Tag Archives: Canuck

Red, white, & grue

AMERICAN GOTHIC

3.5 Stars  1988/18/84m

“The family that slays together, stays together…”

A.k.a. Hide and Shriek

Director: John Hough / Writers: Michael Vines & Burt Wetanson / Cast: Rod Steiger, Yvonne De Carlo, Sarah Torgov, Caroline Barclay, Mark Ericksen, Fiona Hutchinson, Mark Lindsay Chapman, Stephen Shellen, Janet Wright, Michael J. Pollard, William Hootkins.

Body Count: 10


The famous painting of the same name by Grant Wood is sort of lampooned in this bleakly engaging UK-Canadian production, in which three couples on vacation land their sea-plane on an island inhabited solely by aging couple Steiger and De Carlo, and their three grown-up children, who dress and act like pre-teens. Bet the outlanders wished they just drove to the woods and met Jason instead.

Mom and Pop are the puritan-type Bible-bashers who welcome to the newcomers on the proviso that they don’t fornicate, take the lord’s name in vain, yaddah yaddah yaddah… all the usual stuff, while the ‘children’, Fanny, Woody, and Teddy, just want to play with their guests and go about killing them one by one, by hanging, knitting needle, and, most memorably, cliff-edge swing.

Depressed Cynthia, on the trip to try and get over a miscarriage, is the only one remaining, cracks up and joins the family until Fanny makes the error of getting her to play mother and she cracks-back and takes her revenge on the family.

While avoiding the usual slasher movie pitfalls, American Gothic is interesting to say the least; well acted and pleasantly diverting from what would’ve been had they run into Jason or one of his Xeroxes, though we must wonder why, once they realised how ‘not normal’ their hosts were, they didn’t just camp out by their plane until it could be fixed. Entertaining stuff, a positive speed bump from the declining era of the genre.

Blurbs-of-interest: De Carlo was another weird mama in Silent Scream; Michael J. Pollard was also another weirdo in Sleepaway Camp III; Stephen Shellen was in The Stepfather.

Get well soon

visiting-hours2VISITING HOURS

2 Stars  1982/99m

“The hospital where your next visit… will be your last.”

Director: Jean Claude Lord / Writer: Brian Taggert / Cast: Lee Grant, Michael Ironside, William Shatner, Linda Purl, Lenore Zann, Harvey Atkin, Helen Hughes.

Body Count: 5


First off, Jean Claude Lord is a bad ass name. For anyone.

Shame that’s where the bad assery of Visiting Hours comes to a halt with as much high octane action as a narrowboat derby on the Norfolk Broads.

And it is a shame because this rather plush Canadian production starts off so well, with Lee Grant’s rather confident reporter setting a couple of chauvinists right live on the telly, which angers all round unpleasant viewer Colt Hawker (Ironside), who then decides to kill her.

A tense scene in which Lee returns home to find everything a bit off culminates beautifully with butt-naked Hawker bursting out wearing nothing but some of her clip-on jewellery and slashing at her. She escapes with the aid of the ever-handy dumb-waiter and is admitted to the county hospital.

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Dissatisfied with his failure, Hawker spends the next 80 minutes trying to gain access to her hospital room to finish the job. Why he didn’t just hop downstairs and kill her before is unclear. Visiting Hours skips from genre-to-genre like a frog with ADHD, never sticking with being a slasher film, or an anchorwoman-in-peril thriller, or boring hospital soap. At times it manages to straddle all three at once. Make no mistake, this is no Halloween II. Or Hospital Massacre.

What few victims there are are misidentified patients and luckless schmucks who are in the wrong place at the wrong time; he cuts a respirator for an old lady and creepily photographs her dying, then knifes the nurse who comes to help out. But most the time it’s Lee Grant being paranoid, Linda Purl’s sweet but jittery nurse being sweet and jittery, or Ironside living his rather sad life.

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Visiting Hours does draw the viewer more into the ‘story’ of the killer. Rather than a masked loon running amok for reasons yet to be revealed, Colt Hawker is quickly identified as some angered-up sexual miscreant who detests strong women, wears a leather vest, and flashes back to his over-touchy-feely dad playing around with him. Is this insightful or inciteful? Arguably, the audience doesn’t want to feel sorrow for the killer, especially when his primary hobby is cutting up women – a topical issue concerning the genre during this era – however, the film could just be digging deeper.

For it’s pointless inclusion on the Video Nasties list – I’ve watched both versions some years apart and can’t tell the difference – Visiting Hours is a rather tame affair, buoyed by big-name actors, there’s little exploitation on show. Ironside’s threat is far more psychological than visceral. However, the straying from the tried and tested slasher formula is what does the most harm: Visiting Hours is boring.

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Final Girl said of it that she was surprised it didn’t clock in at five hours, which, considering there’s more padding on show than you’d find at auditions for TOWIE, is totally valid. For my repeat viewing, I had to watch in shifts so my eyes would remain open. After the initial assault, it’d be more interesting to go and sit in a hospital waiting room for two hours than watch this again.

Bizarrely, despite Ironside’s solid depiction of Colt Hawker’s sad-ass psycho, he’s a pretty incapable killer. His main quarry escapes the first time, he botches killing somebody else, leaves a teen babysitter to survive, and again fails to execute his plan on several more occasions. He did better in American Nightmare, which also featured Lenore Zann as a ‘lady of the night.’

Plus points for performances and casting a woman in her mid-50s as the final ‘girl’, everything looks slick, but balance is lost in the expense-to-boredom ratio. But I always enjoy a film where there are genre regulars, and because Canada only had 23 actors in the early 80s, most of them are in this too. If only they’d had more conviction in what they were creating – either the horror, thriller, or soap – it might’ve been a place worth visiting.

And why is there a dog seemingly employed by the hospital living in the basement?

vh4aBlurbs-of-interest: Ironside was also in Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II, Children of the Corn: Revelation, Fallen Angels and Reeker; The Shatner was a criminology pro (ha!) in American Psycho II (ha!); Lenore Zann was one of the Crawford Top Ten of Happy Birthday to Me and can also be seen in American Nightmare and PrettyKill; Harvey Atkin was in Funeral Home.

Twists of fury: Ripper

In this feature, Vegan Voorhees examines those jaw-dropping revelations that the slasher film loves to bat our way from the blue, like a pushy parent tossing softballs at a kid who doesn’t want to learn baseball.

This week, we look at the frankly bizarre last few minutes of Ripper: Letter from Hell. If you haven’t already scratched your head over it, beware yon SPOILERS that lie in the road.

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Set Up: Criminal psychology students are done in by a loon aping the crimes of Jack the Ripper. The more they investigate the deaths of their friends, the closer to final girl-cum-survivor-of-earlier-massacre Molly the murders come…

Twist: Molly is the killer. Then she’s delusional and thinks she’s in 1888. Then she’s in a psych ward.

Problems with this revelation:

There’s no specific list of faults with the ending of Ripper, only that it piles on additional revelations like a fat guy at an all you can eat breakfast buffet:

  • The detective tells Molly that the Professor is the killer.
  • The names of the victims contrivedly match the initials of the Ripper’s victims and spell out ‘Teacher’.
  • Molly has flashbacks indicating she is the killer. And didn’t realise.
  • She stabbed the killer in the hand at the beginning – the detective wears gloves. Nobody else does.
  • Molly thinks she’s the reincarnation of the Jack the Ripper.
  • Molly thinks it’s 1888.
  • Molly wakes up screaming strapped to a hospital bed.

So, which is it? And who would go to so much trouble to group together students with initials that match Jack the Ripper’s victims? Why is requisite weirdo Aaron not included on the list? Why does he turn up at the cabin?

Likely explanation: On the DVD commentary track, John Eyres says he “didn’t get the end he wanted” due to budgetary constraints. Or the script wasn’t thought out all too clearly.

There’s a decent theory on the IMDb message boards about the Detective being the actual killer. Don’t expect the sequel to clear any of it up either, it only makes matters worse.

Scott Pilgrim vs Cinderhella and the Class of ’92

detention_poster2DETENTION

2.5 Stars  2011/15/89m

“Cancel your future.”

Director/Writer: Joseph Kahn / Writer: Mark Palermo / Cast: Josh Hutcherson, Shanley Caswell, Dane Cook, Spencer Locke, Aaron David Johnson, Parker Bagley, Alison Woods, Jonathan Park, Tiffany Boone, Travis Fleetwood, Marque Richardson.

Body Count: 16

Dire-logue: “It’s so obviously a conspiracy to get everyone to think I’m a total loser making pre-emptive mid-90s pop references.”


Oil and water. Sandals and socks. One Direction and a record deal. Some things just don’t work together. To that we can now add Scott Pilgrim-esque motion comic platitudes with a Scream meta slasher semi going on. Detention is weird.

What there is of a story begins with the murder of high school superbitch Taylor, who commentates to camera about, like, life n’ stuff, the many cliches of the Mean Girls generation with an OD of toxic wit before getting her throat slashed, then stabbed and tossed out the window. Seems one can, like, totally still scream in spite of a cut throat.

Grizzly Lake High loser Riley is soon attacked by the same killer, dressed as fictional slasher flick killer Cinderhella. Another murder follows and eight characters are given Saturday detention (sadly not in Shermer, Illinois). Riley and crush Clapton (Hutcherson, pre-Hunger Games), use a time machine inside the school’s Grizzly bear mascot, to go back to 1992 to stop the end of the world.

Effectively, the detention itself is irrelevant, beginning almost an hour through the film and meaning nothing in the grand scheme of things. Here, where we expect the nine teenagers to start getting whacked, the film branches off down its stupid time travel route. The slasher plot is lost in a loads of gags about body swapping, 90s fashion, music, and is brought back at the end to wrap things up, revealing the killer to be just who the arrows were pointing to and not bothering to offer a motive. Not a clear one anyway.

While the dialogue is axe-blade sharp, the insights into 90s culture (also curiously unexplained) are amusing (“Oasis were the best Beatles cover band”), it just doesn’t go anywhere. The time travel element appears from nowhere and for no discernible reason other than to serve as a basis for more 1992-woz-funny jokes.

Had this a fraction of the amount of Scream‘s attention to detail, it would’ve been approximately 64% better, but it’s like someone wrote a load of funny jokes about shit and decided a half-assed slasher opus would be a viable genre to staple them to, but nobody seemed to give a shit about making the slasher part of it any good… People die and then un-die, and much of the body count is made up of film-within-a-film (and sometimes within-a-film-within-a-film-within-a-film) slayings – only five people are offed in the narrative.

Extra points for featuring two men kissing (gasp!) and NOT punishing them for it for a change, and Parker Bagley’s appropriate eye-candiness. Growl.

The two-and-a-half-stars are 80% for the clever-dick script, which will date faster than, like, an X Factor winner’s single. Watch Detention again in ten years and see how much of it makes any sense. Or is remotely funny. See, unlike the of-the-moment gags, the killer-with-a-knife plot has remained the same for 30+ years, and that’s the part that should’ve been the focus of the exercise.

10 more final girls we love

One volume of great final girls notwithstanding, here’s a second round of lovable, ass-kicking, shy, shrewd, girl-scoutery. Naturally, as few sequels match the original, these girls maybe aren’t QUITE as awesome as those from last time, but they deserve our love and clingy “be my friend”-ness…

Jannicke (Ingrid Bolso Berdal)

Cold Prey (2006)

All-round lead character Jannicke (pro: Yaneka) is pegged as the final girl in the landmark Norwegian slasher from the moment she appears. Smart, wise, democratic, and strong when it really counts, Jannicke slips on the shoes of a real heroine with ease when her group of friends and she find themselves hunted down by a hulking mountain man in an abandoned ski lodge.

Good decision making properties and a gutsy final battle with the killer make Jannicke a vital person to have around. In the sequel she does the same but gets angry with it.

Marti (Dame Linda of Blair)

Hell Night (1981)

Having survived being possessed by the devil himself, you’d think Linda Blair would know not to partake in ill-conceived frat pranks that involve spending the night in the world’s creepiest manor house. Where people were murdered. And the killer still hangs out.

Mechanic, liberal, loyal, and feisty, Marti hot-wires an escape vehicle and you can literally SEE her change from fleeing victim to power-wielding supervixen when she spies the spiked gates that she’ll use to rid herself of the annoying killer on her roof.

Jamie Lloyd (Danielle Harris)

Halloween 45 (1988-89)

Poor little Jamie Lloyd’s mom (Laurie Strode!) escaped the clutches of Michael Myers about 83 times on Halloween night, 1978. Then died in a car crash (or did she?). Daughter Jamie is adopted by the Carruthers family and a decade after THAT night, Uncle Mikey comes back for the remainder of the bloodline. Then he does it again the following year. And six years after that.

Nine-year-old Jamie really becomes the final girl in Halloween 5 where there’s no big sister left to help her. It seems like the little girl screams, cries, and runs for an eternity but she continues to survive, much like her homicidal uncle, until cruelly offed in Halloween 6 (though by that time J.C. Brandy had taken over the role).

Pam (Melanie Kinnaman)

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)

Although the world is largely in agreement that Friday 5 is redundant of quality, one of the many joyful elements going for it is spunky heroine Pam Roberts, resident psychologist at the Pinehurst Institute of Mental Health. Or: home for crazy teenagers. In the middle of the woods.

Just as little Jamie Lloyd is ten years younger than most of her sisters, Pam is older than your average final girl. Having spent a majority of the film trying to find troubled teen and mortal enemy of Jason Voorhees, Tommy, she then returns to the nuthouse and finds that a hockey-masked loon will do anything to slice her up.

Mucho running and screaming through rain-soaked trees later, Pam fights back with a chainsaw until she, Tommy, and that kid from Diff’rent Strokes manage to do away with “Jason”.

Jessie (Eliza Duskhu)

Wrong Turn (2003)

Here’s an odd one: Buffy herself, Sarah Michelle Gellar, appeared in a couple of the big 90s slasher films as a victim, quite possibly wanting to play anything but righteous, ass-kicking uber-final girl for a change. In Wrong Turn, vampire slayer-gone-bad Dushku took on the role as love-robbed camper-in-peril when her quartet of BFF’s are chopped up for dinner by a trio of cannibals.

Curiously, Dushku doesn’t get that much to do as a final girl, having to be saved by Desmond Harrington’s take-charge doctor, though she does get to go all primal and shrieky with an axe once she’s free to do so. Nevertheless, her extraneous casting makes for an interesting heroine, even if we all know that, as Faith, she could’ve laid those loons to waste in a couple of kicks.

Alana (Jamie Lee Curtis)

Terror Train (1980)

Jamie Lee’s third round as final girl came in Roger Spottiswoode’s rather lush and mature killer-on-a-choo-choo film, in which a graduating class of med students are terrorised by a mask-switching maniac who is still peeved about a joke that went wrong three years previously.

Alana has a wholesome moral center and is more gutsy than Laurie Strode and more involved than Kim Hammond (her Prom Night character). After running for a bit, Alana uses whatever she can find to strike back at the hell bent killer but, as in her other films, she is ultimately saved by the intervention of an older male authority figure, which robs her of some of the glory a bit. But she’s still awesome.

Kristen (Patricia Arquette)

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)

Nobody will ever replace Nancy as the ultimate Krueger final girl, but Patsy Arquette’s “suicidal” rich kid probably comes closest. (Some will vouch for Lisa Wilcox in films 4 and 5 but I never really liked her).

As the pivotal ‘Dream Warrior’, Kristen has the power to pull other people in her dreams, thus she and her fellow inmates can fight off Freddy Krueger together. But this pales in comparison to Kristen’s best bit, after eeeeevil Dr Simms fires Nancy, she flips out: “You can’t take Nancy, she’s all we have! You stupid bitch! You’re killing us!”

Clear (Ali Larter)

Final Destination (2000)

Originally, James Wong wanted Kirsten Dunst to play the role of Clear Rivers in Final Destination. In the DVD commentary he says that “Ali Larter is… is OK.” Bet she loved hearing that.

Nevertheless, Larter goes for the jugular as the only one who exits the doomed Flight 180 to believe Devon Sawa’s rantings that the plane will explode. She keeps this to herself for a while, later confessing that she could ‘feel’ his premonition without necessarily sharing it. After that, she becomes a Fuck Death ambassador, opening up and, in the sequel, coaching a new group of escapees how to cheat their imminent deaths. She helps, I guess, but most of them die anyway and so does she.

Cass (Tamara Stafford)

The Hills Have Eyes Part II (1983)

If Clear’s ability to ‘feel’ a premonition weren’t enough, Cass is a full blown psychic. AND she’s blind!

Wes Craven’s mucho-hated sequel to his own 1977 siege flick is a sell-out slasher movie with a decent cast, a Harry Manfredini score, and a dog capable of having a flashback.

Cass emerges as the obvious final girl, tottering around blind, feeling her friends’ dead faces and still conquering the hulking mutant who’s after her. Stafford’s career was too short-lived to be able to discern whether or not she is, in fact, blind. But she’s a cool, likable heroine at the center of it regardless.

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Valerie, Trish, and Courtney (Robin Stille, Michele Michaels, and Jennifer Meyer)

The Slumber Party Massacre (1982)

Threesome! Feminist writer Rita Mae Brown originally conceived The Slumber Party Massacre as a comic reaction to the veritable tidal wave of neo-misogynistic low-rent slasher films emerging in 1981 and 82. The studio execs changed much of the script but both the laughs and the girl power are still very much present.

Once the killer with his phallic weapon of choice – an enormous power drill – has done away with much of the girls’ basketball team and some boyfriends, girl-next-door Valerie comes to the rescue, attacking him with a machete and chasing him down. When he fights back, host Trish and Val’s little sister Courtney join forces and go for him.

In what’s a rather dumb (but fun) movie, the end scene actually musters some real gusto and “go on girl!”-type audience participation. It’s EXCELLENT when they all set upon him. One of the few pre-90s movies where there is more than one female survivor.

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