Author Archives: Hud

“That’s NOT cranberry sauce!”

BLOOD RAGE

3 Stars  1983/83m

“Not all the evil is on Elm Street.”

A.k.a. Complex / Nightmare at Shadow Woods

Director: John W. Grissmer / Writer: Richard Lamden / Cast: Louise Lasser, Mark Soper, Julie Gordon, James Farrell, Chad Montgomery, Lisa Randall, Jayne Bentzen, Marianne Kanter, William Fuller.

Body Count: 11

Dire-logue: “Just talking about the bad old days when guys were horny all the time…”


For absolutely no valid reason, a young boy embeds an axe into the face of some guy at a drive-in in Jacksonville and blames it on his shocked identical twin, who lapses into a state of catatonia and is carted off to the funny farm.

Ten years later, the innocent brother escapes from the institute on Thanksgiving, coinciding with the twins’ mother announcing her engagement to her boyfriend, which prompts the other son to pick up the carving knives for a little more than slicing up the turkey, taking out the residents of their apartment complex and handily blaming bro.

Convoluted premise aside, things take off pretty quickly and the blade-swingin’ evil twin has sooned chopped, slashed or impaled most of the cast until only dippy virginal good girl Karen, some random baby, and Mom remain to witness to twins’ final showdown, which is topped off with a downbeat, slightly confusing twist.

This seldom seen retread of Halloween sat unreleased until 1987 but makes the best out of its predictability and even tosses in some jovial humour along the way – thanks mainly to the cheesy evil twin schtick, ambitious but crappy gore effects (witness the severed hand that continues moving) and plentiful dire-logue, which makes Blood Rage look like a parody of itself without even trying. And it’s still ten times funnier than Wacko.

Dire-logue’s Greatest Hits Volume 1: Stating the Obvious

Someone recently asked for a list of my favourite dire-logue, those inspired insights by characters created sometimes by clever scribes but more often the consequences of hopeless screenwriting and dreadful delivery from the actors.

So, here are the first facepalm verbal tics, in this edition celebrating characters who adorned the colours of one Captain Obvious – like this guy…

ABSURD (1981): (Examining a hacked up corpse) “I’m no doctor but I don’t think it looks good.”

THE BABY DOLL MURDERS (1992): “With a serial killer there’s always a pattern: he hates his mother, he hates his father, all women are whores…something!”

BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006): “I’m really not OK with any of this… I mean, buying a Christmas present for a serial killer?”

BLOOD CULT (1985): “We do not need serial killers on this campus.”

FALLEN ANGELS (2002): “Cutting the power, cutting the phonelines – he’s planned ahead.”

THE FOREST (1982): “I don’t know about splitting up, it’s not usually a good idea.”

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2 (1981): “Axes, knives, saws – they can all be dangerous.”

HACK-O-LANTERN (1987): “Ever since my dad died on Halloween night, this day really seems to affect [my mom].”

NEW YEAR’S EVIL (1980): “He’s mutilated the breasts of most of his women, that’s a common characteristic of a psychopathic killer.”

SCALPS (1983): “Defiling the graves of the dead will only anger their souls.”

SPLATTER UNIVERSITY (1984): “The killer is obviously a psychopath and cannot be reasoned with.”

URBAN LEGEND (1998): “It’s like someone out there’s taking all these stories – and making them reality!”

I know what you did 25 summers ago

RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP

3 Stars  2003-2008/87m

“Kids can be so mean.”

Director/Writer: Robert Hiltzik / Cast: Felissa Rose, Vincent Pastore, Paul DeAngelo, Michael Gibney, Jonathan Tiersten, Erin Broderick, Michael Werner, Brye Cooper, Jackie Tohn, Katie Simses, Adam Wylie, Christopher Shand, Shahida McIntosh, Jaime Radow, Isaac Hayes, Lent Venito.

Body Count: 9

Dire-logue: “Well look who’s here – Camp Problem Child.”


Das warningen: spoilers follow…

There are some films where the production legacies draw more attention and hysteria than the films themselves. The 1980 Jaws rip-off The Last Shark is one: pulled from cinemas only weeks into its release after Universal sued for plagiarism. Unfortunately for audiences, these events are more interesting than the movie is. The same can almost be said for Return to Sleepaway Camp

Production of this belated sequel to the 1983 cult sleeper took five long years with the film eventually surfacing on DVD at the end of 2008 after numerous re-toolings and the end product is, well, an interesting mish-mash of good and bad.

Let’s back pedal a bit and recap. Hiltzik wrote and directed the first film, which gained notoreity for its shocking coda that the shy teenage girl not only turned out to be the psycho killer but was also anatomically a boy. In the late 80s video sequels, fully-female Angela returned as a puritanical counsellor at a new summer camp to slaughter bad kids. A third sequel began production in 1992 but was shut down when the company went broke.

With fans of the films divided between those who love the original and those who love the campy 80s sequels (put me in the latter category), the internet age ushered in enough love to prompt Hiltzik to create his own direct sequel, ignoring (but not totally unfurling) parts II and III.

Return to Sleepaway Camp takes us to Camp Manabe and brings back original counsellor Ronnie (DeAngelo) as part owner. Kids play pranks and mess about, smoke dope and uniformally pick on Alan (Gibney), a chubby, hulking kid with a very bizarre personality. Alan may be the victim of choice for the popular kids but is equally cruel to those around him, whines and plays for sympathy from the counsellors and never seems to change his clothes.

Alan is egged, ganged up on during a paintball match and sees his beloved frogs skinned by a couple of nasty little scrotes. He only has eyes for the resident popular blonde but when she participates in one last gag, even her safety is no longer guaranteed…Those who torment Alan eventually begin to meet nasty ends: the sleazy kitchen assistant ends up deep-fried (see September’s Icky Ways to Go), a stoner is forced to toke the joint from hell and the camp owner is eaten alive by rats. Ronnie is first to cry Angela but she’s institutionalized… However, the pacing of the killings doesn’t necessarily match Alan’s meltdown: he eventually snaps around halfway through the film, at which point a couple of people are already dead. And what about Angela? How does she fit in to all this?

The scene-to-scene cohesion is one of the problems with RTSC, which can’t seem to decide how to play out with coherence. Alan is the centrepiece of the film but it’s not clear whether he’s going to be the killer or the hero? Either way, the character ranks as one of the most hideous incarnations to ever (dis)grace the screen. Any sympathy ramped up from the numerous humiliations Alan suffers is dissipated soon after by his nightmare attitude, he often leaves situations he’s created by saying “your ass stinks!” to whomever he’s clashed with.

On the plus side of the fence, we get to see Ricky again and, yes, Angela does make an appearance and yes she is the killer, having been disguised all along – rather feebly – as a character who keeps cropping up. The camp setting is well worked and the comings and goings of the campers is convincing enough.

The crowded background cast gets in the way to some degree; the group of nasty kids mostly meet their deserved ends but some are spared and other victims are still hanging in when they’re found. Angela selects her prey rather haphazardly, going in with a scattergun approach and offing as many as she can during the last half hour or so, including one poor guy’s dick being attached by wire to the towbar of a jeep his spooked girlfriend flees in. Ow is the word.

I did garner some enjoyment from the film. It looks pretty good and the performances are more than adequate for the genre (DeAngelo’s quite possibly excluded) but it’s a real mess that even five years of re-cutting, Felissa Rose’s sixty seconds on camera and an Isaac Hayes cameo can’t untangle and it’s in dire need of a strong lead character, something the original didn’t have either.

I love summer camp slasher flicks and clasp my hands in prayer for more but if the mooted Sleepaway Camp Reunion goes ahead, it’ll need to step up the game considerably to out-do Michael A. Simpson’s made for video sequels, which, by rights should suck but are somehow the heart of the series.

She’ll be back…?

Blurbs-of-interest: Rose, Tiersten and DeAngelo all returned from the original; Rose was also in Camp Dread and Victor Crowley; Isaac Hayes was in Uncle Sam; Adam Wylie was the lead evil brat in Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror.

Pant-Soiling Scenes #14: POLTERGEIST

When I was about 10 I caught about 5 minutes of Poltergeist on TV and had a nightmare I can still vividly remember to this day… A creaky old rocking chair in my folks’ bedroom, diving down the stairs to scramble out the front door. <shudder>

Weirdly, the film feels more like ET with a few chills when I watch it now. But it’s undeniably brilliant and, while not particularly scary, certain parts still give me the willies, including this, that creepy-ass tree through the window bit…

Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening little Robbie Freeling, who attempts to count away the storm, only for it to get closer until creepy-ass tree busts throw the window and tries to eat him while little Carol Anne shrieks in the background.

Trees are oft scary and under utilized in contemporary horror. For kids, they’re up there with pylons, shadows and the closet door that won’t close. The ‘Geist gets all this spot on, thus earning itself a spot in the P.S.S. list.

Guilty almost-pleasures

BACK SLASH

2 Stars  2005/88m

“Watch your back!”

Director/Writer: Kevin Campbell / Cast: Gretchen Akers, Laura Brnuer, Steven J. Burge, Robin Fisher, Scott Becker, Bart Shattuck, Kira Lynn, Jean-Pierre Parent, Tara Platt.

Body Count: 7

Dire-logue: “I’m a double major: computer science and history… My virginity is not a choice.”


I’m in a generous mood. On any other day this crappy film would scrape a solitary star because it’s not just bad in a cheap way, it makes almost no sense, has tons of bizarre plot holes and is atrociously acted. So why two stars instead of one? We’ll get to that…

A trio of college boys are making a sleazy camcorder slasher flick called Death Blood at their small town community college when the bitchy actress throws a strop when she gets a call from an LA agent that interrupts a scene. She storms off and gets a knife in the back from a loon dressed, of course, in the same getup at the movie killer.

The murder makes the news, as does the fact that the girl was featured on the school’s Hottest Chicks website, run by the sleazy filmmaker Ledo, who has no intentions of taking it down, even after the replacement actress winds up dead, her liver removed as per the first victim, her last movements also including a call from an LA agent.

Ledo begins talking up bimbette Amie to star in the film and features both her and brainiac Martha on the Hottest Chicks site and the girls fear they will be the killer’s next targets. As polar opposites, they bicker and finally work together to try and find out who the killer is.

It could be Martha’s dorky best friend Willie, who carries a torch for her but hates the airhead girls… Or police academy failure, Mr Bates, the campus security officer… What about the FBI agent-turned-teacher of criminology?

Things get complicated two thirds of the way through as it appears the killer murders one of the film dorks but spares his actress, who is possibly Amie’s sister Emily. I dunno, it was confusing and nobody ever mentions it again. Who was the victim in the chair in Martha’s house who disappeared?

Back Slash earns its second star by altering the expected turn of events and having Martha and Amie act as sort of dual final girls: one smart nerdy feminist and a semi-literate wannabe actress who’ll have sex with anyone. If nothing more, it lends to some amusing Dire-logue:

– “What is it with serial killers using all three names: John Wayne Gacy, John Wilkes Booth, Jack the Ripper?”

…and later:

– “You’re a pathetic loser and your piece of shit movie’s going straight to cable!”

Once the killer is revealed – and contrary to the film’s crudness, it’s not that obvious – he attempts to rob Martha of her well-publicised virginity and she manages to slice his cock off. Now, most men would freak out at this but our killer carries on fighting with her and only seems bothered when Martha drops the severed member in the garbage disposal.

I’m obviously delirious, the film honestly sucks. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Argh. I didn’t mind it for reasons unknown but you probably will so when you watch it and hate it, don’t say I didn’t disclaim this! ‘Cos I did. Right here. Right now.

Blurb-of-interest: Tara Platt was in Scarecrow Gone Wild.

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