80s fashion and hair, but the spell it attempts to cast is a dud.

Blurb-of-interest: Theodora Louise is actually Twink Caplan, who most famously played the flustered teacher Ms Giest in Clueless. She has the worst hair here; Aarin Teich was in Darkroom.

And then there were nun

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Bloody-Bloody-Bible-Camp2BLOODY BLOODY BIBLE CAMP

3.5 Stars  2012/91m

“Heaven is for everyone… Except YOU!”

Director/Writer: Vito Trabucco / Writer: Shelby McIntyre / Cast: Reggie Bannister, Tim Sullivan, Deborah Venegas, Jay Fields, Ivet Corvea, Jessica Sonneborn, Matthew Aidan, Christopher Raff, Troy Guthrie, Elissa Dowling, Jonathan Cahill, Mike Wood, Julianne Tura, David C. Hayes, Jeff Dylan Graham, Chris Staviski, Ron Jeremy.

Body Count: 15

Dire-logue: “I plan on being balls-deep in Betty by ten o’clock.”

I grew up in a religious household, not a strict Catholic “thou shalt not…!!”-type deranged one, more or a tambourines, sandals, and Toronto blessings-type deranged one. Marry a mockery of this lifestyle to a summer camp slasher film and I’ve found MY heaven.

Starting that golden year of 1977, the horny teenagers of Happy Days Bible Camp have clearly ignored all the lore of The Good Book and want nothing more than to smoke dope and have sex. They try to misbehave, but are instead thwarted by premature ejaculation and laid to waste by a loon dressed as a nun and rocking a big axe.

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Seven years later in that slightly embarrassing year of ’84, a new busload of happy Bible-loving youths come into town with the intent of scoping out the camp to see if its worth their church purchasing it. The requisite all-knowing locals at the general store try to warn them off, but Father Cummings is intent on getting to camp and starting the Biblical fun (is that an oxymoron?).

The psycho nun, Sister Mary Chopper, soon returns to cut her way through the fresh crop of young folk who, like their predecessors, are more interested in each other than learning God’s ways, save maybe for rotund goody-goody Timmy (“I’m sorry Jesus! Please take this sinful boner away!”). Douchey Tad wants in dim-bulbed Jessica’s pants; Vance is looking for loopholes in the Commandments that allows for sodomy; Millie can’t stop touching up bad-girl Jennifer; and even Father Cummings is browsing a sticky-paged mag called CUMunion in his private time – “There’s only one type of wiener you wanna wrap your lips around!”

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Christianity and the various contradictions of the Bible are derided at every available opportunity and the cast chew up the hammy lines with gusto, topped off perfectly with Jesus himself appearing – played by Ron Jeremy. The Bible-quiz scene throws up some great moments:

  • Father Cummings: “What happens to anybody who asks forgiveness before death? They go to heaven!” / Jennifer: “What about Hitler? What if he asked for forgiveness?” / Father: “Uhhh… then he’s probably up in heaven.”
  • Father: “What happens to homosexuals?” / Jennifer: “They become priests!”

In slasher film terms, Bloody Bloody Bible Camp is Friday the 13th by way of the Sleepaway Camp sequels (the Pam Springsteen ones, that is); a high body count comprised of amusing and grisly deaths, all bathed in the sloppy gore effects (intentional): decapitation, squashed heads, crucifix up the ass, and a new meaning to the vulgar slang ‘axe wound’ as a girl cops a blade right in the… well, you know where.

Just look how Camp Crystal Lakey it is:

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An initially unlikely final girl emerges from the pack and there’s a good, if short, chase scene with some amusing accoutrements tossed into the salad. She packs a good scream where it counts and was my favoured choice of survivor so I’m a happy camper on that front.

Nit-picking faults in a cheap film that imitates a genre of cheap films is pointless; some of the jokes may be lame for discriminating viewers, but I wouldn’t expect those people to be sitting down to watch this in the first place. If you like tits, gore, and fart/cock/gay jokes, all wrapped up with a killer nun offing horny teenagers dressed in 80s clobber, you’re sure to love this, and if you don’t, then flick through the Bible instead.

Blurbs-of-interest: Ron Jeremy had the title role in Andre the Butcher; Jessica Sonneborn was in Camp Daze; Jeff Dylan Graham was in Home Sick; Christopher Raff was in Jack the Reaper; Reggie Bannister was in Sigma Die! and Spring Break Massacre, which are essentially the same film. 

Cheer and loathing

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CHEERLEADER CAMP

2.5 Stars  1987/89m

“Give me a K, give me an I, give me an L, give me an L.”

A.k.a. Bloody Pom-Poms

Director: John Quinn / Writers: David Lee Fein & R.L. O’Keefe / Cast: Betsy Russell, Leif Garrett, Lucinda Dickey, Vicki Benson, George ‘Buck’ Flower, Lorie Griffin, Travis McKenna, Teri Weigel, Rebecca Ferratti, Jeff Prettyman.

Body Count: 9

Dire-logue: “I’ll drop dead if you’ve ever tried head.”

This film couldn’t be more 80s if it wore spandex and broke into a rock ballad: drug-bust magnet Leif Garrett, pre-Saw Betsy Russell, teens completely unaware what to do when being stalked by a maniac, despite this happening more regularly in American culture than almost anything else in the decade…

The Lindo Valley Cheer Squad (all matching uniforms and big hair) attend a competition at Camp Hurrah and sooner or later find out just how far somebody will go to make their mark on the cheerleader community as an off-screen presence begins to do away with them amidst the godawful music, horrific rapping, and cheerleading routines that Steps would’ve snubbed.

Is the killer per-chance whiny nightmare-plagued young Sigourney Weaver-a-like Alison Wentworth, who is concerned that she doesn’t have enough personality to keep her balding boyfriend Brent/Brett/Brad (it varies) interested in her. She’s probably right.

Produced with just about enough lip surface gloss to make it look like a slightly higher budget Sleepaway Camp; the acting is tolerable and the comedy stupid enough not to offend. Only the plain idiotic attempts to pull the wool over the audiences eyes with regards to the killer’s identity is truly irritating: It’s plainly obvious who it’s gonna be from the first time the character speaks.

If you don’t work it out – I stress the IF – wind back and watch said individual’s suss reaction shots, extraneous lines and lack-of-presence at each murder.

Also, there’s a great, random review on IMDb from some girl who says she “watched it at schmevan’s (!?) house” and was concerned that she would be “slashed to death with pom-poms and just DIE!” when she walked home.

Ongoing rumours about the Uma Thurman-starring sequel a few years later have never amounted to much. Cheerleader Camp 2 is reportedly Camp Fear, which stars Russell, Flower, and also Vincent Van Patten from Hell Night but has nothing to do with cheerleading. And Uma Thurman still isn’t in it.

Blurbs-of-interest: George Flower was also in Berserker and The Gas Station short from John Carpenter’s Body Bags; Teri Weigel appears as a body double in Far From Home; as well as being Jigsaw’s wife, Russell was in Chain Letter.

Buzz kill

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DESTROYER

3 Stars  1988/18/94m

“You can’t kill what refuses to die.”

A.k.a. The Edison Effect; Shadow of Death

Director: Robert Kirk / Writers: Rex Hauck & Peter Garrity / Cast: Deborah Foreman, Clayton Rohner, Anthony Perkins, Lyle Alzado, Tobias Anderson, Lannie Garrett, Jim Turner, Pat Mahoney, David Kristin.

Body Count: 11

Dire-logue: “Hey, this is the 80s, doll, nudity is required of everyone!”

Not even the electric chair can stop serial killer Ivan Moser, whose botched execution coincides with a prison riot that ends with fifty deaths and the closure of the facility.

Eighteen months later, a film crew shooting a cheapo exploitation flick called Death House Dolls set up in the prison under the supervision of hack director Perkins, who tosses more than a few references to Psycho into the salad.

Meanwhile, stuntwoman Susan (Foreman, sporting a grim Pat Benatar do) keeps finding mysterious messages to her left in eerie areas of the prison that she thinks are from her scriptwriter boyfriend, Rohner. As it turns out, Moser (walking protein shake Alzado) is still very much alive – or ‘half alive’ if you listen to the obligatory oracle – and killing the cast and crew is now his favourite pastime.

There are plenty of decent laughs and sharp lines to lap up but the film doesn’t really know if it wants to be an acition movie or a horror movie and so we lost out when cliches from both genres are junkily fused together making the cast look a bit confused with the material.

Ex-football star-turned-actor Alzado (who died in 1992) is an efficient maniac and Lannie Garrett does a good turn as the difficult lead who needs the money. The plot flaws are eventually too obstructive to elevate this over three stars but it’s still worth a look, and seems to be quite the rarity now.

Listen out for the background song: Kiss My Stinky White Ass.

Unanswered questions: What happened to all the girls in the showers and why did they sink to ripping off the end ofSorority House Massacre?

Blurbs-of-interest: Perkins appeared in all 4 Psycho movies as Norman Bates; Foreman and Rohner were both in April Fool’s Day; Tobias Anderson was in Harvest of Fear.

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