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vengeance part 2 bloodlines 2022

VENGEANCE PART 2: BLOODLINES

2.5 Stars  2022/108m

“Legends are worth dying for. Family is worth killing for.”

Director/Writer: Jason Brooks / Cast: C.J. Graham, Thom Mathews, Darcy DeMoss, Kelly Tappan, Sanae Loutsis, Morgen Johnson, Jason Brooks, Tom McLoughlin, Rob Mello, Tamara Glynn, Richie Ramone.

Body Count: 36

A follow-up to the 2019 fan film, Bloodlines brings back the sisters Jarvis, still looking for their pop, while Elias Voorhees spurns Jason on to keep killing, well, everybody.

Meanwhile, a couple of devotees (including Jason Lives director McLoughlin) abduct the younger sister for… why? I don’t know, I was having a hard time decrypting what was going on in this one. Anyway, Tommy turns up, possibly running straight from or to the set of Never Hike Alone 2, and everybody fights.

Also back for more is Darcy DeMoss, who apparently survived having her head smushed into the wall of an RV, as part of a bachelorette party that’s caught up in a traffic jam that Jason crashes, tearing up dozens, dozens, of schmucks by smashing their heads in doors, throwing spears, machetes, using drumsticks, his bare hands etc, etc.

Amusing and well done as some of these kills are, like before, they just go way too far in both number and violent excess, with heaps of nameless characters running around the woods before they’re disembowelled with little to no suspense. Dare I say it gets… boring?

Another actress from a Halloween sequel rocks up and I lived up to my psychic destiny be saying aloud a second before she did when asked: “You grew up here, didn’t you?”; “No, I grew up in Haddonfield.” Word for word. Then she dies, obvs. And one of the Ramones is here!?

But at least these guys are doing something. Part 3 awaited.

Blurbs-of-interest: Rob Mello was also in both Happy Death Day films; Darcy DeMoss was also in Return to Horror High; Tamara Glynn was in Halloween 5; Thom Mathews was also in Final Summer.

Pick n’ Mix

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candy corn 2019

CANDY CORN

2 Stars  2019/86m

“This year there’s a new Halloween tradition.”

Director/Writer: Josh Hasty / Cast: Courtney Gains, Pancho Moler, Nate Chaney, Jimothy Beckholt, Madison Russ, Cy Creamer, Caleb Thomas, Sky Elobar, P.J. Soles, Tony Todd.

Body Count: 8

So you’ve managed to bring in the of Candyman and a genre name from Children of the Corn – what can you call your film? Children of the Man? No, wait, Candy Corn!

Of these names, plus P.J. Soles, it’s only Gains who really ‘stars’ in Candy Corn, a bit of a nothingy tale of douchey smalltown teens who take their annual physical humiliation of local simpleton Jacob too far and end up killing him. He is resurrected by Moler’s travelling carnival witch doctor, given a creepy mask, and let loose to even the score.

One by one, those involved are gruesomely offed, while Gains’ sheriff tries to control the situation. Todd plays a doubting carnie, while Soles is behind the desk at the cop shop. Both probably appear for a combined total of maybe ten minutes?

There’s still some nice photography going on, adequate performances and a nice Halloweenie atmos, but it all feels like it was pulled out of the oven too soon.

Blurbs-of-interest: Gains can also be seen in The Landlady; Todd’s other credits include Final Destination‘s 1, 2, and 5, Hatchet‘s 1–2, Hell Fest, iMurders, Jack the Reaper, Scarecrow Slayer, and the third season of the Scream TV series; P.J. is also in Halloween, Innocent Prey, The Tooth Fairy, and Uncle Sam.

Nottie Knocks

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natty knocks 2023

NATTY KNOCKS

1.5 Stars  2023/95m

Director: Dwight Little / Writer: Benjamin Olson

Cast: Bill Moseley, Charlotte Fountain-Jardim, Thomas Robie, Noen Perez, Danielle Harris, Channah Zeitung, Robert Englund, Amit Sarin, Jason James Richter, Will Murden.

Body Count: 5

Dwight Little turned out what’s commonly regarded as one of the better Halloween sequels with 1988’s The Return of Michael Myers, and then the following year a slasher version of The Phantom of the Opera. So when you see his name alongside actors Danielle Harris, Bill Moseley, and crucially Robert Englund, you’d be forgiven for expecting something pretty damn special.

Alas, Natty Knocks is an endurance test from start to finish.

At Halloween, 1976, a group of angry housewives decide to take revenge on the titular local B-movie actress and town ho, who’s bedded all of their husbands and, they believe, practices witchcraft. As she burns in a shed, she screams that she’ll be back for revenge.

natty knocks 2023

47 years later – finally, not a multiple of five! – hard-up teens stealing copper to hawk for cash inadvertently spy a man ragging on a teenage girl through a window. When the girl is reported missing, they second guess their initial assumption of a domestic, but don’t want top get themselves in trouble. Eventually, teen babysitter Britt learns of this and goes to the cops. But the cop that she goes to is the assailant, who spends his time watching Natty’s movies projected on to a sheet.

After an hour, during which there’s only been one kill, things start to happen, but it’s so muddled and rudderless it’s almost impossible to tell what’s going on. Characters who previously seemed to have only the most vague connections to others are revealed to live with them, there’s a demon that appears behind doors, some people are abducted and forced to watch the B-movies. Why? I dunno, some possession thing so she can return to life. It really wasn’t clear.

natty knocks 2023 robert englund

With a victim count of just three, there are around 6-7 characters milling around at the end, and no real sense of closure to anything. So much time is spent around this bizarre copper-theft plan, that there’s almost no time remaining when the main act should be in full swing, and things fizzle out disappointingly.

A waste of talent.

Blurbs-of-interest: Both Englund and Harris are in Urban Legend together, and both Harris and Moseley are in Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet together; Englund played Freddy Krueger in eight Elm Street movies, and is also in Heartstopper, Behind the Mask, Hatchet, and The Phantom of the Opera. Danielle Harris was also in Camp Dread, ChromeSkull: Laid to Rest 2, The Town That Dreaded Sundown, See No Evil 2, Hatchet‘s 2-4, and four different Halloween instalments. Moseley was also in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and Texas Chainsaw 3D, Home Sick, and Silent Night Deadly Night 3.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes

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ruin me 2017

RUIN ME

2.5 Stars. 2017/88m

“They paid to be scared. They didn’t know how much it would cost them.”

Director/Writer: Preston DeFrancis / Writer: Trysta A. Bissett / Cast: Marcienne Dwyer, Matt Dellapina, Chris Hill, Eva Hamilton, John Odom, Sam Ashdown, Cameron Gordon.

Body Count: 8 …or 2?

Alexandra replaces her boyfriend Nathan’s sick friend on a weekend immersive horror experience – Slasher Sleepout – which aims to plonk a group of patrons into a horror situation, firing clues their way and generally trying to scare the pants off of them.

Naturally, this being a slasher film, things that they take to be a gag soon transpire to be very real. Or do they?

Inexperienced and recently out of rehab, Alex feels hugely out of place, but soon proves to be adept at solving the puzzles that show up along the way. Also along for the fun are goth escape room loving couple Pitch and Marina, geeky Larry, and Tim, who barely says a word. Various extras run around and try to frighten them, but when Alex finds a body in a tree (that has predictably disappeared as soon as someone else comes to her aid), she starts to believe it might not be a game.

Ruin Me tiptoes along this ambiguous line for the rest of its runtime – a Saw-like trap involving people tethered together on a wire that goes into the water while dragging someone else towards a tray-thing of spikes seems to convince us it’s all set up around Alex’s druggy history. But then it isn’t. But then it is again. Oyyy.

Despite fairly convincingly confusing us at each turn, there’s a very obvious outcome involving one particular character, which seemed inevitable from the start. Up to you.

The Other Side of Christmas

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it's a wonderful knife 2023

IT’S A WONDERFUL KNIFE

3.5 Stars  2023/88m

“Every time a bell rings, an angel gets to kill.”

Director: Tyler MacIntyre / Writer: Michael Kennedy / Cast: Jane Widdop, Joel McHale, Justin Long, Jess McLeod, Katharine Isabelle, Aiden Howard, Erin Boyes, Sean Depner, Hana Huggins, William B. Davis.

Body Count: 14

Laughter Lines: “Dad gets me a lesbian tracksuit, and you get a goddamn truck!?”

What will they think to convert to a slasher movie next? So close on Totally Killer‘s coattails that they could have children, It’s a Wonderful Knife, quite evidently, opts for the wish-I-was-never-born alternate universe composition. But how does it stack up against its time travel, body swap, and time loop brethren?

In the town of Angel Falls, smarmy mayor Henry Waters drags beleaguered realtor David Carruthers (the unrelenting eye candy that is Joel McHale) away from his family on Christmas Eve to try to convince an ageing local homeowner to sell his listed home so a mall can be built on the site. When the old man refuses, a maniac wearing a white angel mask shows up at his door later and slashes his throat, then goes after his teen granddaughter and her friends at a party. David’s children, gay footballer Jimmy, and keen photographer Winnie, are also there and manage not only to survive, but kill the Angel, who, to the surprise of nobody, is Mayor Waters.

it's a wonderful knife 2023

A year later, Winnie is still traumatised by what happened, while her family tries to move on. Sassy aunt Gale (Gale Prescott!!!) and her wife are over for Christmas, but everything just seems to be going wrong for Winnie: Mayor Waters’ brother Buck blames her for killing him, she catches her boyfriend having it away with her best friend, and she hasn’t gotten into NYU.

it's a wonderful knife 2023

Winnie shouts into the night that she wishes she’d never been born and the swirling Aurora Borealis above makes it so. She’s instantly attacked by the Angel Killer, who should be dead, and there’s suddenly a different sheriff who has no idea who she is. Winnie runs home and her parents don’t know her. Worse still, Jimmy was one of the Angel’s victims the previous year – because Winnie wasn’t there to save the day.

it's a wonderful knife 2023

Teaming up with outcast Bernie (known as Weirdo by most), she learns that the Angel has claimed almost 30 victims, the deaths of whom impacted family businesses in town, to the benefit of the not-dead-in-this-reality Mayor Waters. Once she manages to convince Bernie of her timeline-hopping, it’s a race to kill the Angel all over again before the Northern Lights fade away and won’t allow her to return home. Of course, things clearly won’t go to plan.

it's a wonderful knife 2023

It’s a Wonderful Knife goes at a pedal-to-the-metal speed through its plot, ultimately ending too soon, feeling like there was a lot more they could’ve done with the situational aspects of Winnie’s adventure. Some characters feel underdeveloped due to this, with little more to them than a name and sexuality (there’s a lot of LGBT representation here). Still, the Angel racks up a good bodycount, cutting his way through pretty much everyone.

While not quite up there with Freaky (from the same writer) or Totally Killer, there’s still a lot to like and the chases and slashings are on point. Katharine Isabelle is fun as the loose-lipped aunt Gale, and Justin Long leans into sleazy senator central as Waters, appearing to have a ball doing so. Sequel please.

it's a wonderful knife 2023

Blurbs-of-interest: Justin Long was in the first two Jeepers Creepers films; William B. Davis was also in Matinee; Katharine Isabelle was in Freddy vs Jason, Bones, and See No Evil 2; Tyler MacIntyre also directed Tragedy Girls.

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