Author Archives: Hud

Out of the closet, into a nightmare

nightmare_on_elm_street_2A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET PART 2: FREDDY’S REVENGE

3 Stars  1985/18/82m

“The man of your dreams is back.”

Director: Jack Sholder / Writer: David Chaskin / Cast: Mark Patton, Kim Myers, Robert Rusler, Clu Gulager, Hope Lange, Marshall Bell, Sydney Walsh, Robert Englund.

Body Count: 9-ish

Dire-logue: “Lisa, there’s a Jesse on the phone!”


Although often cited as the worst of the Elm Street franchise (a view I shared until a few years ago), Freddy’s Revenge, on a subtextual level to say the least, is actually pretty good viewing. Plus the fact that it’s so superbly 80s, even the metallic shininess that adorns the titles!

*shing!*

*shing!*

Although there’s enough evidence that this sequel was rushed into production without a lot of thought, at least the creators tried to vary the theme rather than provide a retread of the original and things begin magnificently with a creepy dreamscape that could rival some of those in #1 for effectiveness. Fears of kidnap, social inadequacy, and hell are realised almost perfectly in the sequence, which introduces us to our final boy, Jesse…

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Jesse and his family have recently moved into 1428 Elm Street and their teenage son is in Nancy’s old room and already having nightmares about a burnt, claw-fingered guy who, it seems, is more interesting in getting Jesse to do his bidding rather than just slashing him to death.

Jesse soon becomes torn between what’s real and what’s in his head and his parents naturally blame it all on drugs but then some murders occur: first his high school’s nasty gym coach in an exceptionally sexual manner (we’ll come on to that later), then his buddy Grady and some poor schmucks invited to love-interest Lisa’s pool party.

Lisa demonstrating what happens if you look like Meryl Streep and dress like Tiffany

Lisa demonstrating what happens if you look like Meryl Streep and dress like Tiffany

There’s no dream-stalking in Freddy’s Revenge, at least none that’s as clear cut as the other films. No, “oh shit, I’m asleep!” Only Jesse needs to stay awake and sometimes that doesn’t appear to work as Freddy cuts his way out to wreak havoc whenever he feels like it.

Elm Street 2 has a reputation as ‘the gay film’ in the series. Why? Well, from electing an effeminate boy as the lead who whines to Lisa that “he’s [Freddy] trying to get inside my body,” is a good start. Then there’s Nancy’s diary that quite literally comes out of the closet with insights. The aforementioned gym teech is into S&M and catches Jesse in a downtown gay bar before escorting him back to school where the coach is then tied to the showers, stripped, whipped and slashed by Freddy before the showers spurt blood in a bizarre ejaculative gesture. It’s worth noting that furiously chewing gum has never succeeded in making ghostly things depart for future reference.

elm4Jesse – it’s in the name! – shrieks in a high-pitched voice much of the time before Freddy literally comes out of him to take over and it eventually takes Lisa’s kiss to save the day. In effect, heterosexuality is what claims victory, re-repressing Freddy into the background and out of harms way.

There are those who criticise the film for being a ‘gay pride parade’ but it couldn’t be more the other way if it tried. 80s America wasn’t really much of a ticker tape parade for homosexuality at the best of times and the film paints quite a marginalised portrait: the thing that lurks inside trying to take over is evil and must be repressed. Quite the celebratory message indeed.

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Is it worth pointing out the irony of these people who moan about diverse sexuality being explored in a film series where the central character is a child molester? I’d bet they’re the same ones who whinge when there are no tits on display. It’s OK, look, there’s an undead kiddie-fiddler instead!

Anyway, back in the black and white world of horror cinema, Freddy’s Revenge fails on several levels: there are only two ‘proper’ murders, although both are good, not enough of the skipping-rope chant, the acting is all over the place and Patton doesn’t make much of a sympathetic hero and it’s really Meryl Streep-a-like Myers who does the legwork. Freddy though, looks great and at his scariest with a sort of moist quality to his skin (ew!) and the final shock is amusing.

Why be scared of Freddy when there's a giant poster of Limahl over your bed!?

Why be scared of Freddy when there’s a giant poster of Limahl over your bed!?

Who knows what writer Chaskin was trying to achieve here? Parts of it work and parts don’t, but it all looks well made and it’s certainly different and betters – at least – parts 5 and Freddy’s Dead.

Blurbs-of-interest: Jack Sholder edited The Burning and directed Alone in the Dark; Christie Clark (Jesse’s little sister) was later in Children of the Corn II; Marshall Bell was in Identity; Clu Gulager was in The Initiation; Englund appeared in Behind the Mask, Hatchet, Heartstopper, The Phantom of the Opera and Urban Legend.

The only thing to fear is fear itself. And cars.

penny-dreadfulPENNY DREADFUL

3 Stars  2006/93m

“Don’t forget to breathe.”

Director: Richard Brandes / Writers: Diana Dionol-Valcroze, Arthur Flam & Richard Brandes / Cast: Rachel Miner, Mimi Rogers, Chad Todhunter, Liz Davies, Mickey Jones, Tammy Filor, Michael Berryman.

Body Count: 6

Dire-logue: “Do you wanna be a pathetic freak for the rest of your miserable life?”


What’s worse? Being stuck in your car for hours on end, say, in a traffic jam or waiting for someone… Or watching a film about someone stuck in a car for hours on end? Possibly watching the latter during the former.

Arguably, ‘real’ horror is found in inescapable situations rather than being chased through the woods by Jason, such is the objective of this choppy flick which, along with Dark Ride, was part of the 2007 ‘After Dark Horrorfest’. Although, Lake Dead was also featured in one of those and look how that turned out.

Ex-wife of Macaulay Culkin Miner does well with her character Penny, who has amaxophobia, a fear of cars, hereafter to be known as car-ophobia because it makes more sense to me. She picked this up by surviving the traffic accident that killed her parents some years earlier. Her therapist Orianna (Rogers) is intent on helping her past the problem by driving her out to the mountains where she and her folks were headed before. Two women driving into the wilderness is a new and refreshing opus, isn’t it?

Sure...it looks beautiful NOW

Sure…it looks beautiful NOW

On route, Orianna accidentally clips a hitchhiker in the dark and then offers the winter-coated stranger a lift down the road to a campsite. Hitcher, face shrouded by the hood, proves to be pretty bizarre, eating what appears to be a raw meat kebab, and the women are glad to be rid of him until they discover one of their tyres has been pierced with a barbecue skewer…

Orianna heads off to find better phone reception, leaving Penny alone in the car. The car she has car-ophobia of. In the woods. In the dark.

penny3Penny freaks out and goes to look for Orianna but instead encounters the creepy hitcher and knocks herself unconscious fleeing from him. She wakes up later to find herself back in the car with Orianna’s dead body and discovers the car has been wedged tightly between two trees: the doors won’t open, the glass won’t break, the keys are AWOL.

Claustro-amaxo-car-ophobia panic ensues as the options are struck off one by one and some extra victims are provided by a couple of forest workers and the woman one of them is secretly shagging – but it’s all about Penny and the car.

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Given the lack of space allocated to the set, things begin to get as boring as being sat in a car for hours on end would be as time grinds on. Yeah, so there’s a throat slashing every now and then and the killer returns to torment Penny and cuts off her toe but I soon find myself obliviously doodling the word ‘boring’ on my notepad as the seconds on the DVD display seemed to tick-tock over at an ever-decreasing speed.

The eventual outcome of things houses a twist that the producers probably thought would provide an astounded ‘oooh’ from the audience is simply too little too late. This sliding scale into disappointment like an hourglass of gloom steals a lot from this sometimes atmospheric chiller, which would’ve been far better as a 45-minute late night TV special, proving there’s only so much you can do with a girl stuck in a car.

So the title is an open-invitation for ridicule but Penny Dreadful is good (enough) once. Italics should be strictly observed in that sentence: you won’t want to watch this twice, even if Michael Berryman appears as the chirpy gas station attendant.

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Blurbs-of-interest: If you don’t know that Berryman was in both of Craven’s Hills Have Eyes films then slap yourself upside yo head now. Not knowing he was also in Deadly Blessing and, more recently, Mask Maker, is forgivable.

Blame it on the boogey

boogeyman3BOOGEYMAN 3

2 Stars  2008/15/91m

“She left for college and terror followed.”

Director: Gary Jones / Writer: Brian Sieve / Cast: Erin Cahill, Chuck Hittinger, Mimi Michaels, George Maguire, Matt Rippy, Nikki Sanderson, Elyes Gabel, W.B. Alexander, Jayne Wisner, Kate Maberly.

Body Count: 9


Boogeyman 2 successfully managed to untangle the wretched mess left by the 2004 original film by turning the crappy CG-laden horror-for-kids premise into an on-point slasher film with some brutality to it. Unfortunately, Boogeyman 3 enters the party, trips over the table and sends all the nicely rearranged apparel over the floor before slipping over and landing on it, crushing anything good that may have survived.

OK, so it’s still better than the first one but out goes the guy-in-a-mask and in steps another ‘genuine’ monster (looking like a zombie Alice Cooper), which has followed Tobin Bell’s daughter back to the college dorm where she lives (and subsequently dies) and proceeds to kill off her group of friends.

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The trick here is that the moment you believe in the curse, you become susceptible to it and so the only way to survive is not to believe – difficult when your pals are turning up dead. Even with the body count scenario, this is a lot more like The Grudge films than a slasher movie with the usual stereotype characters led by ex-Power Ranger Cahill’s not-so-competent final girl, atrocious special effects work and wobbly acting, making it a chore to sit through.

A couple of minor chills shouldn’t prevent you slamming the closet door shut on this franchise.

Blurbs-of-interest: Brian Sieve also wrote the previous (better) instalment; Gary Jones directed Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter’s Cove and Axe Giant.

Ungraded…the only thing worse than a fail

final-examFINAL EXAMINATION

1 Stars  2002/94m

“You fail. You die.”

Director: Fred Olen Ray [as Ed Raymond] / Writers: Sean O’Bannon & Kimberly A. Ray / Cast: Kari Wuhrer, Brent Huff, Debbie Rochon, Amy Lindsay, Richard Gabai, Robert Donovan, Jason Schnuit, Belinda Gavin, Winton Nicholson, Kalau Iwaoka, Kim Maddox.

Body Count: 7

Dire-logue: “Just spell my name right, it’s Shane with a C…” what!?


A girl drives off the end of an unfinished bridge. Five years later, a cop busts a drug dealer and is then reassigned to Hawaii as a reward. In Hawaii, the sorority sisters from Big Island University have gathered for a reunion sponsored by a glamour magazine, which they are being photographed for by a wasted Rochon. Someone tries to murder them – failing, more often than not – reassigned dick and Kari Wuhrer (remembered by me as the “not J-Lo” female in Anaconda) investigate.

That’s Final Examination for you. It has nothing remotely to do with exams at all, bar the staggering two sorority victims found with test papers marked ‘Failed’ floating nearby. Instead, Fred Olen Ray’s (shoulda known!) dismal little flick is a thinly disguised softcore skin flick. The only examination present is the one the camera oversees while various starlets take showers or just walk around topless…

The cast look ridiculously bored and the police procedural plot (far outweighing any horror) is like a really boring episode of NCIS. There’s an equally insipid backstory unfurled to do with co-ed pregnancy, dirty tricks and cover ups that relate back to the dead chick and bitchy sorority alumnus Kristen – who doesn’t even die!

Ray overcompensates boredom with too many twists, none of which even flirt with being exciting. Turns out there are but three killers, all siblings of the dead girl and between them they manage to off a massive four people. Pathetic.

Chuck in a lieutenant named Hugh Janus and a scene where Kristen brandishes a gun several minutes before the killer busts through a door and attacks her friend. Does she shoot him? No. She hits him with the damn thing. The film finally ends with the dialogue “uh…yeah,” which appears to accurately sum up the opinion all involved likely have when asked about the film.

To spell it out for you in case you, like me, are hell bent on seeing ’em all: Final Examination is not a good bad film, it’s really, really, REALLY boring, which is a far worse sin than simply being shit.

Blurbs-of-shame: Belinda Gavin was in Scarecrow. Ray also directed Scalps. Debbie Rochon has been in American Nightmare, Bleed, Blood Relic and Head Cheerleader, Dead Cheerleader.

The Hills Have Glam Metal, Big Hair & Swedish Accents

btBLOOD TRACKS

1.5 Stars  1985/18/85m

“The mountains echoed with the screams of terror.”

Director: Mike Jackson [Mats Helge] / Writers: Mike Jackson & Anna Wolf / Cast: Jeff Harding, Naomi Keneda, Michael Fitzpatrick, Brad Powell, Harriet Tobinson, Peter Merrill, Tina Shaw, Frances Kelly, Karina Lee, Helena Jacks.

Body Count: 18

Dire-logue: “Look at their women – evil! They deserve to die.”


I love 80s nostalgia. Even though I can’t remember much before 1987, I always look back and smile, while listening to We Built This City. However, all rose-tinted hindsight is usually just a front for some black clouds, for us: Thatcher, yuppie-culture, the Sinclair C5 and Spandau Ballet. The legions of straight to video horror films that also belong in this category can also include this dismal Swedish affair, Blood Tracks, which uses one of the lowest form of horror cliches – thrash metal – as the centrepiece for a Hills Have Eyes-rip set in the mountains.

Solid Gold, a bad marriage of Kiss and Aerosmith on a bad hair day, are to shoot their new promo video in the snowy mountains of your stock small town where, forty years earlier, a woman stuck a knife in the back of her abusive husband and fled to the hills with her sons.

These socially-starved freaks, naturally now deformed and homicidal, aren’t too impressed by sheer amount of trespassing hair – likely causing a solar eclipse – and set about doing away with Solid Gold and their entourage, including their airhead dancers/girlfriends after they are stranded by an avalanche, which fails to stop the female cast members prancing around nude.

Why are there no remotely interesting horror movies about heavy metal bands and death? Seriously, none of them are any good. To make things worse, the film has been developed with such a low exposition that it’s near impossible to see what’s happening nor tell any of the characters apart. The band all look the same, as do the dancers and everyone else dies so early on it makes no difference.

Badly dubbed into English, I later read that Solid Gold were, in reality, a real life band called Easy Action! I wonder if even they still possess a copy of this turkey.

I can forgive Sweden for this faux pas; they gave us Volvo’s, ABBA, Roxette and decent Eurovision entries most years. I expect multiple copies of Blood Tracks are stacked up in a sauna somewhere…

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