Monthly Archives: November 2013

“Gee, I wish I was dead!”

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FEAR ISLAND

3 Stars  2009/15/87m

“A secluded island… A group of friends… A killer out for revenge.”

Director: Michael Storey / Writers: Jack Harry & Jeff Martel / Cast: Aaron Ashmore, Haylie Duff, Lucy Hale, Kyle Schmid, Anne Marie DeLuise, Martin Cummins, Jacob Blair, Jessica Harmon, Jim Thorburn.

Body Count: 7

Laughter Lines: “I was looking for [the dog]!” / “With a fucking killer out there? What, were you thinking ‘Gee, I wish I was dead!’?”

“Will appeal to fans of Shutter Island,” the DVD box says. Really? Really?

If it never achieves anything else, Fear Island can, at the very least, claim that it taught me there Hilary Duff and Haylie Duff AREN’T  the same person.

The one that’s in this tame little whodunit is Haylie. She’s the last girl standing when cops arrest her in the forest on a private island. All her friends are dead. They think she did it. She says she can’t remember anything, even her name.

After a while, she remembers her name is Jenna and that she and four friends took a boat out to the lush vacation cabin owned by brothers Tyler and Kyle (or, more likely, their parents). The gang will all be going off to college (or possibly jobs, the actors were all way past their “I can play a convincing teen!” years) soon so this is their last hurrah. A young stowaway in the form of Megan (Hale) appears, claiming she just wants to hang with the popular kids. Curious, eh?

Small creepy things begin to happen; a toy monkey on a bike that is repeatedly found whizzing about, nails in the jam, and the catalyst that gets things moving – the missing dog. As people go looking for said dog (one of those Chihuahua-sized yappers, quite possibly an actual Chihuahua), the first body is found. Then somebody is locked in the hot tub with the temperature set at the maximum, another disappearance, rattlesnake in the cupboard…

Each event is iced off with random clues left by the perpetrator: Revenge, Evil, Guilty, Innocent, Naive, Atonement… Oh look, they spell out the name of a missing girl! Fear Island changes tack to become I Know What You Did on Your Poncey Private Island Last Summer when it’s revealed there are some dodgy secrets flying around and Jenna is soon on the run from the unveiled killer…

As the story is punctuated by ‘present’ moment interviews between Jenna, a cop, and a forensic psychologist, initially cop dude hounds her towards confessing, while doc lady keeps defending her – but they soon switch places as doc lady start to notice inconsistencies in the story.

There is a big twist and, in richer hands, it could’ve been a real blind-sider. As it is, it’s good enough, albeit obvious in the couple of minutes before the big reveal. But until that point I didn’t have it figured, so Fear Island is at the very least operating at a decently mysterious level.

Elsewhere, we must ask ourselves WHY the people involved in the traumatic past event would EVER return to the island where it occurred if they were trying so hard to keep it a secret – and to party, no less!? Talk about dancing on somebody’s grave!

Ultimately a passable, gore-free, sort of entry-level slasher film that plays out like a Diet Harper’s Island, with shades of April Fool’s Day and Pretty Little Liars (which ironically stars Lucy Hale). Decent for a one night stand.

Blurbs-of-interest: Martin Cummins was Wayne in Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan; Lucy Hale was in the Stab 7 part of Scream 4; Jessica Harmon was in Hollow Man II.

Sequel Showdown: 6s, Sixes, and VIs

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The further you venture into the cave, the darker it gets… Or, the less franchises there are that reach that sacred sixth installment. In fact, there are but five slasher films (that I know of) that have reached this pinnacle, so this time we’ll take ’em one by one…

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)

Often held as the last true hurrah for the hockey masked one, writer/director Tom McLoughlin weaved a witty thread of comedy through Jason’s resurrection adventure, pleasantly elevating Jason Lives over and above the previous few entries.

Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)

“They saved the best for last.” No. No, they did not. The sixth and ‘final’ outing for Mssr. Krueger was chucked out with a 3D finale, and cameos from Alice Cooper, Roseanne, and Tom Arnold, but everything else is as forgettable as can be, from the dismal body count of THREE to Freddy’s quips, which by this point were more dated than disco.

One bizarre anecdote was that the films staggered US-UK releases were punctuated by the death of Freddy Mercury in November 1991, so TV adverts proclaiming “Freddy’s Dead!” were a tad lacking in the tact department.

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

Largely unloved by fans of Mikey M., I actually wrung a fair amount of enjoyment from this one, which was the last of the original films to maintain a really ‘Halloweeny’ atmosphere – plus it was the possibly the first sequel I saw of the lot.

Children of the Corn 666: Isaac’s Return (1999)

John Franklin returned to his creepy role from the original film fifteen years previously, which would surely mean the corn sprogs would want him dead as he’s well into adulthood? Who knows with this series. Nancy Allen was in it, I’ve only seen it the once, but it was definitely better than the horrific TV movie/remake and the recent Genesis episode.

Curse of Chucky (2013)

Don Mancini has, for the time being, successfully resisted the remake-demons getting their paws on his property and, instead, a quasi-reboot was thrown together in the shape of this made for DVD flick, which opted for a back to basics approach with Chucky seen neither moving nor speaking for a good half of the running time. It seems to have done the trick.

The Finalists

Essentially, all five films are finalists, but it’s easy to eliminate Freddy’s Dead and Children of the Corn off the bat: Neither managed to ding the bell of decency.

Next out would be Chucky; it was a good film but the cut-price one-place/one-night setting made it drag just a little.

So, surprise, surprise, it’s between two genre icons who have already bagged prizes in Rounds 2 and 4 respectively, but for being both witty and maintaining a ‘classics’ summer camp feel, it’s gotta be the J-man:

The Winner

Next time, all the sevens!

Trite horror, shite horror

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HEAD CHEERLEADER, DEAD CHEERLEADER

1.5 Stars  2000/18/78m

“Two-four-six-eight who do we decapitate?”

Director/Writer: Jeff Miller / Cast: Tasha Biering, Daniel Justin Roach, Andre Walker, Bob Carter, Debbie Rochon, Bobby Cerutti, Bill Roberson, Noelle Manuel, Amy R. Swaim, Beth Hunt, Amber Coker.

Body Count: 9

Laughter Lines: “A little gratuitous violence never killed anyone.”

The awesome title and tagline combined with the appearance of Debbie Rochon makes me want to love this film. Really, it does. But I tried to love the later seasons of Lost and look what happened there.

Instead, what we have here is a crappy regional production with a killer axing bimbo cheerleaders in Briar Creek, South Carolina, on Halloween: the night before a big game. Chief pom-pom waver Heather is worried about her cat, while all her friends fall victim to a loon who can manage to chop boobs off girls who are wearing tight tops.

Most of the “action” is centered around Heather’s house, where a dozen random people come knocking at the door, or call her, including a sleazy prankster in a flatlining send-up of Scream, the film everybody was still trying to copy at this point in time. Could the killer be the football team’s pervy coach? One of Heather’s THREE ex-boyfriends? Or maybe its that weird religious girl who’s angry that she didn’t make the squad?

When revealed, the outcome plays like a parody of the end of fucking Scary Movie rather than Scream, or – heaven forbid – thinking up an original twist of its own. THEN a couple more twists are heaped on top in an effort to paper over the gaping plot-craters. It’s misogynistic, anti-gay, and trashier than a Honey Boo Boo marathon at a trailer park.

The only reason this gets that extra half-star is for the possibly authentic answerphone message that plays over the opening credits, from a concerned mother who thinks the production of the film will place real life cheerleaders – including her own daughter – in danger! No, honey, real psychos operate with a lot more class.

Blurbs-of-interest: Cheap horror-fixture Rochon is also in American Nightmare, Bleed, Blood Relic, Final Examination and Varsity Blood.

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