Author Archives: Hud

Jason takes the slow boat

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN

3 Stars  1989/18/96m

“New York has a new problem.”

Director/Writer: Rob Hedden / Cast: Jensen Daggett, Scott Reeves, Barbara Bingham, Peter Mark Richman, Kane Hodder, V.C. Dupree, Martin Cummins, Sharlene Martin, Kelly Hu, Saffron Henderson, Warren Munson, Gordon Currie, Alex Diakun.

Body Count: circa 26

Dire-logue: “He’s come back…and you’re all gonna die!”


The first Friday the 13th film I ever saw was ironically – at the time – the last. BBC1 used to play Jason Takes Manhattan a fair bit way back when, due to its comparative lack of grue. Nevertheless, first time I saw it I still almost crapped myself.

This one and Part VII: The New Blood are well suited bedfellows. Both saw declining box office returns where the series’ main competitor, A Nightmare on Elm Street, soared to ever greater heights, leaving Camp Crystal Lake in the dust. By 1989, both franchises as well as Halloween were all spiralling towards failure and it’s interesting to note that all three pretty much gave up for a time, with Freddy returning for his Final Nightmare in 1991; New Line would soon snatch up the rights to Jason to put him to bed (for a while) in 1993 and Michael Myers addicts had to wait six years for the next Halloween instalment.

Jason Takes Manhattan was Paramount’s final word on their shameful cash cow, who’d harvested shitloads of profit but almost as much disdain from moral guardian critics and during production it was intended to be Jason’s final outing. Go out with a bang eh? Well, not quite. But let’s go about this in the same was as The New Blood and examine how things unfold before we pick it apart…

Credits: This was actually the first Friday not to have a pre-credits sequence and also not have block-white font on a black background.

05 min – “We’re right around that summer camp where all those murders took place…” I quite like this part, in place of the campfire tale, Jason has become a real urban legend.

07 min “Stop screwing around!”

08 min In Part VI, Jason went to the bottom of the lake with gloves, which he no longer had when Tina resurrected him in VII and now he has them again.

13 min Peter Mark Richman (McCulloch) played Suzanne Somers’ dad in Three’s Company.

How does Crystal Lake connect to the Atlantic??

16 min LOVE that dancing, especially the girl with the long dark hair in the white blouse and black skirt. She got it!

19 min “Don’t be a dweeb, Wayne.”

21 min – This song is Broken Dream by Terry Crawford. Alas, what you hear is all there is. It was never a full track. Shame, because it rocks!

25 min – “He’s undefeated…” – you can tell where that’s going.

29 min – The boxer originally received darts in the eyes but the boring old MPAA kicked up one of their no-fun storms. The scene was finally included on the Deluxe Edition.

39 min – They kill Tamara off way too early. She had a lot more bitching to do.

41 min Neither Sean nor Rennie got changed into dry clothes after falling overboard!

46 min Eva’s criss-crossed suspenders are awesome.

49 min – Yet again, lose your specs in a slasher film and you’re blind as a bat!

53 min – Gordon Currie (Miles) is sixth billed and doesn’t have a single line of dialogue in the entire movie!

54 min – …Unless “Aaaarrggghh!” counts?

60 min – Toby the dog had run off last time we saw him, now he’s in the boat. How’d he get down the ladder?

66 min “Let’s split up…” Ugh, do they never learn?

72 min – Why doesn’t Julius at least try to remove the mask rather than punch plastic?

76 min That’s actually a pretty neat dissolve there!

82 min – Always time for kissing during times of carnage.

87 min – “There’s a maniac trying to kill us!” / “Welcome to New York.”

88 min The greasy chef is Ken Kirzinger, who played Jason in Freddy vs. Jason.

The film is endlessly problematic. The most common complaint being the cheater title, Rob Hedden was restricted by the budget but had planned on scenes at the Empire State Building and the Brooklyn Bridge. But why are there only two teachers for about fifty kids? And only four crew members? Is there a chef? Bar staff? A DJ? And if Crystal Lake is in New Jersey, who long would it even take to cruise to the Big Apple? Banking on fans of the series having an IQ of about 23, Paramount obviously overlooked these gaping holes and just hoped for the best in this ill-thought out concept. But then it’s Part VIII how many franchises get that far?

Jason’s apparent new found ability to teleport is grating. Consistency was never a strong point in Friday the 13th Part Anything but such giant changes this late in the game were bizarre, as were the supernatural connotations when Rennie encountered the sometimes-malformed, sometimes-not young Jason.

But for me, what required alot more work was the heroes themselves. Jensen Daggett has the look and the vulnerability but as a final girl she’s dull and pedestrian, standing out only by the amount of screentime she’s allocated and the shortcuts made by the script to establish her as worthy of survival rather than fighting for it. Equally uninteresting is Sean, who, like Rennie, is full of parental pressure broodiness and we learn nothing else about him.

The other characters are pale Xeroxes of those from The New Blood: Rennie’s uncle McCulloch fulfills the Terry Kiser role as nasty authoritarian while the nice female teacher is Tina’s mom; Tamara is a diluted Melissa and Wayne stands in for dorky Eddie but does okay out of his limited role as film geek. It’s almost as if the script from Part VII was handed to Hedden with a post-it stuck on the front that said: Do this again on a boat with the end bit in New York (which will be Vancouver, really).

Even though it’s likely one of the worst in the series (I think Jason X is a tad worse) and runs about ten minutes too long, I’m quite partial to watching this one every couple of years. The late 80’s charm has got it going on from JJ’s great hair and guitar to Wayne’s ma-hoosive camera and memories of the era itself: I can clearly remember the film ‘premiering’ on Cable TV with a shot of Jason in the boat-disco. Good nostalgia, disappointing reality – it’s rare I’d say a gimmicky film wasn’t gimmicky enough.

Blurbs-of-interest: Gordon Currie actually landed the lead – and spoke! – in The Fear: Resurrection. Sharlene Martin played the final girl (under the name Melissa Martin) in the dismal Possession: Until Death Do You Part. After Jason was recast, Hodder donned new makeup to play Victor Crowley in Hatchet and its sequel and can also be found in Behind the Mask, Hack! and Children of the Corn V; Todd Shaffer was in Mirage the following year under the name Todd Schaefer.

Dog Days Are Over

A different take on Stock Background Characters 101 this month as VeVo appreciates the literal underdogs of slasher film – the faithful canine.

Dogs needn’t worry about going in or out of style, they retain their lovable auras regardless of big perms and mullets with nothing but a jangly collar and sometimes a neckerchief. Gotta love that.

There are many pets in slasher films, some fish, budgies, but mostly cats that leap out of wardrobes with perfect timing to scare the beejeezus out of the inquisitive final girl and dogs that sense trouble long before their masters. They try to warn them but, much like children, nobody really knows/cares what they’re on about. Regardé:

“Woof woof woof woof woof. Woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof” Trans: “There’s someone outside. Look out. …I want some kibble.”

Let us celebrate the best dogs of the slasher realm…

LESTER from Halloween

Breed: German Shepherd

Owners: The family Wallace

Skillset: Senses danger early, loves Lindsay Wallace, hates Annie Brackett. Growls a lot.

Hug-a-bility: 42% – if you’re a Wallace.

Fate: Tragic early doggie victim of Michael Myers. Poor Lester. Sadface.

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MUFFIN from Friday the 13th Part 2

Breed: floppy, lapdog thing1?

Owner: Terry

Skillset: Wandering off to find backwoods-dwelling psychos, providing false sense of safety and does it all with a cute purple ribbon in her hair.

Hug-a-bility: 66%

Fate: Unknown, last seen alive (along with Paul), hope she canters off to safety.

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BEAST from The Hills Have Eyes Part II

Breed: German Shepherd

Owner: Ruby, I think

Skillset: Can save people from evil mutants not once, but twice! Capable of flashing back to experiences that occurred six years earlier. Has adorable Littlest Hobo-style neckerchief.

Hug-a-bility: 71% (if he likes you)

Fate: Saves the day again! Yay@Beast!

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JASON from A Nightmare on Elm Street 4

Breed: uhh…Collie-cross?

Owner: Kincaid

Skillset: Jason crosses into the dreamscape with Kincaid and is able to piss a fire that resurrects Freddy Krueger. In a dream.

Hug-a-bility: 88% (as long as you’re awake)

Fate: Survives! Comes-a-waggin’ when Kincaid gets de-gangstered by FK.

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SUNDAE from Halloween 4

Breed: Golden Retriever

Owners: The Carruthers

Skillset: Can make little orphaned Jamie Lloyd feel better when she has nightmares or nasty kids pick on her.

Hug-a-bility: 100%

Fate: Another of Myers’ poor innocent doggie victims. Sadface #2.

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TOBY from Friday the 13th Part VIII

Breed: Collie

Owner: Rennie

Skillset: This lucky puppy gets to cruise to New York City and demonstrates that dogs can climb up and down ladders to and from lifeboats. Barks at thugs and flees when told to do so.

Hug-a-bility: 97%

Fate: After scooting and thus missing having to trudge through sewers, alleys and diners, Toby pleases us all by appearing unscathed at the end, neckerchief n’ all!

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MAX from Halloween 5

Breed: Doberman

Owner: Rachel Carruthers

Skillset: Barky, scary doggie charged with protecting Rachel around October 31st. Fails to bite annoying friend Tina though.

Hug-a-bility: 11%

Fate: Max becomes yet another dead dawg to add to the pile on Michael Myers’ karmic epitaph. Although it’s clear that the dog pictured is a cuddly toy with some ketchup on it.

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HOOTIE from Urban Legend

Breed: Westie

Owner: Parker

Skillset: Hootie the fraternity dog drinks beer, has a pierced nose and scampers around the place bringing joy to all.

Hug-a-bility: 100%

Fate: Poor Hootie becomes the test subject in a recreation of the legend about the old lady who microwaves her wet dog. Ewwww.

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Unknown Dogs* from Flashback

*I couldn’t be bothered to decipher the abysmal dubbing to try and capture their names.

Breeds: I dunno, to be honest. There’s this dog on the left and another Westie-type pup later on.

Owners: Dog #1 – Janette’s family, Dog #2 – Ella

Skillsets: Dog #1 is nice to children and eats M&Ms; Dog #2 is a bit of a cute pest and interrupts sex.

Hug-a-bility: mean average of 76%

Fates: Pictured dog is sickled by the dress-wearing killer of the prologue and Westie-type dog is chopped in half by the dress-wearing killer of the rest of the film. A cat is shoved in a blender as well. This film was not a regular at PETA demos.

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CHEROKEE from Scream 3

Breed: Golden Retriever – but very red

Owner: Sidney Prescott

Skillset: He can make poor Sidney feel better about her frankly crap existence and all the people who keep trying to kill her for various contrived reasonage.

Hug-a-bility: 100%

Fate: Cherokee lives to see more country walks – yay!

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MAC from Jeepers Creepers II

Breed: Retriever cross

Owner: The Taggart family

Skillset: Mac is a lazy farmdog who loves the Taggart family and barks and howls when he senses that all ain’t right in yonder cornfield. Alas, this all comes too late and little Billy has already been snatched by the evil Creeper when those around him start to believe the dog.

Hug-a-bility: 83%

Fate: Yay! Survival against the odds. Guess he doesn’t have anything the Creepers needs.

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Feral dog clan from See No Evil

Breeds: Mixed

Owners: Nothin’ but the wind, baby

Skillset: Eating teenage animal rights protesters who happen to be suspended upside down – and bleeding.

Hug-a-bility: 29% (high chance of fleas)

Fates: They live paw-to-mouth. Hopefully Cesar Milan will come to their aid.

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REGGIE B from Simon Says

Breed: Is that a Poodle?

Owner: Blonde camper woman

Skillset: Little Reggie B is adept to finding and picking up severed hands as gifts for his owner.

Hug-a-bility: after doing that, 36%

Fate: stamped into oblivion by nasty Crispin Glover. Relaaax, it was clearly a toy dog. Owners then annihilated so probably for the best.

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Quartet of Killer Dogs from Wilderness

Breed: German Shepherds / Alsatians (aren’t these the same thing?)

Master: Psycho Killer Soldier Man

Skillset: Super-highly trained military dogs-of-destruction, these handsome creatures’ bites are far worse than their barks. Can eat Sean Pertwee in seconds.

Hug-a-bility: 3% unless you’ve got the whistle

Fates: one of them takes a fall over a cliff edge while another is decapitated. The surviving pair presumably find love on the island and start a family of happy little puppies in preparation for Wilderness 2: Return to Killer Dog Island of DEATH!!!

* * *

Conclusions drawn: Some dogs live, some dogs die, some dogs eat people on command. Beast is clearly the best dog to have around when psychopaths are after you. Listen to your dog when he begins growling and barking for no apparent/visible reason – something bad’s about to go down!

Other worthy mentions: Gordon, the dog who leapt out of a window to get the fuck outta there when Jason was on the prowl in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (did he jump or was he pushed? Well, the J-Man was in the basement 5 seconds later so I’m going for jump). Ebus, the dog from Poltergeist who pawed at thin air and ate unwanted waffles.

Rubbish films that don’t deserve long reviews

…And no screencaps either, God damn it! They suck, so adding what I believe to be ‘good shots’ from any of them might only pique your interest. And then you’ll go and watch them, realise I was right all along and come back yelling at me.

We’re going in order of what I think looks best.

MASK OF MURDER

1.5 Stars 1985/18/84m

“Who is innocent… Who is guilty… Who is safe… Who is next…?”

Director: Arne Mattson / Writer: Volodia Semitjov / Cast: Rod Taylor, Christopher Lee, Valerie Perrine, Sam Cook, Terrence Hardiman, Frank Brennan.

Body Count: 7


Look at those big-hitters: Christopher Lee! Rod Taylor! The guy who played The Demon Headmaster in The Demon Headmaster!

Lee reportedly turned down the role of Doc Loomis in Halloween and was perhaps therefore under the illusion that taking a clone of that role for this Scando-Canadian production might bathe that wound. How they sucked Taylor in is a mystery. Maybe Lee brought him in. Maybe Lee was already stuck like his legs were in a combine harvester and he held on to Taylor until both were dragged to their deaths career nadirs.

They and Sam Cook are cops in a small Canadian town where a loon in a shitty cotton mask is slicing the throats of young women. They find him and shoot him dead but only a few days later copycat killings begin – but whoooo could it beeeee?

Trouble is, MoM can’t make up its mind over being a slasher film or a cop film. The victims are presented as non-speaking plebs or women who ‘had it coming’ and there’s no heroine to speak of, no chase scenes, nada. We do get to see some frontal male nudity (gasp!) and there’s a boring subplot about an affair going on between one of the cops and the wife of the other one who isn’t Christopher Lee, because he’s in hospital for most of it.

The obnoxious twist ending is smug as can be but it doesn’t elevate this above being a bad combo meal of seasoned professionals surrounded by rank amateurs that has the audacity to rip off the far superior He Knows You’re Alone.

Blurbs-of-shame: Lee was in Sleepy Hollow and the even worse Funny Man.

* * *

TABOO

2002/15/77m  1 Stars

“Would you ever…?”

Director: Max Makowski / Writer: Gary Fisher / Cast: January Jones, Nick Stahl, Amber Benson, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Lori Heuring, Derek Hamilton.

Body Count: 6


Six egotistical Cruel Intentions-type college brats gather at a remote mansion on New Year’s Eve where they engage in a polite game of Taboo, which entails writing answers to some risque questions like Would you have sex with a minor? Would you have sex for money? blah blah blah…

At midnight, a package containing five cards arrives, labelled Prostitute, Homosexual, Infidel, Rapist and Hypocrite (ooh, that one’s gonna sting!) Lo and behold, bodies start stacking up, each found with the appropriate card.

However, all of this happens too early to fool us and it’s all revealed to be a gag at the expense of Jones, the only one not to get a card and has apparently been blackmailing the others. When they seemingly forgive her and move on, Hypocrite flips, takes a shotgun and begins offing the others. Told you it was gonna sting.

With the cheater-weapon in play, Taboo is a very boring stalk n’ shoot with next to no grue and it ends with an entirely dull poison murder-suicide pact thing. But at least they’re all dead.

Buffy alumni Amber Benson is endearing as the ever-wrecked Piper but she truly deserves better exposure than this crap, which fails to impress on any scale, becoming taboo itself for reasons of taste.

Blurb-of-shame: Derek Hamilton was Eddie in Ripper: Letter from Hell.

* * *

BLEED

1.5 Stars  2002/18/82m

“Join the club.”

Directors: Devin Hamilton & Dennis Peterson / Writer: Devin Hamilton / Cast: Debbie Rochon, Allen Nabors, Danny Wolske, Orly Tepper, Laura Nativo, Ronnie Gene Blevins, Julie Strain, Brinke Stevens.

Body Count: 9

Dire-logue: “You wanna see tits? Well here they are and fuck you!”


Another post-Screamie with all the budget of a shopping trip to Aldi that has lonely new girl in LA Maddy (Rochon) seduced by her boss and then inducted into his snobby circle of friends who fool her into thinking they’re all part of The Murder Club and have each offed a stranger to surf the adrenalin rush.

Poor naive Maddy takes it the wrong way and kills a woman she has a ruckus with. The others regroup and decide what they should do but by then the white-masked psycho who, until now, has been chopping up various extras starts doing away with them in their homes.

Is it Maddy? After all her mom (Brinke in a flashback) and dad chucked her out years earlier? No. It’s someone else.

The trouble with Bleed is that it’s an out and out retread filmed almost entirely in back yards and apartments with dialogue exchanges used to staple the plot holes together; for instance, Maddy goes on one date with her boss and is invited to a party the next day where a group of complete strangers decide to let her in on their “big secret!”

In spite of some production polish and the ever-lovely Rochon, Bleed sucks out more tolerance than claret.

Blurbs-of-shame: Rochon has also been in American Nightmare, Blood Relic, Final Examination and Head Cheerleader, Dead Cheerleader; Julie Strain was in Psycho Cop Returns.

* * *

SMALL TOWN FOLK

2007/15/87m  1 Stars

“Welcome to Grockleton.”

Director: Peter Stanley-Ward / Writers: Natalie Conway & Peter Stanley-Ward / Cast: Greg Martin, Chris R. Wright, Simon Stanley-Ward, Hannah Flint, Dan Palmer, Jon Nicholas, James Ford, Sophie Rundle, Tamaryn Payne, Warwick Davis.

Body Count: 16


Cheap shows for pre-schoolers often include effects work that looks like a crayon drawing has been scanned into a Mac and then actors are superimposed over the top of it. Fine. Baby Susie isn’t going to get angry with crap production values at her age. But in a horror film…? Just… No.

Had it not taken four years to create and been funded by the cast and crew, this would unquestionably be a native of half-star city.

Unexplained men near the town of Grockleton in the New Forest kidnap women to procreate ‘their kind’ and murder any men who get in the way. Enter a married couple “on an adventure” and some local teens fooling around in the woods and… and… and fuck it, I don’t know what was going on.

As it was originally intended to be a short, there just ain’t enough her to justify history’s longest 87 minutes. There are more than half a dozen killers running around cracking misfired jokes, tormenting Grockles (non-locals) and talking in a bizarre thespian sub-language.

I’d wager 95% of the budget went on securing the three-minute Warwick Davis cameo that bookends the story. Britain’s Got Talent – yeah? Where is it when you need it?

Blurb-of-shame: Dan Palmer was in the marginally more amusing Freak Out.

* * *

URBAN MASSACRE

1.5 Stars  2002/15/84m

“A real life horror.”

Director: Dale Resteghini / Writers: Dale Resteghini & Carl Washington / Cast: Demetrius Gibbs, Erin O’Donnell, Badia Stewart, Ross Filler, Leroy Jones, Rosario M. Gancitano, Wayne Mogel, G-Flex.

Body Count: 9


In the 80’s, mucho slasher filmage associated itself with hair metal and, in several examples, featured doomed rock bands pitted against a loon with a blade. So time (sadly) moves on and thus this millennial slasher centres around the fortunes of growing rap quintet The Supernatchrals, who find various members of their entourage are being knocked off by a maniac dressed as a clown – as they always seem to be in urban bodycount pics.

For a shot-on-video feature, Urban Massacre doesn’t look bad but, unless you’re well versed in rap and hip-hop (safe to say I’m not), much of the dialogue – largely consisting of ‘fuck you’, ‘fuck him’, ‘fuck that’ – will be lost on you.

While intermittent rap numbers and “statements” on the companion culture to downright racism are testing, at the end the feisty fivesome (three guys, two gals) literally have the killer pinned down, stop, look at the camera and tell the audience they will not unmask him as we will have to wait for ‘Part Two’.

FUCK THAT.

Given this 11th hour atrocity – especially when the pre-credits practically spelt out the identity and motive – all points gained immediately return to zero. It’s insulting and hypocritical, especially as the characters have spent eighty minutes whining about racial injustice and forcing their shit brand of “music” on us, yet they’ve seen fit to halt the film completely and cut back to another cruddy rap number.

For slasher-but-not-rap fans (me), the chubby white MC in the group occasionally spouts pointless horror movie trivia but everything else is about as memorable – and credible – as Vanilla Ice’s last album.

Decembwhore

Shing-shing-shing-shing-shing. That’s the sound of bells, not my piss-poor attempt to put the Psycho strings into readable format.

Yes, Christmas is nigh and what better gift to give or have a tantrum over wanting than a horror book set during the holidays? …Like this one I wrote earlier.

You see how well it fits in with the spirit of the season? Santa, snow, …death

I know, I know. But I need to feed my dog turkey-flavoured kibble, man.

Should you feel the need to purchase for yourself – or your mom, dad, brothers, sisters, cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents, former roomies, friends, enemies, frenemies a copy, you can get it here (UK), here (US), or here (the rest of the world).

Support your local slasher blogs. And their dog.

Happy Holidays to you all!

– Hud xx

Drive-In Masochism

DRIVE-IN MASSACRE

0.5 Stars  1976/18/71m

“You’ll pay to get in…and pray to get out!”

Director: Stuart Segall / Writers: Godfrey Daniels, Buck Flowers & John Goff / Cast: Jake Barnes, Adam Lawrence, Douglas Gudbye, Newton Naushaus, Norman Sherlock.

Body Count: 6


Pay to rent it, pray to forget it. Although, I must say the taglines shown on this particular artwork are pretty cool, spesh that WARNING: The red stuff on your hot dog may not be ketchup. Hell yeah! But here the good times endeth.

Pre-dating the main flux of slasher films by a few years, Drive-In Massacre only flirts with the accepted conventions, beginning well enough with a grisly double sword-murder at a Californian drive-in. Everything is then punctured and it deflates like a bouncy castle, smothering all the kids as it dies when we meet two boring cops (Barnes and Lawrence) who investigate the murders, focusing in one a guy who likes to spy on lovers and “beat his meat” – but then becomes one of the next victims.

There’s no final girl, no group of happy teenagers being bumped off one by one, only a handful of murders and a whole other story about some abused little girl running away from her nasty daddy that just begins to ‘happen’ towards the end.

There’s then the ‘twist’ – the killer just stops murdering people and we don’t find out who it was or why he/she was doing it. All of these elements make this THE worst slasher film I’ve ever seen. I loathe it to the very core of the fire of a thousand suns.

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